Lisa Robin Kelly is apparently on enough drugs to think people will believe that she’s clean and sober.
This story just keeps gettin’ better (unlike Christina Aguilera’s career… because she released a song called Keeps Gettin’ Better, remember? Yeah, you guys know what’s up.).
So TMZ spoke to her after she got herself arrested for spousal abuse, although they didn’t mention whether she was out of jail or not. Looking at her photo I’d hazard a guess that she doesn’t have $50,000 for bail… because she clearly spent it all on crack rocks, so although I don’t have any facts to back it up, I’m personally assuming that when TMZ said ‘we spoke to her’ what they meant to write was ‘we visited that psycho in jail’.
Another little piece of the puzzle falls into place when you read what she has to say about the incident, because she clearly, clearly hasn’t seen her latest mugshot, otherwise she probably would’ve been like ‘fuck it. I was high as a kite… help me, or something.’ Enough chit chat, this is her version of events, from TMZ:
She was wrongfully arrested for allegedly attacking the guy at their L.A. home this weekend … because she never laid a hand on the guy.
Lisa says she’s been having issues with the guy for a while … and tried to leave the pad for good on Friday, but he became angry and “roughed me up.”
Lisa says she called police … but the guy took off before they arrived … and she decided it wasn’t worth her time to press charges.
A short time later, the roommate showed up at the police station claiming Lisa had attacked him … something Lisa insists NEVER happened.
“He must have scratched himself or done something to himself,” Lisa says.
She adds, “I am clean and sober and I have made a lot of progress. I am completely innocent. I weigh 105 pounds. I could never hurt him. I just want to start working again.”
You see what I mean, right? “I just want to start working again!” all innocent-like. She’s trying to use her arrest as a way to jumpstart her dead career, but if she’d seen that mugshot, and if she was clean and sober, she’d probably be like ‘well, that’s clearly not going to work, because I look like a strung out maniac.’
Also, you’ll note that she was arrested for spousal abuse… on a spouse, but this article refers to him as ‘the guy’ and ‘the roommate’, implying that they’re not married. In my mind, what I’m reading into that is that both parties were too fucked up to be able to clarify the relationship between them at the time, and now that Lisa’s sobered up (in prison) she’s a bit like ‘wait, what? We’re not married, he’s my roommate.’ I’m sorry, but if you’re a clean and sober actress in your forties, what are you doing with a roommate who’s ‘roughing you up’? That’s right, you’re not, because none of these tidbits are truthful.
I seriously love every little detail in her fucked up little lie. From the ‘nu-uh, I didn’t beat him, he beat me!’ to saying that even though he beat her, it wasn’t worth her time to press charges (because that’s time that could be spent sourcing/purchasing and doing more drugs). But my favourite, my absolute favourite part, is that she tries to claim that the dude ‘Marky Mark from Fear’-ed himself.
Annnnnnd, that’s about it. To recap:
- Lisa Robin Kelly is a lying crackhead, and we love her for it.
- It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is the best show.
- Fear is a fantastic film, and
- Marky Mark is a babe (even if he thinks he can save the world from terrorism.).