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Justin Bieber shows Katy Perry the benefits of playback, and other stuff about the Billboard Awards.

 

So the Billboard Awards were on the other day, and this is the recap. Let’s start at the beginning, on the red carpet.

Far East Movement.

There’s so much going on in this photo that I feel like I might go blind just to deal with it. You know how you can go to dollar stores like The Reject Shop or Cheap as Chips and find generic knock offs of things that are popular? One time my friend Nik and I were at the markets and found an action figure called ‘Spaderman.’ I’m not kidding, we laughed about it for approximately two hours after. Anyway, anecdote aside, that’s what these guys are to LMFAO. The Spaderman.

 

Jordin Sparks.

Cute dress. Shit shoes.

 

Kerli.

I’ve never heard of this basic bitch, but we’ve got enough wacky dressing pop stars in the biz at the moment.

 

Dee and Tommy Hilfiger.

 

The Wanted.

Considering I saw NKOTBSB last night, these guys will never rate with me. You actually have no idea how many amazing, mind-blowing boy band moves I saw last night. I’d say that it was like being in a time capsule, but then you’d see their faces and be like ‘Maybe not. They’re definitely in their 40′s’. Point is, I’ve never seen so many fully grown, straight men wearing sparkles and diamantes in my life. Have you seen Saw 2? You know Donnie Wahlberg, the cop (and Mark Wahlberg’s older brother?)? Picture him in Saw 2, now picture him ripping his wifebeater off while wearing a sparkly fedora. It was actually the most fantastic, hilarious night of my life. My point is, if you’re in a boy band you should be dressed accordingly.

 

Taio Cruz.

 

Nelly Furtado.

There should be a rule like ‘if you haven’t released an album in 5 fucking years you can’t come to any awards shows anymore because you’re officially irrelevant.’

 

Miley Cyrus.

Reminds me of this:

It’s like she borrowed the tux, managed to get the jacket on the right way round, but got confused and forgot the pants.

 

Carrie Underwood.

This has got to be as close to a real life Disney Princess dress that you can get, right? It looks like she’s wearing a cloud. I don’t know whether I mean that in a good way or not.

 

Brandy

 

LMFAO.

Hahahaha. I just love them, you guys.

 

Jurnee Smollett.

 

Taylor Swift.

I’m not a huge fan of her hair, but I love love love the dress.

 

Katy Perry.

Post-divorce Katy is an interesting creature, isn’t she? Does she think she’s a goth now? Is this her ‘dark’ period? I don’t know what’s going on with her.

 

Usher.

I kind of love everything about this. Usher’s fierce.

 

Kris Kristofferson

The pose is making me laugh. It’s heaps better than Jolie’s leg at the Oscars.

 

Justin Bieber.

Oh, my other favourite thing that boy bands do is pretend like they’re bad boys by wearing ‘urban’ ‘street’ clothes. JB does it well. Good on him, he knows what the ladies like.

 

Alicia Keys.

 

Amber Rose.

Well, let’s just say it. That dress is too small to hold your titties in, Amber… I bet she can barely breathe.

 

Julie Brown.

I don’t even…

 

Julianne Hough.

 

Robin Thicke.

I’m always surprised when I see him around the place (and when I say that, what I mean is ‘here and that time he was on The Voice). Is he still famous and no one told me? What’s going on? The last (and only) song of his that I know is the ‘baby guuuurl, you da shit, that makes you mah equivalent’ song that’s set to that disco version of Beethoven that’s on the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack. If that doesn’t make sense to you, here’s the video:

 

See what I mean?

 

Chrissy Teigen and John Legend.

I’m mad at John Legend right now because of this:

 

You know what’s interesting? When basic bitches like John Legend hate on superstars because they’re upset that Britney rejected the songs he produced for her.

 

Zooey Deschanel.

This sucks.

 

Gladys Knight.

 

Wiz Khalifa.

 

Swizz Beatz.

 

Monica.

 

Lisa Marie Presley.

Looks like there might be a nice dress under the jacket. What a shame.

 

 

Moving on to the performances. Linkin Park performed Burn It Down, the lead single from their upcoming album:

 

The Wanted performed a medley of Chasing the Sun and Glad You Came, and I’ve finally realised I know the song Glad You Came.

 

They’re no One Direction.

 

Goodie Mob ft Cee Lo Green performed Fight to Win, and for some reason it’s the only one I can’t embed, so you can click here to watch it.

 

Apparently Nelly Furtado performed, which probably means I should change that part up there about her being irrelevant, but *sigh* it’s alllll the way up there, so I’m just going to leave it.

 

After watching the performance, I’m definitely going to leave it the way it is. This performance is a hot mess. I’m actually sitting here wondering where to begin. The ridiculous LMFAO glasses? The fact that she’s decided to try her hand at Nicki Minaj’s career? The fact that it’s a really shit song? I don’t even know, but she should probably call Timbaland up and ask him to help her out if she wants to make an actual comeback.

 

John Legend and Jordin Sparks performed a tribute to Whitney Houston:

 

Carrie Underwood performed Blown Away:

 

I don’t think I’ve ever seen her perform before, but she’s actually got a really good voice. Good on her.

 

Kelly Clarkson performed Dark Side:

 

I’m not the hugest fan of the song but the performance is pretty.

 

Carly Rae Jepsen performed Call Me Maybe:

 

My first thoughts were ‘oh, this is cute,’ and ‘she looks like a brunette Taylor Swift.’ But as the performance went on, I started wondering when it became acceptable to wear sneakers onstage and not do choreography. If you’re dancing, fine, wear whatever footwear makes you dance so I don’t look at your feet. But if you’re just bopping around on the stage, I’ve got time to take in your outfit, and if that’s the case, your whole ensemble should be the fiercest shit I’ve ever seen. It’s okay, though, because there’s plenty of choreo coming up.

 

Usher performed Scream and did a pretty fantastic job:

 

Chris Brown performed Turn Up the Music:

 

My hatred for him aside, I think Breezy’s a really good dancer, but I think Usher does a far better job of balancing singing to playback with dancing.

 

LMFAO were probably my favourite performance of the night, performing a medley of Party Rock Anthem, Sorry for Party Rocking and Sexy and I Know It, if only because when they brought out the people in the Zebra suit I lost my shit for a good minute:

 

Katy Perry performed Wide Awake, and showed everyone the benefits of playback, because let’s be real, she sounds like she’s terrified of heights, and her voice basically breaks through the whole thing. It’s a shame, because it’s a pretty show that’s ruined by the fact that I can’t even understand what she’s saying half the time.

 

And finally, Justin Bieber performed my favourite song of the moment, Boyfriend.

This, to me, is a pretty perfect pop performance. Playback when it’s needed, live when it’s needed, a dance break, plenty of crowd interaction and heaps of choreography. Katy Perry should take notes and stop playing the ‘it doesn’t matter if I sound bad, at least I’m singing live’ card, because it sucks.

 

 

And finally, here’s the list of winners from the night:

SOCIAL ARTIST

Justin Bieber

SPOTLIGHT AWARD

Katy Perry

TOP NEW ARTIST

Wiz Khalifa

WOMAN OF THE YEAR

Taylor Swift

HOT 100 SONG OF THE YEAR

“Party Rock Anthem” (LMFAO)

TOP DUO/GROUP

LMFAO

TOP MALE ARTIST

Lil Wayne

R&B ARTIST OF THE YEAR

Chris Brown

MILLENNIUM AWARD

Whitney Houston (accepted by Bobbi Kristina Brown)

BATTLE OF THE BANDS

Patent Pending

TOP ROCK SONG

“Pumped Up Kicks” (Foster the People)

TOP ROCK ARTIST

Coldplay

TOP TOURING ACT

U2

TOP DANCE ARTIST

Lady Gaga

BILLBOARD ICON AWARD

Stevie Wonder

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