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Adam Levine has joined Leonardo DiCaprio’s prestigious club.


You see that smoulder? That’s the look that says ‘watch out, Victoria’s Secret models, because I’m going to fuck the shit out of you, one after the other.’

Adam Levine is basically the new Leonardo DiCaprio, and I’m not just saying that because I’ve recently developed a crush on him as well as my undying, eternal love for Leo. After being dumped by his Victoria’s Secret model girlfriend Anne V via press release, and then having to explain to the world that he wasn’t looking to purchase one of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s pre-picked engagement rings, Adam Levine is dating again. Who’s he dating, you ask? It’s another Victoria’s Secret model, obviously. Her name is Behati Prinsloo, and here’s some pictures of them together while on vacation in Hawaii:


And since you can’t reaaaally tell what she looks like, here she is on the VS catwalk:

Adam’s done well, she’s prettier than Anne V, in my opinion.

Point is, he’s just become a serial Victoria’s Secret model dater, which is kind of Leo’s thing. And when I say ‘kind of’ what I mean is ‘he hasn’t dated anyone who wasn’t a model in years with the exception of Blake Lively, who I figure was a She’s All That early scenes kind of deal.’ Don’t worry, though, there’s plenty of VS models to go round, so maybe between the two of them they can get through them all by Christmas? If not, they can always recruit Zac Efron to help them out. The following is how I imagine their conversation went:

Adam: ‘Leo, man! It’s good to see you, I haven’t seen you since our last meeting of VS model fuckers anon! What’s been going on?’

Leo: ‘Shit, dude, people were on my back about always fucking models, right? So I thought I’d try to prove to myself that I don’t have to date models. I tried going with that gossip chick, Blake or whatever. It just wasn’t the same, man. I couldn’t handle it. I got out and I’ve run through like 10 or so lingerie models since then to cleanse that shit out of my system.’


Zac: ‘Wait, what? So you’re telling me that you guys only fuck lingerie models?’

Leo: ‘Yes. Absolutely. You know I was in Titanic, right? All those bitches were like 11 when that shit came out, so now I don’t have to do anything and they just come to me. It’s awesome.’

Adam: ‘I’m not going to lie to you, man. Once you fuck a VS model… it’s like crack. Trust me, go for it, it’ll make that Disney bitch you were runnin’ with for so long seem like… well, you know in American Horror Story how there’s that old bitch who looks like a hot slut to dudes? It’ll make her seem like the old bitch in comparison. Also, I’m going to be on season two of that shit.’


Leo: ‘Adam, tell him what the experience is like for the first time.’

Zac: ‘Wow, yeah… please do.’

Adam: ‘It’s like they’ve got magic vaginas, man. I was sure my head was going to explode from the sheer pleasure of it all.’


Leo: ‘Seriously, though, Zac. This is definitely something you should consider. I see a lot of myself in you, and what I’m seeing is untapped potential for you to be fucking hotties like you wouldn’t believe. They don’t even need to speak the same language as you, that’s the beauty of being famous.’


Zac: ‘Wow. You’ve really opened my eyes, Leo. I’m definitely going to fuck some models ASAP.’

Leo: ‘Good man. Now be quiet and watch the game.’

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