Russell Brand probably pissed off a shitload of Katycats, and the rest of the MTV Movie Awards.
Before we start, go make yourself a coffee or a snack or something, because you know how these recap posts tend to go on. I’ll wait. Maybe take a quick toilet break, too. I’m just looking out for you, my lovely readers.
Okay, you’re all settled and comfy? Excellent. Let’s get started. Russell Brand hosted the 2012 MTV Movie Awards, and gave an opening speech that ripped into Hollywood with lines like:
And if after recent events you think it’s hypocritical of me to joke about [Justin Bieber] beating up a paparazzi, wait til you hear what I’ve got to say about short-lived celebrity marriages!
Kim took a lot of pressure off me with her world record quick marriage. Cheers, Kim.
I think of Kim Kardashian as the Stanley Kubrick of sex tapes; they’re always brilliant but she only does one a decade.
[On Kim making a new sex tape with Kanye] Don’t drink before the sex tape, Kanye! Learn the lessons of the VMAs; when you’re drunk you do have the propensity to pounce on unsuspecting girls, from the rear, with a bottle in your hand. Very good in an MTV show but could really ruin a sex tape.
Continuing my hypocritical attack of people for doing things that I’ve done much worse, Michael Fassbender, star of Shame… should be condemned for profiting from sex addiction. I did literally go to school with Michael Fassbender and I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t notice his huge, engorged talent, as I was too busy staring at his massive cock. I deliberately removed all erotic content from this monologue ‘coz he’s only there in the second row, look, and if I get him too aroused, I could lose an eye.
Do stay tuned for the new season of Teen Mom after the show, where pregnant women are laughed at. For money.
I know some of you are thinking this. The last time I did an MTV show I did end up marrying someone that was there. So tonight, I’m gonna keep my eyes peeled for my next wife.
I can’t embed the video, but you can click here to see the whole monologue. Oh, and if you’re a perv, you can click here to see Michael Fassbender’s massive cock. No judgement.
Going back to the very beginning, though, here are the red carpet photos:
The Black Keys.
Wiz Khalifa and Amber Rose.
LMFAO and I don’t know who that other guy is.
Eva Amurri Martino.
Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Nikki Reed and Paul McDonald.
Kirby Bliss Blanton.
Booboo Stewart and Fivel Stewart.
Wiz Khalifa performed Work Hard Play Hard and you can click here for a decent video or watch the crap quality one below:
Christian Bale choked back tears while remembering Heath Ledger, which you can watch over here. He, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Gary Oldham were there to promote The Dark Knight Rises, and they showed new footage of the film, which you can see over here. Sorry there’s not more I can embed for this post, I know it’s a bummer.
An audience member heckled Mila Kunis while she was presenting with Mark Wahlberg, and although you can’t hear what they said, you can see her get distracted and get her sass on a little before a displeased Mark Wahlberg says ‘And here I thought I was gonna have to slap Russell.’ Click here for the video.
And finally, here’s the list of all the winners of MTV Movie Awards for 2012:
BEST ONSCREEN DIRTBAG
Jennifer Aniston, Horrible Bosses
BEST BREAKTHROUGH PERFORMANCE
Shailene Woodley, The Descendants
BEST MALE PERFORMANCE
Josh Hutcherson, The Hunger Games
BEST FEMALE PERFORMANCE
Jennifer Lawrence, The Hunger Games
INSTANT CULT CLASSIC
LMFAO – “Party Rock Anthem,” 21 Jump Street
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, Breaking Dawn Pt. 1
MTV GENERATION AWARD
Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson vs. Alexander Ludwig, The Hunger Games
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Pt. 2- Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Tom Felton
Harry Potter, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Pt. 2
BEST ONSCREEN TRANSFORMATION
Elizabeth Banks, The Hunger Games
MTV TRAILBLAZER AWARD
MOVIE OF THE YEAR
Breaking Dawn, Pt. 1