PCP’s Favourite – Failed celebrity marriages, part two.
Hot on the heels of the news that TomKat is no more, comes part two of PCP’s favourite failed celebrity marriages. Last week we looked at the fastest marriages, and today we’re going to look at the strangest failed celebrity marriages. Without further ado, here they are.
05 Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie.
Coming in at number five are former poster couple for weird, Billy Bob and Angelina. During their three year marriage (after dating for two months), these two made headlines all the time for their public displays of affection and passion for one another. Most notoriously, they used to wear lockets with each others blood around their necks. After the divorce, Billy Bob said this:
We didn’t give them back to each other. Mine is probably upstairs in a drawer somewhere. It was never a vial of blood. We poked our fingers and put a little spot of blood inside a little clear locket. That was another thing that was blown out of proportion.
Because it was the amount of blood that people found totally strange, not the fact that they did it at all, apparently.
04 Nicolas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley.
Okay, if we’re talking about Lisa Marie Presley and strange marriages, then we probably should be talking about her marriage to Michael Jackson. But since they remained friends after their divorce, there’s less to talk about with those two. Her and Nic Cage, though. Well, let’s get into it. Firstly, their marriage only lasted 108 days. At the wedding Lisa Marie said to her mother Priscilla that she wouldn’t have three failed marriages (Oops! Sorry, mother.).
Better than that, though, is the suggestion that Nicolas married her because he’s an Elvis fanatic, and marrying Elvis’ daughter would be like having the greatest piece of memorabilia ever, as well as access to all the other stuff that normal Elvis fans don’t get to see. Allegedly he’s the only person outside direct family who has been inside Elvis’ bedroom.
Okay, so maybe he didn’t marry her just because she was Elvis’ daughter, but I’m sure it played a part in the relationship, from his side, at least. I mean, otherwise it’s too big of a coincidence. Like, ‘oh, I just happened to meet the daughter of a man I’m obsessed with and fall in love with her in a manner that is completely disconnected from my feelings about her father’? Mmm, nah. I’m not buying it. I don’t doubt that he had feelings for her, but I think that if I was in Nic Cage’s position, it’d be hard to see past the connection to my favourite celebrity, and it would skew my judgement.
03 Macaulay Culkin and Rachel Miner.
These two are my favourite on this list. Ah, young love. Quite young, in this case. Getting emancipated from their parents and marrying at 17, they tied the knot in 1998, separated in 2000, and finalised their divorce in 2002, at which point Mac started dating Mila Kunis (who he was with until 2010).
You can hear what Macaulay had to say about his marriage to Rachel in 2004, around the 2:00 mark.
02 Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee.
Pam and Tommy. Well, where can I even start? Maybe with the fact that I’m not convinced these two aren’t together right now. They’re not currently married, though, so that qualifies them for the list, because even if they’re back together again, their marriage was still a failure.
Okay, so they met 96 hours before their February 19, 1995 beach wedding. She wore a white bikini because this bitch is all class. They filmed themselves having sex on their honeymoon, which of course became the infamous Pam and Tommy sex tape.
She filed for divorce from him twice, reconciled with him twice, and then they finally got divorced for real, oh, except that they still had sex all the time.
Then there was the time when he gave her Hepatitis C, oh, and that time when he beat her up and served four months in prison for kicking Pamela while she was breastfeeding their son Dylan. That didn’t stop her from reuniting with him upon his release, though, from 1999-2001, and again from 2008-2009, which is why at any given moment I think they could be somewhere, getting back together for round 328, 496.
Basically, these two make the list for all this rockstar shit. But their relationship still pales in comparison to…
01 Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller.
Turbulent doesn’t begin to describe this marriage. Between the substance abuse and the fact that Charlie Sheen is a headcase, well, let’s just get into it. Also, in hindsight, I probably should’ve put these two on the ‘Awkward and Ugly’ failed celebrity marriages list, buuuuut what are you gonna do?
So, they met (they were introduced by Rebecca Gayheart, and since she’s a murderer, I’d consider that a bad omen.), dated, married. Everything seemed peachy keen, with Brooke stating that she thought Charlie’s ex-wife Denise Richards was lying when she said that he threatened to kill her.
As a side note to this entry, Brooke Mueller is not only an addict, but she’s a profoundly stupid woman. Loveable, but incredibly stupid. Like, I’m surprised she doesn’t fall down more often. She’s friends with Paris, and was on Paris’ show ‘The World According to Paris’ often. One time she genuinely asked Paris if it was weird that her NA sponsor slept on the floor in her bedroom, next to her bed. Paris may not be the smartest girl around (I assure you, she’s not), but even she was like ‘um, what?’
Sidetracked. Okay, so after Brooke was all ‘it’s so hysterical to me that Charlie has this reputation because he’s so amazing!’ and thinking that Denise Richards was this horrible person (she kind of is, but that’s another story) who went around just telling lies for fun, Charlie threatened to kill Brooke, too.
Christmas day, 2009. Charlie goes to Aspen to hang with her and the twins, even though they’ve been having troubles (as addicts are wont to do), and immediately start fighting. She’s drunk, her blood alcohol level at .13, he’s at .04. He straddles her on the bed, choking her with one hand, while holding a knife to her throat with the other, telling her:
You’d better be in fear. If you tell anybody, I’ll kill you. Your mother’s money means nothing, I have ex-police I can hire who know how to get the job done and they won’t leave any trace.
Nice guy, right? She called the cops and he was arrested.
Now, if that was me, I’d never go anywhere near Charlie ever again. Brooke, on the other hand…
Sheen filed for divorce in November 2010, but then in early 2011 Charlie was like ‘hey, come on vacay with me and my goddesses to the Bahamas and move into my LA mansion!’, and because Brooke is a very, very stupid woman, she was like ‘that sounds like a great idea, okay.’
… Well okay, actually in the court documents it says that she didn’t want to go but was scared that if she didn’t go he’d be enraged, which is probably a fair enough assumption, but isn’t that all the more reason not to go on vacation with someone? I mean, really.
So! They all go to the Bahamas together: Charlie, Brooke, their twin boys, and Charlie Sheen’s porn star goddesses. One big, happy family. That is, until he flew into a rage and told everyone out of the blue that he hated Denise Richards ‘violently’ and was going to have her hair shaved off. Okay. And yet, Brooke doesn’t think ‘maybe I’ll hightail it out of here,’ even though by this stage she knows that he’s not sober on any level, as she’s seen him doing drugs and drinking with the goddesses.
After that, Charlie followed Brooke around with a flashlight, shining it in her eyes so she couldn’t see, and yelling about how he was untouchable, and ‘more famous than Obama,’ before he punched her in the arm, spit on her feet and told her that he was going to stick a pen knife in her eye.
Finally she decided that maybe the family holiday was a bad idea and flew back to LA.
Sheen called her and told her that he should’ve killed her when he had the chance, asked for his $20,000 child support back because he needed
‘untraceable cash to to knock off a few people because the people I hate violently are going to get severely punished.’
And then threatened to behead her and send the head to her mother, adding ‘if you’re recording this conversation then consider it done.’
I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried. She got a restraining order, stating that she feared that Charlie was ‘currently insane.’
Noooooo shit.
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