Katie and Tom – I read the tabloids so you don’t have to.
As you’re probably aware, I’ve been following the Katie/Tom divorce quite closely, waiting (and hoping) for the scientology bombshells to explode. Unfortunately, nothing that significant has been revealed (so far… but I’ve still got my fingers crossed) so instead, we can just have a look at what the tabloids are saying this week. I’ve just saved you about $15, you’re welcome.
Around the world, Life & Style magazine has fabricated an amazing story about Suri’s emotional breakdown over the divorce. Apparently she threw a massive tantrum in New York the other day because Holmes’ let her design partner Jeanne Yang pay the bill for their lunch. Let’s all take a moment to remember that Suri’s like, six years old and probably doesn’t know or care about who’s paying for her meals. What even.
I’m sure if Suri’s disappointed by anything it’s the fact that Katie decided to enforce the ‘On Wednesdays we wear pink’ Mean Girls rule:
Meanwhile, Life & Style also published a story about how Suri’s been ABANDONED BY HER DAD. Except, oh right, here they are a few days ago:
Tom’s been staying at the Greenwich Hotel, where he has 3 suites for his posse.
Tom’s lawyer wrote a harshly worded email to Life & Style, saying:
As anyone knows who saw their photos together yesterday and today, is a disgusting, vicious lie. Until this week, Tom was shooting a film on location, but he spoke to Suri every day.
He’s with Suri right now; and he was with her the day before Life & Style trumpeted their cruelly false accusation. Tom dearly loves Suri and the last thing he would ever do is abandoned [sic] her.
If anyone’s wondering what Katie was up to while Suri was hangin’ with her dad, she went to a spin class, and apparently that’s news:
Katie’s expression is about how interested I am in that non-event.
Star magazine, meanwhile, decided to spin a little story about Katie getting back together for a secret fling with ex-fiancee Chris Klein.
Chris slipped into Katie’s Chelsea apartment using a back service entrance so he wouldn’t be spotted,” explains a so-called “source,” adding, “It was a sexy, supersecret rendezvous.”
Now Holmes is “acting like a giddy, lovestruck schoolgirl”.
The “source” says, “The fling is exactly what the doctor ordered — and reconnecting with Chris is keeping Katie’s mind of of the painful memories of her joyless marriage to Tom. She is so thankful to have some lust and passion back in her life.
Pics or it didn’t happen. I’m sure if Chris Klein was anywhere near Katie Holmes or even within a five mile radius of her apartment there would be pictures to fan the flames of this tabloid tale. The fact that there’s literally nothing to back this story up makes me think that it’s just that; a story.
Okay, so let’s run through the tabloids I bought.
New Idea’s headline screams ‘KATIE: I FEAR FOR MY LIFE. SCIENTOLOGY MURDER SCANDAL. Bizarre secrets and cover-ups exposed.’
Basically the article takes the rumour that Katie was being followed by scientologists and uses that as the basis for an article about all the fucked shit scientologists get up to behind closed doors. There’s a list of ex-scientologists who’ve gone missing and a whole bunch of conspiracy theories based around the cult.
More than anything, it talks about David Miscavige, who’s the leader of the cult and Tom’s bestie, and about how Tom and David’s ‘unhealthy and unnatural relationship’ is what’s ruined all of Tom’s marriages.
There’s also a two page article about how Keith Urban is going to protect Nicole from the pain of losing Isabella and Connor to Tom and scientology. Like that’s news, or something anyone cares about. Whatever.
Famous basically has the exact same article about David Miscavige, except that they’ve got this quote that makes him sound like a clingy loser that cracked me up:
He loved to mingle with the celebrities, but Tom… was his obsession. Around 2004… [David] was making it an obsession to become Tom’s best friend… going over to Tom’s hoise on movie night to watch movies, going to his premieres, going to parties.
It also has this picture, which I will never stop laughing at because they’re just so serious that it’s ridiculous.
Anyway, Famous also spins a story about how Katie is working with Chace Crawford, so obviously they’re going to start sleeping together, and how Katie’s totally excited to film their sex scene now that she’s allowed to show her titties in films again (which, by the way, I called like 3 weeks ago, but whatever.).
There’s also a side story about how single Katie is showing how much she loves her freedom through her newly ‘relaxed’ wardrobe. Apparently Famous doesn’t understand how seasons work, because it’s literally comparing photos of them together, in colder months, to photos of her now, in summer, and saying that it’s because of the divorce that she feels free to embrace ‘a young, free look.’ I can’t even, that’s so dumb. Not as dumb as the next page, though.
The following page is set up like a Safari browser (which in itself is dumb because what person in their right mind uses Safari as their default browser? Ew.) at the website http://www.findmeawife.com, where apparently Tom Cruise is auditioning new potential wives. This is the list of potentials:
- Mila Kunis
- Amanda Seyfried
- Kate Bosworth
- Emma Stone
- Olga Kurylenko
- Teresa Palmer
- Ashley Greene
- Jennifer Lawrence
Okay. Let’s just address the fact that Mila Kunis, although she’s probably banging Ashton Kutcher right now, is far too cool and smart to date Tom Cruise. Same goes for Emma Stone and Amanda Seyfried. I could maaaaaybe see Teresa Palmer or Jennifer Lawrence having a go, you know, for the publicity, but basically this list is ridiculous and all these girls are too young for 50 year old Tom.
Meanwhile, NW’s article is all about how furious Tom is, and about how he’s planning to spend every last cent of his $250 million fortune getting Suri back on his side. It’s got a whole bunch of boring, predictable quotes from ‘insider sources’, which if they’re anything like NW’s articles, are probably just other gossip magazines and blogs, because they have the level of credibility the White Star Line had in late-April 1912 (unnecessary Titanic references FTW.). NW runs through all the other rumours that have surfaced over the past few weeks, calling them ‘bombshells’. The whole thing is totally basic.
Woman’s Day combines all the rumours into an article that reads like this:
- Tom let Katie win primary custody because she threatened a tell-all.
- Tom will spoil Suri to win her over from Katie as she gets older.
- This is how Tom won Isabella and Connor and got them to turn on Nicole and become scientologists.
- The stress of the divorce has shown on Katie, ie she’s allegedly lost weight and one time a few months ago she got a cold sore.
- Suri’s had play dates with some boy from gymnastics.
- Suri eating ice cream is news, because it is her ‘taste of freedom.’
Whatever. All these magazines are basic and you should check back here instead of wasting your money. XOXO