Shia LaBeouf commissions nazi-sympathiser Lars von Trier to film his celebrity sex tape. Kind of.
Shia’s doing a new film with Lars von Trier. Okay, first up, can we all just take a moment to remember that time when Lars called himself a nazi at Cannes while promoting Melancholia and poor Kirsten Dunst just sat there like ‘I’d really like to not be here right now, hey.’ Here’s the clip:
Now that’s out of the way, let’s talk about this new film Shia and Lars are working on.
It’s called The Nymphomaniac, and Shia says ‘it is what you think it is.’ So my guess is that it’s basically porn with some wanky, artsy storyline that’s going to give all the artsy prudes a valid reason to watch porn at the cinema and have a wank with a room full of strangers. Maybe play a little game called ‘put your mouth on something new.’ You know, in the vein of The Brown Bunny, 9 Songs, that doco Daryl Hannah did about strippers that time, etc.
There’s a disclaimer at the top of the script that basically says, we’re doing [the sex] for real. And everything that is ‘illegal’ we’ll shoot in blurred images. But other than that, everything is happening.
He also made a point of saying that he’s prepared to do whatever is asked of him during the filming, which I’m choosing to interpret as ‘Shia LaBeouf needs to get laid and doesn’t want to use his Transformers money to pay for hookers.’
It’s going to be released in two parts (apparently it’ll be the longest porno of all time.) and will focus on some chick’s journey into
sluthood adulthood. The girl will be played by Charlotte Gainsbourg, and will also star Willem Defoe (of course), Stellan Skarsgård and real life wax figure Nicole Kidman. I can only assume she’ll be playing one of those real life sex dolls like in this doco where guys date sex dolls:
Anyway, who’s going to see it?