Let’s talk about Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller for a minute.

Remember when these two were a couple and everything was just one drug fuelled disaster after another? Well, things aren’t that different now (although it’s been awhile since Charlie Sheen held a knife to someones throat, hasn’t it?), and in the spirit of saving time, I thought I’d just combine their stories for the day.

Okay, Brooke first.

Brooke Mueller is back in rehab for the 19th time, which kind of puts Lindsay Lohan in perspective, or gives you a glimpse of a future post I will write about LiLo. Probably the latter. Here’s where it gets interesting. Instead of leaving her kids with their dad Charlie Sheen, she handballed them over to Charlie’s previous wife, Denise Richards. Apparently this is the second time she’s done this. Denise must be a pretty good sport because if it was me in her shoes I’d be all kinds of ‘what the fuck are you thinking?’

Now, Brooke was placed on one year of probation for a previous drug charge, and one of her probation conditions was that she remain sober, and she recently failed a drug test when alcohol and adderall came up in her system, so she’s probably pulling a ‘get into rehab to avoid jail’ stunt. Whatever, no surprises there.

Charlie, meanwhile, recently donated $75,000 to a young girl battling cancer, which is somewhat surprising because I always just assumed he spent all his money on hookers, drugs and fedoras, but apparently he hands out money all the time. In this case:

Sheen was recently chatting with a Hermosa Beach police officer and learned about a cop whose 10-year-old daughter Jasmine had been diagnosed with Childhood Rhabdomyosarcoma, a type of cancer that affects the muscle tissue.

The next day he donated $75,000 to a fund her parents had set up for her.

We know he gave LiLo $100,000 to help her pay off her taxes, which he’s kind of pissy about now because she didn’t say thank you, not even by text message, which is pretty fucked up but not overwhelmingly surprising since she’s all caught up being the groupie of the century right now. Apparently back in July he also donated $1 million to a US military aid organisation. While it’s nice to hear about this kind of thing for a change, it’s also a bit like ‘but you still shot Kelly Preston in the arm that time and you definitely held a knife to Brooke’s throat as well.’ But hey, baby steps, right?

Related posts:

The stories I don’t have time to tell you about: December 9, 2012.

The stories I don’t have time to tell you about: December 6, 2012.

The stories I don’t have time to tell you about myself: November 29, 2012.

Let’s talk about how the kid from Two and a Half Men has lost his damn mind.

The stories I don’t have time to tell you about myself: November 27, 2012.