Teen Mom trainwreck Amber Portwood is out of jail after serving only 17 months of her 5 year sentence. Now, it’s been a long, long time since we’ve chatted about Amber on PCP, so let’s discuss this.
Posts tagged ‘Amber Portwood’
Well, I’m a little behind, as always, but here’s the final five, my ultimate favourite reality shows. Honestly there’s not even any real point to having a 5-1 countdown because they’re basically all a five-way tie because I have a ridiculous obsession with each and every one of them. Anyway, here we go:
5 Made in Chelsea.
For a cast with *so* much money, this show is so trashy, and I’m so addicted to it. Here’s the rundown of the cast. There may be spoilers if you’re not up to date.
Amber: She’s fierce. Her friendship with Mark Vincent is amazing. They’re the only ones who stay drama free because they are so rich they’re above it.
Millie: Love her as much as she loves her dewy-foundation. Which is a lot. I love a girl who’s not afraid to throw a drink or slap someone. Also, that time when she’s like ‘sorry, [Herbie, her dog] normally likes other dogs’ to Victoria.
Rosie: Hate her. She sucks. And she blinks too much.
Binky: She’s whatever.
Caggie: God, she’s boring. The Made in Chelsea version of Elizabeth Wakefield. Endless drama and not in a fun way.
Gabriella: She’s insane and I kind of love her for it. She also blinks too much. Like a goldfish.
Cheska: Hate hate hate her. She has the ability to suck the fun out of any situation.
Ollie: Come out of the closet already. He also looks perpetually worried, probably because his life is a big old lie.
Spencer: Wanker. The worst guy on the show.
Francis: One of those kids who is sheltered by his money.
Hugo: Douchebag, but also, babe.
Richard: Not in the show often enough for me to have a real opinion of him.
Jamie: Fun, but immature.
Louise: Deserves better than fuckwit Spencer.
Sophia: Ahhhhhhh her and Frances are too adorable.
Victoria: Dog. Leathery dog.
And of course, Mark Vincent:
I can’t believe they left out all the times when he says that something is *not* a look. That’s my favourite.
4 Teen Mom.
The problem with this list is that I feel like I have nothing original to say because I talk about all these shows regularly already. But here goes:
Amber: I’ve given Amber a whole lot of shit in the past, but her Teen Mom finale interview and Amber Behind Bars special really impressed me and she seems like she’s doing really well (obviously she’s not in any of the prisons featured in ‘Beyond Scared Straight’) and I genuinely hope that she keeps making progress for the sake of her daughter.
Maci: I love Maci. I know she spends her TM money kind of recklessly (boob job, new car, house that she may not be able to afford when the money dries up), but I think she has good intentions and I can kind of understand why she makes the decisions she does. If I’d gotten knocked up as a teen and then at 19 I was getting huge paychecks from MTV I probably wouldn’t have been financially responsible either. At the end of the day I think she’s a good mother to Bentley and he is the cutest little kid. I mean, look:
He’s too cute.
Farrah: I feel sorry for Farrah because I think she gets a bad rap because she’s such a brat. And she really is. But I don’t think her behaviour is that uncommon. If a 16, 17, 18 year old me had to deal with Farrah’s parents (who certainly aren’t shining examples to their youngest daughter), I would be exactly the same, and I think a lot of other girls would be, too. Also, Farrah, despite wasting a shit ton of money on surgery she didn’t need to begin with, seems to be the only one who is ever actually shown accomplishing anything, study-wise. I love Maci but I feel like half the show was her being like ‘But I don’t wanna study I just want to play with Bentley forever. LET’S HAVE ANOTHER BABY KYLE!’
Catelynn: Catelynn’s ’16 & Pregnant’ episode fucked my shit up so hard, and her and Tyler are really sweet and I commend them for making what was obviously a very difficult decision when they were very young. At the same time, I kind of feel like them being on ‘Teen Mom’ kind of stopped them from dealing with their feelings about the adoption and moving on from it, because they constantly had to think about it, talk about it, and relate that to their current lives. I hope now that the show is over that they can move on and stop getting Carly’s photos on like, quilts and shit, because that can’t be healthy.
3 Dance Moms.
You know when you start watching something because you think it will be trainwreck-funny but then you actually just end up genuinely enjoying it? That’s what happened to me with ‘Dance Moms’. I was expecting it to be terrible and I would just laugh at the awful mothers and whatever, be done with it. That’s not what happened. What happened is that I got legitimately hooked on it and now I tear up at some point of every single episode because I’m emotionally invested in each one of these girls. I’m not fucking with you, I’m pretty sure I’ve cried at some point of the majority of these episodes. Any time a girl forgets her dance? I cry. When they’re fantastic and their mothers cry because they’re proud? I cry then, too. Any time Abby is mean to Chloe, it breaks my heart because she’s so sweet and such a lovely little dancer. Basically what I’m saying is that I was expecting to watch a trainwreck, but it turns out I’m the goddamn trainwreck. Well played, ‘Dance Moms’, well played.
2 The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
I’ve literally said everything I need to say about this show and how much I love it here, except that I am currently disliking Yolanda because she’s like the fun police for the rest of the real bitches and also, because she claims to be against plastic surgery but it’s like, well why can’t I see your eyes then? It seriously looks like they pulled her skin so far back that they had to create new holes for her eyes, and that her real eyelids are stapled to the back of her skull somewhere. I know it’s mean, but you know it’s kind of true.
Ohhhhhhh, Cristy. You know, it’s like 8 seasons later, or something, and there still hasn’t been an episode as crazy as this one. Allison’s ‘I’m walking on sunshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine’ comes pretty close, but even she didn’t do what this one person on YouTube called ‘meth-ematics’, which I think is very clever and made me laugh:
… Okay, I just watched Allison’s video, the part where the cops come and they’re like ‘it’s the police’ and she replies ‘the po-po?’ while looking horrified is also pretty great. I’d forgotten about that.
But seriously, I swear I don’t just watch this show to laugh. Drug addiction is some serious shit and most of the episodes I watch while being horrified and then cry and cry when they get better. Also, Intervention has an insane 71% success rate of addicts staying clean post-Intervention. That’s incredible, and I’m all for it.
And that’s about it, really. What are your favourite reality shows? Am I missing out on anything spectacular?
It’s been a great year for television this year, and if you’ve been following PCP for awhile, you’ll know that if I’m not at work, blogging or socialising, I’m watching TV. Right now, for example, I’m watching My Strange Addiction while I type this. I don’t even know if I like this show or not because it’s so fucked up, but it’s on. ‘My name is Carrie, I’m 53 years old, I’m from Colorado Springs, Colorado, and I’m addicted to drinking my own urine.’ What? WHAT?!?! What EVEN? I CANNOT with this shit. It’s like, oh my God. Who ARE these people. I legit just dry-heaved thinking about it.
10 Criminal Minds
Part of me knows that Criminal Minds isn’t as good now as it was when it started out, but I still look forward to watching this show weekly, and I think it’s one of the best crime-procedural shows on television currently, so it makes the cut.
Favourite episode of 2012: The Lesson, season 8 episode 10.
That is some deranged shit right there.
09 The Mindy Project
My favourite new show from pilot season 2013 (although I’ll give shout-outs to The New Normal and Elementary, also), y’all know I think Mindy Kaling is my spirit animal. I just adore her and I think this show has so much potential. I am so hoping it gets renewed for a second season.
Favourite episode of 2012: Danny Castellano is My Gynecologist, season 1 episode 5.
Weeds’ final season! I’ve had such a love-hate relationship with this show over the years, I loved it, then I hated it because all of Nancy’s dumbass decisions in seasons 4-6 made me feel like I was about to have a stroke but I couldn’t stop watching it, and then I liked it again, and then the final season I loved.
Favourite episode of 2012: God Willing and the Creek Don’t Rise, season 8 episode 11, because of how intensely fucked this scene is:
07 Bob’s Burgers
My absolute favourite cartoon since Daria, I love that Bob is the level headed one, unlike Family Guy and The Simpsons. I love all the characters and the dynamic between the family members, ugh, I just cannot rave about this show enough. It’s so good.
Favourite episode of 2012: Ear-sy Rider, season 3 episode 1.
06 2 Broke Girls
I just love the dynamic between Kat Dennings and Beth Behrs. It feels more like a late 90′s early 00′s sitcom with it’s punchy jokes and laugh track, but I kinda dig that about it.
Favourite episode of 2012: And the Egg Special, season 2 episode 8.
05 The Office
Let’s be honest, the last few seasons of The Office haven’t been nearly as good as they once were, but I still think it’s one of the better comedies on television at the moment, and I’ll be sad to see it go when season 9 finishes. I’ve loved the addition of Catherine Tate as Nellie and every scene that she has with Dwight is amazing, particularly in the Roy’s Wedding episode. She sets up the mandatory charity initiative, Dwight opposes it and says he’ll donate to the taliban, she makes him sign a document saying he’ll live under taliban rule in the office, and then steals his pen, challenging him to cut off her hand.
Favourite episode of 2012: Roy’s Wedding, season 9 episode 2.
I’m so sad I couldn’t find the scene where Nellie challenges Dwight to chop off her hand because it’s seriously the best scene The Office has done in years and years. Even if you think the show has jumped the shark, please just watch this episode just for the scenes with Dwight and Nellie because they are amazing.
04 Modern Family
I can’t rave about Modern Family enough. You know how I gave The New Normal a shout out earlier in this post? Well, let’s be honest. The New Normal wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for Modern Family. It’s the I Dream of Jeannie to Bewitched, the Charmed to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you know what I mean? It’s NBC’s answer to ABC’s hit show. It’s good, sure, but it’s absolutely riding on Modern Family’s coattails. Anyway, Modern Family is fantastic and has rebooted family sitcoms for a new generation, and I just love it.
Favourite episode of 2012: Schooled, season 4 episode 2.
Everything that’s in the promo for this episode has nothing to do with why it’s my favourite of the year. I love how Modern Family can balance comedy with drama, and I love the scenes with Haley and her parents as she moves away from home for the first time to live in her college dorm.
03 Pretty Little Liars
‘Coz two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. (Shhh)
Okay, so I am aware that this show probably doesn’t deserve to place so highly on my list, but the mid-season finale of season 3 was too good to ignore, because it’s basically one big homage to Scream, which y’all KNOW is my favourite teen slasher of all time. Aside from that, PLL definitely has its weak moments, cheesy moments and ridiculous teen show moments, but I’m totally okay with that. If I had to choose between watching this or watching critically acclaimed Girls, it would be Pretty Little Liars all the way. I think Lena Dunham is a spoilt self-righteous brat, and the girls on PLL have amazing style. And no, there’s no actual comparison to be made between the two shows, I just hate Lena Dunham this week.
Favourite episode of 2012: The Lady Killer, season 3 episode 12.
Here’s what my favourite beauty guru Amarixe had to say about the midseason finale:
02 Parks & Recreation
This show just gets better and better. Great characters, hilarious, and can make me cry if it wants to. There’s nothing more to discuss.
Favourite episode of 2012: Halloween Surprise, season 5 episode 5.
‘Sorry about yo’ jaw, son.’
Also a great episode because SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS it’s also when Ben proposes to Leslie, which makes me toooooo happy. I cried.
01 It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
No surprises here, IASIP is my favourite show currently on TV, and season 8 has been fantastic after the last few hit & miss seasons.
Favourite episode of 2012: The Gang Recycles Their Trash, season 8 episode 2.
This is just such a great nod to the longtime fans of the show and such an original way to do what is essentially a ‘clip show’, I’m just in awe of it, basically.
05 Made in Chelsea
I got so very into Made in Chelsea this year. Love Millie and Hugo and all that drama, love anything Mark Vincent is a part of, and I love hating Rosie because she’s a nasty two faced slutbitch. And OMG Proudlock. Whatababe. Oh, and Spencer is a bastard and Caggie is a boring basic bitch.
Come at me, Proudlock.
04 Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
I. Love. This. Show.
It’s such trash, but it’s such gooooooooooood trash, you know? Let’s talk about who I love and hate for a hot minute.
From Left to Right:
Taylor: She is such a hot mess but I kind of love her? Like when Brandi got in that fight with Paul and he was screaming in her face calling her a bitch and then Taylor made it all about herself and all her Russell issues, like what are you even doing. Apart from that she’s not doing much this season so far.
Kim: I loathe Kim. She’s behaves like a 14 year old brat all of the time and I don’t give a fuck if she’s sober now, she’s still a pain in the ass and I hate the way she treats Kyle. That being said, we got to see Kathy Hilton this season because of Kim, so I have that to be grateful for, because I have a strange fascination with Paris Hilton’s mother that I don’t understand and cannot explain.
Lisa: I adore Lisa, bitch is the only one with her head screwed on. I cannot wait for her spin-off show to begin and I love that she is ‘indifferent’ towards Adrienne now.
Adrienne: Hate. Hate. Hate her. It’s so weird. When season 1 started I thought Adrienne was a no nonsense fierce bitch and I loathed Camille, but now I love Camille and I think Adrienne’s a two faced cunt. I can’t believe all the shit she’s pulled with Lisa since the season 2 reunion and I’m kind of looking forward to watching her marriage fall apart. Karma’s a motherfucker.
Brandi: I didn’t care too much for Brandi when she first joined the show, but I’ve grown to love her and I think she makes the show so much more fun to watch. I like that Lisa’s kind of taken Brandi under her wing and that they’re close, and I love that Brandi was the only one to stick up for Lisa in the season 2 finale. She earned herself big points in my book for that.
Yolanda: I don’t like her, I don’t dislike her. She’s just there, and quite frankly I’m pretty sure Camille still gets more screen time as a recurring guest than Yolanda does as a full-time housewife. She’s kind of boring and I want Camille back because I love her and I want to know more about her boytoy’s dick rather than all the boring things Yolanda does to keep her boring husband interested.
Kyle: I love Kyle. She certainly has her ups and downs, but most of the time I think she’s cool and I’ll side with her when arguments occur on the show. Plus, as I’ve mentioned before (probably), I was on the same flight as her on election day and it was awesome. Her and Mauricio both smiled at me even though Kyle looked like she was having the worst day ever (you remember how she hates flying, right?) and she looked so pretty. Exactly how she does on the show, the hair, the make-up, everything. She’s a fierce bitch and I feel sorry for her that she has to deal with Kim.
03 Teen Mom
Teen Mom’s final season! I’m genuinely sad that this show is over because Teen Mom 2 just makes me angry and I don’t know the girls from upcoming Teen Mom 3. I love the girls from Teen Mom (well, three of them.) and will absolutely be watching anything they choose to do in the future.
02 The X Factor USA
If you didn’t see this one coming you must be new around here. Welcome to PCP, I’m obsessed with Britney Spears. Enough said.
01 Dance Moms
I’m likeeeee, way too invested in Dance Moms, seriously. I watch it, and at some point of most episodes I will tear up, either because the girls perform badly or forget their routine, or because they nail it and their mothers are crying because it’s so good. Either way, my emotions get wrecked while I watch this ridiculous show.
Chloe is so good when she gets to be evil, she’s my favourite.
What were your favourite shows/episodes/television moments of 2012? What are you looking forward to in the new year? Let me know in the comments below!
Hello, PCP addicts, how are we today? I’m super excited because I just got my hands on Rihanna’s new album. It works out well for me, too, because I was planning on telling you my obsessions of the moment anyway, and now I can include my very early favourite from Unapologetic. The post itself is fairly self-explanatory, the categories may change from post to post, but it’s whatever. I’ll be doing these fortnightly on Fridays. So, without further ado, let’s get into it:
Song of the moment: Jump, by Rihanna.
Here are some things I love: Rihanna, Pony, by Ginuwine, dubstep. This song has it all and it’s by far my favourite on the album so far. The dubstep reminds me of Step Up 4 (which reminds me that I need the SU4 soundtrack, too).
Seriously. This needs to be a single.
Movie of the moment: Pitch Perfect.
Again, things I love: singing, pop music, comedies with decent scripts, chick flicks with decent scripts, anything that reminds me of Bring It On, Rebel Wilson, anything with a final scene (or any scene) that makes me tear up even if it’s completely, entirely cheesy. I’ve seen this twice and I’ll see it again. OBSESSED.
I need to stop before this turns into a YouTube spiral and eats away my entire afternoon.
Scripted TV – Drama: Elementary.
I am eternally looking for new TV to watch, which makes pilot season a very exciting time of the year for me. I should get out more? Perhaps. But that doesn’t change the fact that this is one of the best shows to come out of pilot season this year. So, if you’re unfamiliar, he’s Sherlock Holmes, and Lucy Liu is Watson. If you’re thinking ‘what need is there for yet another modern day take on Sherlock Holmes?’ that’s fair, because I thought the same thing. I also thought that this was going to be just as awful and boring as L&O: Criminal Intent. I was pleasantly surprised to find it’s nothing like that, and with SVU well on its way out and Criminal Minds showing its age, there’s definitely a place for a new procedural with great scriptwriters.
Scripted TV – Comedy: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.
This probably doesn’t come as any surprise to anyone who’s been on PCP for awhile, this is by far my favourite show on TV right now, and season 8 is shaping up to be one of the strongest seasons to date. The reason it makes the cut as my obsession of the fortnight is mostly due to 8×02, though, ‘The Gang Recycles Their Trash,’ which was the most amazing version of a ‘clip show’ that I’ve ever seen, and weeks after it aired, I’m still thinking about how brilliant I thought this episode was.
Reality TV: Teen Mom
Up until last night, this was going to go to Dance Moms, because I’m so addicted to that show that I’m not even kidding, I’m pretty sure I’ve cried at some point of the last I don’t even know how many episodes. It’s ridiculous, I’m way too invested in the dance careers of 9 year old girls. Buuuut then I remembered that Teen Mom 2 started this week, and then as I was hunting for that on the internet I came across the Teen Mom ‘ask the moms’ special, and the ‘Amber Behind Bars’ special. It reminded me how addicted I am to the original Teen Mom, and since it’s over now (although I’ve read that they’re basically all getting their own spin-off shows, except for Amber), this would be my only chance to have it as my obsession of the moment.
Okay, so here’s what surprised me about watching those two specials. I’ve talked a lot of shit about Amber in the past, but she kind of blew me away as I was watching her. She laughed, and not in that ‘hahaha I’m going to fuck you up’ kind of way, but rather, the genuine laugh of someone who suddenly seems like the weight of the world has been lifted off her shoulders.
She laughed at herself, and when they asked her if she thought Teen Mom glamourised teen pregnancy she cracked up and said ‘I’M IN PRISON!’ and then, even more surprising, followed that up with a serious, well thought out opinion that actually made me sit back and think ‘wait, what? Is she a smart girl under everything?’. She took responsibility for her behaviour (for the first time ever), and it was just, by the end of it I didn’t hate her and I was really rooting for her to do well, because the therapeutic community they have her in within the prison is obviously doing something right for her.
Book: Hiding From Reality, Taylor Armstrong.
Okay, so Taylor Armstrong is no George Orwell, but I could not put this book down. I bought it to read on the flight home, and between take off and landing, finished it. That never happens, but because it reads like one long magazine article about Taylor’s insane relationship with Russell, it’s a fast read. Perfect flight reading, actually.
Now, even though it’s a fast read, doesn’t mean that the content isn’t entirely graphic and horrifying. I definitely teared up throughout the book, but I’m probably not a normal person because as seen on this list alone, I’ll cry at basically anything you put in front of me. Maybe I should change the name of this post to ‘Things that are so good I cry about it.’
You should absolutely read it.
- Mary-Kate Olsen is still gettin’ cozy with a Sarkozy, either that or he’s kidnapped her and is trying to get her to give him a BJ in public. [Dlisted]
- Ariel Winter’s mother Chrystal was a psycho stage mum on the set of The Chaperone in 2010. [TMZ]
- Rihanna and Kate Moss get sexy and naked for V magazine. [HollywoodTuna]
- Celebrities tweet about Veteran’s Day. [GossipCop]
- Taylor Swift performs ‘We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together’ dressed as Britney Spears circa late 2008-2009. [ONTD!]
- Matty McConaughey is lookin’ scary skinny in preparation for his next role. [Dlisted]
- Justin Bieber covers JT’s Cry Me a River the day after the news of Jelena’s break up hits the world. [TMZ]
- Now that Kristen Stewart has Rob back, she’s walking all over him again. Countdown to the next infidelity begins now. [Celebitchy]
- Anne Hathaway plays Katie Holmes on SNL’s spoof of Ellen and it’s actually pretty funny. [GossipCop]
- Leah Shirley, Amber Portwood and Gary Shirley’s kid from Teen Mom, turns 4. Will she see her jailbird mother? [ONTD!]
- Paul McCartney almost died in a helicopter accident the other day. [TMZ]
- Listen to snippets from RiRi’s new album. She samples Ginuwine’s Pony in one of the tracks so I’m totally, completely on board. [PopCrush]
I can’t even be bothered separating Lindsay and Amanda posts anymore, so just come in here and we’ll catch up with both of them, yeah?
Okay, let’s start with Lindsay today.
First up, here’s the first teaser trailer for Liz and Dick:
Don’t judge me, but I’m totally excited about this and will absolutely be watching it.
The always entertaining Dina Lohan has said that if she were to do it all again, she ‘might not’ have put LiLo into showbiz. Her choice of words in ‘might not’ make me giggle, because anyone with a braincell can figure out that she would absolutely do it all over again, because she has money and who cares how fucked up Lindsay is because of it? That being said, even if Lindsay wasn’t in showbusiness I don’t think she had a chance in hell of turning out okay with Michael and Dina as her parents, unfortunately. In fact, I think she would’ve ended up like Amber from Teen Mom.
Here are some of the other key quotes from Dina to the New York Daily News:
I was born into the business. My mother was an entertainer. It was natural. But yes, in the next life, I might not do it.
I’m certainly not making excuses for Lindsay’s behavior. But she’s a 26-year-old woman.
I don’t party with Lindsay. In the early years, I would go with her to clubs, because I wanted to see who the enablers were.
Let’s stop there, and look at this photo for a minute:
That’s from this time last year. Okay? Okay. Let’s move on.
I have questions about [Lindsay's assistant] Gavin. There have been numerous incidents with Lindsay where he has been present. It’s all very sketchy.
My 80-year-old mother was there, and she’s Italian-American, and to be able to have a glass of red wine there for her is normal for our family. Some people who want to quit drinking do it cold turkey and some do it gradually — you want to keep a balance. I don’t know what’s a right way or a wrong way. – On Dina’s decision to serve liquor at her 50th birthday party this year.
Providing us with a nice segue from Lindsay to Amanda, we have Goodyear, who have offered to provide both girls with free driving lessons via my favourite form of communication, the open letter. You can read both letters here.
Now, let’s get to Amanda, because she’s having a busy week, and honestly, the sooner I get this done the better, because I have to be up at 3am to catch a flight, and it’s 8pm now and I’ve got shit to do. For those of you interested, I’m in New Orleans at the moment, which is one of my favourite cities to far (although I think that about basically everywhere), and I’m flying to Albuquerque before heading to Santa Fe tomorrow. Also, in a completely unrelated sidenote, I decided today that if I was going to open up a knick knack shop in Albuquerque I would call it Albu-QUIRKY! But since I’m Australian and don’t particularly want to own a knick knack store, feel free to take that and use it as your own if you live there and are interested in that. My gift to you.
You like how I’m like ‘I’ve got shit to do!’ and then ramble on and on? Yeah. Okay, let’s actually get to Amanda now.
So the other day she was walking down the street and was being photographed, and she asked the man to delete a photo because ‘[she] needs to look beautiful,’ and when he didn’t she pinched him a whole lot. It’s totally bizarre, and you can watch it here. It’s definitely worth the time, it’s made it into my top 10 paparazzi videos of all time already.
Meanwhile, Amanda’s lawyer, agent and publicist have all ditched her over the past few weeks, according to TMZ. They say that all three said that they never had any problems with her until recently, saying that she’s become ‘extremely difficult’ and ‘uncontrollable.’
And, last but not least, she’s also been charged with two counts of driving on a suspended license, so LiLo, there you go, if she’s convicted she can face up to six months in jail for each offence.
What a great week for my favourite trainwrecks. I am loving life.
So I may have jumped the gun a little with my last Amber post. Foolishly, I didn’t take into account that she can do interviews from jail. I was too eager for her to not be in my life anymore. I know what you’re thinking: ‘Stephanie, if you hate her so much, why do you keep posting about her?’ and honestly, it’s because I really enjoy hating her. I find it fun. Don’t you judge me.
Anyway, this new interview is ridiculous, as expected. Here are some quotes from it:
I felt like I’d rather do my time, and get it over with, and make the best of the situation that’s been handed to me.
This is so typical of Amber. She punches Gary, it’s Gary’s fault for provoking her. She gets her ass addicted to prescription pills, the situation is just something that’s ‘been handed to her.’ Also, to ‘make the best of the situation’ would undeniably have been to do rehab, go to counselling, and grow the fuck up so she could be a mother to poor Leah, but whatever.
I was very depressed. I was alone, I was bitter at everybody, and I didn’t feel like that was the life I wanted to live.
You know what I hear is great for depression? Prison. That shit will perk you right up, it’s such a warm, friendly place, why would anyone ever want to leave? You know, we’re all just fools, really, for not realising how good we could have it. At least she’ll never have to worry about being alone, I suppose. That being said, if I was in jail and Amber was my cellmate I’d beg them to let me change cells, and if that didn’t work I’d probably try to kill myself. Or her. Probably her because I’m really selfish.
I’d taken 30 Suboxone in three days, you know, the depression took over and I’d just take 4-5 at a time underneath my tongue.
This is the part of the interview where they recap her suicide attempt from last year and play Gary’s 911 call and show the part where she punches him.
[Gary and I] will still have a relationship, we still do. I’m not just going to sit [in jail], I’m going to do substance abuse classes, I’m gonna get my GED.
This part is just sad because you realise how delusional she actually is about this whole thing. Like, if she can’t stay clean when she’s out in the world, what makes her think that she’s going to be able to do it in prison? It’s not like prison is a walk in the park, it’s called hard time for a reason. And it’s not like drugs don’t get into prisons. Also, I give it a week before Gary’s back at the strip club making it rain. And also, I’ve watched three (soon to be four) seasons of Teen Mom and Amber barely put any effort into getting her GED then because she was always too busy feeling sorry for herself (and because she’d profoundly stupid), so I really doubt she’s going to get it done in jail when she realises what a huge mistake she’s just made choosing jail over outpatient treatment.
And finally… she didn’t even mention Leah. Not once. You can watch the interview here.
Well, since she asked the judge to sentence her to jail, I guess we can’t really be surprised that’s where she’s headed, right?
Honestly there’s no a lot left of this story. She chose drugs and jail over rehab and watching her daughter grow up for the next five years, and now she’s getting just that.
Amber’s lawyer asked the judge for leniency in the sentencing, but the judge basically said ‘fuck no’ and reinstated Amber’s original five-year sentence. She’ll receive credit for time already served, but basically, that’s it. She’s not famous anymore.
Think about it. She’s going into jail in a time where people know who she is. They don’t like her, because she’s an awful person, but she’s famous. She’s not getting out in the near future, and I’m sure in five years the Teen Mom craze will be long dead. Essentially, what this means is that from this very moment, we never have to talk about Miss Amber Portwood again, because she’s no longer a famous person. I just wonder if Amber realises that. Point is, no one has to care.
Now, we just have to get Jenelle to do the same and everything will be right in the world.
This bitch, I can’t even. I don’t even know where to start.
Okay, well first up, I’ll say that I meant to get this post up hours ago, but if you check out my instagram, you can see that I got a tube shoved in my nose and all the way down my oesophagus this morning, and it’s rather uncomfortable, so I decided to take a nap to avoid the whole thing for a few hours when I got home. That and I was feeling lazy. What are ya gonna do, you know? Excuse the fact that I look feral as fuck in the photo.
Anyway, let’s move on. You’re probably aware of my love for Teen Mom by now, and the original is by far my favourite because I really like Maci, Farrah, Catelynn and Tyler, and their kids. Amber, on the other hand. Well, she’s always been a fucking trainwreck. I watch her scenes with the same kind of feeling I got watching the fourth and fifth seasons of Weeds, when every time Nancy would do anything I’d wonder if she was actually going to induce a stroke in me because I’d get all worked up thinking ‘How?! HOW can you think this is a good idea?!’ Amber does the same shit. When she instigates fights with Gary in front of Leah and then says that he made her punch him and it’s basically all his fault, ugh. She makes me sick.
Until recently, though, I did think she was an infinitely better mother than Jenelle from Teen Mom 2, and no, not because of this massive, fugly tattoo that she got:
But rather, because it seemed to me that she gave a shit what happened to her kid, unlike Jenelle, who quite obviously and unashamedly doesn’t give a rat’s ass what happens to Jace as long as she’s got whatever near-homeless boyfriend she’s seeing by her side and a fat blunt in her hand.
Speaking of the two of them, you can click here to see Amber naked, and click here to see Jenelle before and after her boob job, although you can’t see nips or vag. Gross. Why would you even want to, though, for real.
Let’s get back on track before I talk about how gross I think those two are for the rest of this post.
Amber went and got herself addicted to the opiate based drug Suboxone, which is highly addictive and similar to morphine. Back in December after her drug possession arrest, the judge went easy on her and offered her court ordered rehab so that she could avoid jail time, which is nice, since, ya know, she’s got a little kid who probably wants to have her mother around during her formative years, and all. The terms of the sentence were that if she completed the rehab program that the judge would dismiss the charges, and if not, she faced five years in the slammer. Basically from that moment on she was in and out of jail consistently for failing to do… well, anything. She couldn’t have done less to help herself if she’d tried.
When she got to court the other day, she asked the judge to throw her in prison because she hadn’t stayed clean, and was buying Suboxone off the street. Motherhood be damned, right? She said that she’d always be a ‘bad girl’ and she should just be put in prison. Apparently she thinks she’ll be able to go cold turkey in prison. LOL. While I’ve never been to prison, I feel as though I would probably choose five years with my kid who loves me over five years hard time with a bunch of scenarios that we don’t need to get into right here.
Anyway, to sum up how I feel about this, Amber is fucked, and I feel sorry for Leah because she’s got truly, truly shitty parents and she probably doesn’t have a chance in hell of turning out well.
It’s been awhile… I know I shouldn’t have kept you waiting… But I’m here now.
Welcome back, lovers. Did you miss me?
Settle in, I’ve got a lot of shit to say about this fuckery. When I say ‘this fuckery’, take a quick peek at that photo up there. That’s the fuckery I’m referring to.
I’m sure you’ve heard by now that young Snooki is pregnant. I wasn’t going to post anything about it, because quite frankly I was waiting for something more interesting to happen in gossipland (xoxo, sluts), but this whole debacle just kept spiralling out of control like Lindsay Lohan on a coke bender:
Basically, this shit blew up like fucking Hiroshima and I couldn’t not write about it, so let’s get to it.
So my first thoughts when I heard that she was up the duff (like Hilary, who, incidentally, is also up the aforementioned duff) was a big, sarcastic ‘SURPRISE!’
Like, you take one look at that tiny slut and you just know she’s unashamedly climbing any dude who’ll take her. I’ve seen one entire episode of Jersey Shore, and that’s legitimately all I needed to make that decision.
Now, her pregnancy may not be particularly interesting news to me, but it certainly is to her ex Emilio Masella, who told TMZ he hopes she miscarries, to ‘save her from the baby she’s not ready for’. His exact words, from TMZ, were this:
I hope for her sake … not to be rude or anything … but I hope she has a miscarriage.
And he said this after being issued a cease and desist for saying that she should get a paternity test because the father could be him or Vinny, who I assume is one of the Jersey Shore douchebags. I can’t even keep track of them, they all look the same, seriously. I mean, okay, look at this Emilio guy:
Ducklips have never looked sexier, right? Gross. But tell me he doesn’t look like the lovechild of Ronnie and the one with the ridiculous hair on the far right?
Seriously. If they banged, that’s totally what their douchebag guido son would look like.
Meanwhile, Sammi ‘Sweetheart’, jumped to “defend” Snooki, in what may be the worst defence of all time:
It’s not like she’s 16 and pregnant.
She said some more shit after that, including something about how she’s gonna be a ‘fun mom’
But none of it was as interesting as the first bit. I’m sorry, what?
It’s not like she’s 16 and pregnant.
Exactly. That’s exactly it. She’s not sixteen. She’s twenty four. And you know what you should be at twenty four if you’re out getting shitfaced and jumping dudes like it’s a competitive sport? Fucking old enough to know better, that’s what.
In all seriousness, I have no actual judgement for her partying, she can do what she wants, but implying that she’s going to be a better mother than the girls who get pregnant at sixteen? That’s bullshit. It legitimately doesn’t matter what age Snooki is, you can take one look at her and tell she’s not ready for a kid, regardless of whether she planned it or not, regardless of whether she wants it now or not. If I had a kid, and had to choose who would look after my kid out of her or the girls from Teen Mom, this is the order it would go in:
You see what I’m saying? The only ones below her are the two psychotic felons. Point is,
I love Teen Mom Snooki’s age has nothing to do with whether she’ll be a good mother, and Sammi may or may not be a sweetheart, but she’s dumb as a box of hair.
Moving on, this is the new edition of Us Weekly:
Oh em gee, indeed.
Here are the choice quotes that Snooki’s baby will get to read (hopefully, I’m not convinced anyone from the cast of Jersey Shore can read yet) when he or she gets old enough:
Her first thought when she found out she was pregnant:
Shit! I’ve been drinking!
On the sonogram:
It looks like an alien.
On getting drugged up for the birth:
Natural birth? Eff that!
I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.