Well, I’m a little behind, as always, but here’s the final five, my ultimate favourite reality shows. Honestly there’s not even any real point to having a 5-1 countdown because they’re basically all a five-way tie because I have a ridiculous obsession with each and every one of them. Anyway, here we go:
5 Made in Chelsea.
For a cast with *so* much money, this show is so trashy, and I’m so addicted to it. Here’s the rundown of the cast. There may be spoilers if you’re not up to date.
Amber: She’s fierce. Her friendship with Mark Vincent is amazing. They’re the only ones who stay drama free because they are so rich they’re above it.
Millie: Love her as much as she loves her dewy-foundation. Which is a lot. I love a girl who’s not afraid to throw a drink or slap someone. Also, that time when she’s like ‘sorry, [Herbie, her dog] normally likes other dogs’ to Victoria.
Rosie: Hate her. She sucks. And she blinks too much.
Binky: She’s whatever.
Caggie: God, she’s boring. The Made in Chelsea version of Elizabeth Wakefield. Endless drama and not in a fun way.
Gabriella: She’s insane and I kind of love her for it. She also blinks too much. Like a goldfish.
Cheska: Hate hate hate her. She has the ability to suck the fun out of any situation.
Ollie: Come out of the closet already. He also looks perpetually worried, probably because his life is a big old lie.
Spencer: Wanker. The worst guy on the show.
Francis: One of those kids who is sheltered by his money.
Hugo: Douchebag, but also, babe.
Richard: Not in the show often enough for me to have a real opinion of him.
Jamie: Fun, but immature.
Louise: Deserves better than fuckwit Spencer.
Sophia: Ahhhhhhh her and Frances are too adorable.
Victoria: Dog. Leathery dog.
And of course, Mark Vincent:
I can’t believe they left out all the times when he says that something is *not* a look. That’s my favourite.
4 Teen Mom.
The problem with this list is that I feel like I have nothing original to say because I talk about all these shows regularly already. But here goes:
Amber: I’ve given Amber a whole lot of shit in the past, but her Teen Mom finale interview and Amber Behind Bars special really impressed me and she seems like she’s doing really well (obviously she’s not in any of the prisons featured in ‘Beyond Scared Straight’) and I genuinely hope that she keeps making progress for the sake of her daughter.
Maci: I love Maci. I know she spends her TM money kind of recklessly (boob job, new car, house that she may not be able to afford when the money dries up), but I think she has good intentions and I can kind of understand why she makes the decisions she does. If I’d gotten knocked up as a teen and then at 19 I was getting huge paychecks from MTV I probably wouldn’t have been financially responsible either. At the end of the day I think she’s a good mother to Bentley and he is the cutest little kid. I mean, look:
He’s too cute.
Farrah: I feel sorry for Farrah because I think she gets a bad rap because she’s such a brat. And she really is. But I don’t think her behaviour is that uncommon. If a 16, 17, 18 year old me had to deal with Farrah’s parents (who certainly aren’t shining examples to their youngest daughter), I would be exactly the same, and I think a lot of other girls would be, too. Also, Farrah, despite wasting a shit ton of money on surgery she didn’t need to begin with, seems to be the only one who is ever actually shown accomplishing anything, study-wise. I love Maci but I feel like half the show was her being like ‘But I don’t wanna study I just want to play with Bentley forever. LET’S HAVE ANOTHER BABY KYLE!’
Catelynn: Catelynn’s ’16 & Pregnant’ episode fucked my shit up so hard, and her and Tyler are really sweet and I commend them for making what was obviously a very difficult decision when they were very young. At the same time, I kind of feel like them being on ‘Teen Mom’ kind of stopped them from dealing with their feelings about the adoption and moving on from it, because they constantly had to think about it, talk about it, and relate that to their current lives. I hope now that the show is over that they can move on and stop getting Carly’s photos on like, quilts and shit, because that can’t be healthy.
3 Dance Moms.
You know when you start watching something because you think it will be trainwreck-funny but then you actually just end up genuinely enjoying it? That’s what happened to me with ‘Dance Moms’. I was expecting it to be terrible and I would just laugh at the awful mothers and whatever, be done with it. That’s not what happened. What happened is that I got legitimately hooked on it and now I tear up at some point of every single episode because I’m emotionally invested in each one of these girls. I’m not fucking with you, I’m pretty sure I’ve cried at some point of the majority of these episodes. Any time a girl forgets her dance? I cry. When they’re fantastic and their mothers cry because they’re proud? I cry then, too. Any time Abby is mean to Chloe, it breaks my heart because she’s so sweet and such a lovely little dancer. Basically what I’m saying is that I was expecting to watch a trainwreck, but it turns out I’m the goddamn trainwreck. Well played, ‘Dance Moms’, well played.
2 The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
I’ve literally said everything I need to say about this show and how much I love it here, except that I am currently disliking Yolanda because she’s like the fun police for the rest of the real bitches and also, because she claims to be against plastic surgery but it’s like, well why can’t I see your eyes then? It seriously looks like they pulled her skin so far back that they had to create new holes for her eyes, and that her real eyelids are stapled to the back of her skull somewhere. I know it’s mean, but you know it’s kind of true.
Ohhhhhhh, Cristy. You know, it’s like 8 seasons later, or something, and there still hasn’t been an episode as crazy as this one. Allison’s ‘I’m walking on sunshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine’ comes pretty close, but even she didn’t do what this one person on YouTube called ‘meth-ematics’, which I think is very clever and made me laugh:
… Okay, I just watched Allison’s video, the part where the cops come and they’re like ‘it’s the police’ and she replies ‘the po-po?’ while looking horrified is also pretty great. I’d forgotten about that.
But seriously, I swear I don’t just watch this show to laugh. Drug addiction is some serious shit and most of the episodes I watch while being horrified and then cry and cry when they get better. Also, Intervention has an insane 71% success rate of addicts staying clean post-Intervention. That’s incredible, and I’m all for it.
And that’s about it, really. What are your favourite reality shows? Am I missing out on anything spectacular?