I kind of love that Lindsay didn’t have time to check out the fine print of either Seafield or Morningside before she was due to check in, basically, but she had time to do a long-ass, sit-down interview with Piers Morgan. That is some classic Lohan-logic, right there.
Anyway, let’s run through the interview bit by ridiculous bit, and then have a moment of silence for what will probably be the last we hear from La Lohan for a little while.
LiLo pulled a Jay Gatsby and in 24 hours got Shawn Holley and the Betty Ford Center to take her back. Say what you will about Lindsay, but she is a fucking miracle worker when she wants to be, you guys.
So, here are the photos from Farrah’s “sex tape”, which I will continue to put quotations around because let’s be real, this is a porno and we all know it. Apart from those hideous acrylic nails, she looks nice! Good for her.
For those of you who want to see the porno in all its glory, it’s called ‘Farrah Superstar: Backdoor Teen Mom’, which made me laugh out loud when I read it the first time. It goes for 70 minutes. I don’t even think I could handle 70 minutes of watching/listening to Farrah if she had her clothes on, to be honest.
Farrah ended up selling the film (like she planned all along) for close to a million dollars; well below the ‘over 2 million’ price tag she put on the tape on Dr. Phil. No surprises there.
Moving on, let’s talk about how she dissed Jenelle Evans, or as I like to call it: Trainwreck vs. Trainwreck. It’s like Mad magazine’s Spy vs Spy series, but they’re both losers, all of the time.
Jenelle’s taken some shots at Farrah in the past; she called Farrah’s decision to get a boob job, chin implant and rhinoplasty ‘insane’, which is interesting given that Jenelle got a boob job, too. Pot, meet kettle. Also, am I the only one who’s looking at those sex tape pics up there and thinking that she looks better post-op than she did before? It’s not like she’s Heidi Montag… yet. (Give it time, she just got close to a million dollars, that’s a whole lot of potential surgeries). Oh, and a few weeks back Jenelle posted a Keek video making fun of Farrah, which I saw but honestly there was nothing to say because it wasn’t interesting, or funny, or trainwrecky enough for me to bother with. Anyway, you get the point. They got beef, yo.
Farrah decided to retaliate through a statement to RadarOnline, because that’s what ladies do, y’all. Here it is:
“It was brought to my attention that another Teen Mom, Jenelle Evens, seems to be stalking my every move in my personal life. She seems to be following in my footsteps with everything from my Keek videos, my plastic surgeries and my unfortunate personal legal issues that I’m dealing with at this time. I have nothing negative to say in response to her continuous and horrible comments about me. Whatever she says is her opinion.
“One thing I do have to say is, if she doesn’t like me, why are you looking and tracking everything I do? I personally have never had interest in her life as she seems to continuously not care about her son or herself. The drugs and bad relationships with men are not good.
‘If she doesn’t like me, why are you looking… ‘ I know I shouldn’t be surprised that a teen mother who up until a few weeks ago had never heard the word ‘eeeee-lab-or-ate’ doesn’t know the rules of the English language, but COME ON. That is basic fucking grammar and it HURTS. MY. BRAIN.
“From one helpful and concerned Teen Mom to another Teen Mom, who is clearly struggling, I think it is in your best interest to detract from spouting jealous attacks towards myself and other successful, positive and great mothers and to focus on making her marriage better, sorting out her drug addiction and helping her wonderful son that needs her in his life.
‘I have nothing negative to say/she is obvs struggling’ haha. Oh, Farrah.
“Jenelle has all the potential to turn her negatives in to a positive like I have. I wish Jenelle all the best in her future no matter what she decides to do. If she is happy the way she is, then that is her choice. But I will not be paying attention to her self destruction.
I’m sorry, WHAT?! ‘Like I have’?! HAHAHAHA DUIs and porno, the ingredients to a successful life, you guys. You heard it here first.
“I will continue to stay focused on improving my family relationships, my career and my future goals with completing my masters degree and providing a wonderful life for my beautiful daughter.”
“God bless, Farrah Abraham.”
While we’re on the topic of Jenelle, though, have you guys seen the finale for ‘Teen Mom 2′ yet? That scene with her and Kieffer holding each other up while they’re nodding off because they’re high as fuck on heroin and talking about all the great opportunities they had now that they were together and Kieffer was pressing charges on Barbara and her boyfriend was probably hands down the most fucked up scene of either of the ‘Teen Mom’ series, because all of a sudden I felt like I was watching ‘The Basketball Diaries’, as opposed to an MTV reality show.
And instead of laughing at Babs Evans like I normally do, I’m pretty sure I need counselling after watching her heartbreak over Jenelle’s drug addiction, and then having to tell Jace that they couldn’t go see his mother because she was ‘really sick’ right now. Kudos to Barbara for not being like ‘your mother doesn’t love you, Jace,’ because that’s what I was expecting from her. She showed some pretty great restraint there. Poor Jace, though. That kid is going to be so fucked up when he grows up, and he’s probably going to see the very moment when Jenelle chose heroin and Kieffer over him, and hear the words ‘If my mom says that I can’t see Jace when I’m with you, then I give up’. Ugh, you guys. All jokes aside, this whole situation is beyond fucked up and I hope Jenelle will get the help she needs.
Let’s move back to Farrah, because she’s more ‘trainwreck in a fun way’ than Jenelle is.
She pled not guilty to the three charges in her DUI case: aggravated DUI, refusal to take a field test, and disorderly conduct. She’s still trying to claim the whole ‘yes I was drunk but I wasn’t driving. I HAD driven but I was NOT DRIVING.’ Honestly she probably believes it because she’s that fucking dense.
She also posted that picture up there of the first letter her mother sent her after moving, tweeting:
“Awh look my #1st letter from my #Mom after moving:) #BIGDEAL xo.”
If you can’t read the letter, it says:
Farrah + Sophia.
I miss you both so much! Love you and pray God will bless and keep you safe. Want our family to heal and grow. I will NEVER leave or forsake you. You are a priority in my life.
xoxo
Mom + Grandma
Well, we all saw that coming, right? Farrah and Debra are totally co-dependent, they love having each other to fight with.
Most importantly, though, what do you think Farrah will be spending her porno cash on? Personally, I hope it’s her “music” career, and if you haven’t listened to her song, then I apologise for putting you through this but you really need to hear these to believe them:
I’m just going to file this one under ‘things that were bound to happen eventually’.
Okay, so apparently Jenelle decided to get back together with Courtland at some point and I either missed it or considered it irrelevant since none of her relationships last more an a couple of weeks at a time, even if they’re legally married.
The cops rocked up to her house to answer a domestic dispute, and after breaking up the fight, found a shit-ton of drugs.
Let’s start with the assault. Cops say that Jenelle hit Courtland with a piece of furniture, which sounds like some WWE shit to me (but real). They arrested Courtland for assault, too. Allegedly, he assaulted her by
“hitting her on the neck and striking her with a closed fist on her head.”
Ugh. I can’t deal with Jenelle and all her domestic disputes, you guys. I really hate everything about it, because it makes me feel like a shitty person for not feeling sorry for her. But I don’t. She plays the victim on ‘Teen Mom 2′ like ‘oh, Gary hit me so I left him and it’s done for good. LOLOLOL WE’RE BACK TOGETHER,’ but it’s just not that simple.
Okay, I’m not saying that it’s fine for these douchebags to beat the shit out of Jenelle because I don’t like her and she’s a liar, so don’t get me wrong. But Jenelle has way more responsibility in this situation that she ever accepts. Choosing the wrong guys, for example.
She’s claimed domestic violence against Kieffer, Gary, and Courtland (is that even it because I’m not even sure), who had all been arrested prior to meeting Jenelle. Maybe don’t choose criminals and junkies to be your boo. Everyone deserves a second chance, sure, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that looking for someone to get high with and looking for someone who can help you get your life on track and get back custody of the son you sometimes pretend to give a shit about are not compatible life goals.
Aside from that, I’ve seen ‘Teen Mom 2′. Jenelle has started her fair share of fights over the years (let’s be honest, it’s way more than her fair share), so I don’t buy for a second that Jenelle was just calmly sitting around, eloquently explaining why she was upset, when Gary or whoever suddenly tried to choke her with a bedspread, you know? I guess what I’m saying is that domestic violence can happen to anyone, yes, but when you’ve claimed domestic violence on three boyfriends in a row, maybe it’s time to look at your life and think ‘where am I going wrong that this happens to me over and over again?’ because it’s pretty easy to figure out, really.
OMG we got way off track there, didn’t we? Ugh. Okay, let’s move on to the drugs.
According to TMZ, cops found 12 bindles of heroin on Jenelle, and
was also found be illegally in possession of Percocet (a prescription painkiller) … as well as plastic wrapping paper and a glass smoking pipe, which is considered illegal drug paraphernalia.
They also found heroin on Courtland, but both Jenelle and Courtland denied possession of the heroin, which is why they both got charged with possession with the intent to manufacture, distribute and sell.
Oh, and if you’re like me and didn’t know what a ‘bindle‘ was, they’re those little plastic baggies that the junkies get their drugs in on ‘Intervention’.
Finally, after getting arrested, the cops also charged her with failure to pay her child support to her mother. Probably because she spent all her money on heroin.
Well, add these to your collection of ‘Teen Mom’ mugshots. Jenelle will have enough for a calendar soon enough:
Aw, Lindsay. Look how much she just loves that spotlight.
Okay, so Lindsay made an appearance on David Letterman to promote her public image ’Scary Movie 5′, but of course, Letterman just asked her a whole bunch of questions about rehab, because he’s David Letterman and making starlets squirm is like his favourite pastime.
I’ve got two options for you, the whole interview or just the promo clip, for those of you who can’t handle looking at her inflated trout pout for 14 minutes.
So I had two fairly different reactions after watching the promo clip versus the whole interview. I saw the promo last night, and it was just… you know… more of the same shit that I’ve watched Lindsay spew every time she’s been in trouble over the last 8 or 9 years, but with an acerbic edge to her voice that reminded me of the time her ex-BFF Paris Hilton got drilled by Letterman about her jail time.
2007. The golden era, right?
Okay, so then this morning, I watched the whole interview, and you guuuuuuys, I don’t know how Lindsay does it, but there’s something about her that just makes me want to believe her and want good things for her. I know, I know! It’s absurd, right?! Like how many times am I going to let her play me?
Despite my better judgement, that sees that I’m just falling for Lindsay’s ‘see how likeable I am because I’m making fun of my situation?’ there’s this part of me that’s like ‘aw, I hope she manages to get her shit together this time.’ It’s completely ridiculous, because when I actually think about how many obstacles are between the current version of Lindsay Lohan and the well-adjusted, happy, functioning adult version of Lindsay Lohan, it doesn’t seem likely that 3 months would even scratch the surface of her addiction problems, let alone the denial of said addictions. Even if they somehow managed to tackle those problems, there would still be the fame/drama/chaos addiction that she seems to deal with, and they still wouldn’t have even touched her parental issues with Michael and Dina, you know? But then again, I’ve watched 13 seasons of Intervention, and if they can manage to clean up decades-long heroin addicts, I guess there’s always hope for Miss LiLo.
First and foremost, a big shoutout to my darling Alicia, HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIRL! And it IS EVEN your birthday:
- Lindsay has a new boyfriend, apparently. Either he’s kind of suicidal or he’s not had the Internet for the last decade, right? Also, LiLo is adamant that if she has to miss her birthday she’s not going to miss Coachella, too. Fight for your right to party, girl. As it is, she might not be going into rehab anyway because as it turns out, lockdown rehab isn’t a thing, so she might end up in jail for 90 days instead of house arrest for 30 days. LOL. And finally, she’s being accused of being a homewrecker, too. [TMZ, Celebitchy, TMZ, Dlisted]
- Gucci Mane jailed on assault charges. [Idolator]
- Watch the trailer for Ke$ha’s ‘Crazy Beautiful Life’. [ONTD!]
- Channing Tatum wants to bang George Clooney. Get in line, buddy. Actually, nah, come with. [PITNB]
- JB’s neighbour says that JB spit in his face, JB is denying it. Also, apparently he is a ‘vehicular terror’ in his neighbourhood. [TMZ, TMZ, TMZ]
- Finally someone’s on my wavelength. Will ‘Gatsby’ bring us what we’ve all been waiting for: A good Leonardo DiCaprio love scene? Also there’s a new TV spot for the film at the end. [LaineyGossip]
- James Franco and Ashley Benson have released another weird hotel room spoof video, this time it’s to Selena Gomez’ ‘Love You Like A Love Song’. [GossipCop]
- Kirsten Dunst says that kissing Brad Pitt was ‘disgusting’. [WorstPreviews]
- Catelynn and Tyler are going to be on reality show ‘Couples Therapy’, along with Chingy and some other washed up celebs. [TMZ]
- Clive Mantle from ‘Game of Thrones’ had his fucking ear bitten off of his head at a hotel. What is it with all these ear stories this week, for real. [IDLYITW]
- The original ‘Skins’ cast: Where are they now? [BuzzFeed]
- Behind the scenes of the first day of the ‘Veronica Mars’ kickstarter project. [ONTD!]
I think I have a new favourite Lindsay mugshot, y’all. Her expression is just great. Like ‘yep, here we are… again. Fuckers.’
So here’s what’s gone down since LiLo got sentenced.
Version #1:
Allegedly, this is LiLo, hiding from the paparazzi as she hits the clubs before heading to rehab. Or, attempted to, anyway. This shot was taken outside the AV club in Hollywood, where she hid under a blanket, but was unable to shake the paps, so she never made it inside the club.
Version #2:
Lindsay heard the rumours, and tweeted the following:
Now, keeping in mind that the entire reason LiLo has been sentenced to lockdown rehabilitation is because she lied to the cops and has a record of doing so in the past, which version do we believe? Was LiLo trying to have her one last hurrah at the AV club, or was she sitting in her hotel room eating sushi?
As for why Lindsay finally agreed to the plea deal, it’s exactly what you think. She’s terrified of going to jail and realised far too late in the game that her lawyer was a fucking moron. If you’ll remember correctly, the prosecutors offered her 30 days of house arrest, which she turned down. Upon realising that her dumbass lawyer was going to get her thrown in the slammer, she took the plea because rehab was the less scary choice. Apparently she’s still adamant that she does not have a substance abuse problem. Ohhh, LiLo.
I don’t know who I think is more delusional, Charlie or Lindsay.
So after giving Lindsay $100,000 to help her with her ridiculous tax debt and not being thanked for it until he bitched about it to the media, Charlie proves to us once again that he’s equally as stupid as her by saying that he wants to mentor her. This is what he told TMZ:
“I have a kinship with somebody [Lindsay] who clearly needs a mentor, whether she wants one or not. She can continue to hang out with her dress shredding club buddies, or turn to me for some advice from a guy who’s been down the road as well as every other side trail on the journey.”
“If she listens, she’ll win. If she doesn’t, that’s on her.”
Shockingly, Charlie still claims they’ve never hooked up, “I love her, I respect her, and I’ve never laid a finger on her that wasn’t on film. How ya like me now, America?”
Okay, I love that he called her friends ‘dress shredding club buddies’ because not only does that reveal that he’s online reading about what Lindsay is up to but also that he’s CHARLIE FUCKING SHEEN and he’s disapproving of it. Charlie Sheen, you guys. You know your life is in shambles when even Charlie Sheen is like ‘this bitch needs help’.
I also love that he’s still trying to make ‘win’ happen. It happened, and now it’s over. Let’s all move on. Besides, I would argue that getting $100,000 dollars out of a guy who by his own admission isn’t even being paid in sexual favours is already ‘winning’.
The Chronicles of Lindsay Lohan is my favourite saga. God I hope we get to hear more about how he plans on helping her.
So in case you’re not up to date, Nick Stahl got caught by the cops “touching himself” while watching a porno in a Hollywood XXX store back in December, but apparently they’re not going to press charges due to insufficient evidence.
Works for me, I want all my little trainwrecks to be out on the street making mischief where ever they go. And now I’m picturing myself as kind of this all-powerful ‘Wicked Witch of the West’ type character, surrounded by Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes, Nick Stahl, Jenelle Evans, and the London twins. ‘FLY, my pretties! FLYYYYYYYYYYYY!’ #DelusionsOfGrandeur
Because I will take any chance to post a song from ‘Once More, With Feeling’. Now, let’s theorise:
What I’m thinking is that all these washed up late 90′s stars (Natasha Lyonne, Lisa Robin Kelly, Jeremy and Jason London and Nick Stahl) are a part of this club, right. It’s a club where they get together and talk about the good old days and reminisce about what it was like to have a functioning career. But you know how these things go, you have some drinks, and in the case of–I’m just going to call it–ALL of these celebs, some drugs, and shit gets crazy.
So one night, the conversation took the turn it did every week, to ‘how do we get our careers back?!’ and Natasha Lyonne came up with this crazy idea. Her idea was for each of them to have some sort of insane breakdown and then all gather together for some kind of against-all-odds ensemble cast. Imagine the press tour. The book deals.
Now, it can’t all be drug-related because that’s boring, and it can’t all be at the same time, because you want to let each person reap as much press as possible from their meltdown and not bombard the public with a group of late 90′s stars all trainwrecking at once. It needs to go on for at least a couple of days, because the first couple of days are taken up with the public remembering why they care. You know, ‘Lisa Robin Kelly, who’s she again? Oh, Laurie, right,’ that kind of thing.
Natasha took the first meltdown, and as we’ve already discussed this week, got crazy-hooked on heroin and threatened to rape her neighbour’s dog. It didn’t go great, so she went off to rehab and left the plan behind.
The others, shaken up by this turn of events, disbanded for a time. But as time when on and fewer and fewer people recognised them in the streets, they grew restless and decided to give the plan one more shot. They started slow.
Lisa Robin Kelly was arrested for DUI. People remembered her!
Jeremy upped the stakes and claimed he was kidnapped. People thought he was insane, but at least they were talking about him. Like Gossip Girl always said, you’re no one unless you’re talked about, right?
Lisa Robin Kelly, with no job prospects, went again. We all know how that went. But she got an interview out of it!
Next was Nick Stahl. He made the headlines not for what he was doing, but rather, what he wasn’t doing, which was being anywhere. He went missing, and turned up in rehab in the following days.
Lisa Robin Kelly, getting greedy, went again, with less press coverage this time.
And finally, Jason London. You should know about this because it only happened this week.
So that’s my theory. They’re part of a club and they’re trying to hit rock-bottom in the eye of the public so that their collective comeback will be all the more shocking!
… Or, maybe they’re just a bunch of insane drug addicts. Whatever.
Let’s add this to the already extensive list of bad decisions Jenelle Evans has made. I swear, if you wrote all her day-to-day poor choices on a scroll, when you unrolled it it would be like one of those classic scenes from any cartoon ever, where you drop one end and it just unravels until the room is full of paper. Does that make sense? I hope so, because I rarely read these posts back before publishing them because I’m hella cocky.
Anyway, let’s talk about all the reasons this is a horrifyingly bad thing to happen.
- Jenelle is a pot-smoking heroin addict who can’t stay clean even when faced with prison or after coming out of inpatient rehab.
- She is also bat-shit insane, as in, was held in the psych ward against her will a couple of months ago, and never takes her medication, as you can see on Teen Mom 2.
- She’s been ‘trying’ to get primary custody of her first son Jace back for what, like 2 years now, but has failed, because despite all the chances, all the opportunities she’s been handed over the years, she has yet to consider anyone but herself in any situation ever.
- Having another kid when you have lost custody of your first kid is kind of like when you lose your purse and have to buy another one.
- Like two seconds ago she told her husband on Twitter that they were broken up and that she was ‘SINGLE’. Yes, with the caps lock. They’ll break up, she’ll be upset about it and go back to shooting heroin, and Babs will have to take care of Jace and Baby #2, assuming Baby #2 survives the 9 months in Jenelle’s womb, which realistically may not happen.
