I’ve been procrastinating so hard today. I just spent 10 minutes trying to teach myself Eminem’s rap from RiRi’s ‘Numb’. It’s going okay, if you for some reason want to know.
15 The World According to Paris.
This show was such a hot mess and I loved basically every second of it. I don’t know if any of you remember, but when this show came out Paris was all like ‘this is going to be the show that shows who I really am and how I am with my family, friends and loved ones.’
As it turns out, Paris is exactly how she’s portrayed in the media. Vapid, whiny and bitchy, with terrible taste in men. The fact that she thought that this show was going to make her appear more likeable to the public is the best part. As a close second in the list of ‘best things about this show’ comes the revelation that is Brooke Mueller, who at the time was coming off a stint in rehab, and in one episode asks Paris: ‘Do you think it’s weird that my sober partner sleeps on the floor next to my bed?’ I am not kidding. I can’t find the clip but that’s probably pretty close to verbatim. Paris is basically like ‘What? He sleeps on your floor? Ew. Gross.’
Coming in third is Kathy Hilton, who is amazing and I love her. As the woman who raised Paris Hilton into the woman she is today, Kathy’s way less of a “cool mom” than you’d expect and actually comes off as a straight-talking no-nonsense kinda gal who is exasperated with her eldest daughter more than once throughout the show’s short run. She is one of the reasons I started watching The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, because I was hoping that the fact that her two sisters (Kyle and Kim) were starring in it would mean that we’d get to see Kathy fairly regularly. We don’t see her nearly as often as I’d like, unfortunately. What a disappointment.
14 Breaking Amish.
This show is fucked. I actually haven’t seen the whole first season of it but I caught enough of it in hotels last year during my road trip across the States to know that I’m into it. Basically, they get these Amish teenagers and then dump them in New York to run wild. I missed the finale but the ads for it showed Rebecca, the blonde girl, returning home, only to be shunned by her family. Like there’s this clip where her friends are literally running across a field to get away from her, and then it cuts to her sitting in what used to be her home (presumably her family moved or something) with her saying ‘I lost everything’. It’s crazy.
13 The X Factor USA
Because Britney. Also because Carly-Rose.
12 You’re Cut Off.
I miss this show, it’s like the epitome of trash TV. It’s like The Simple Life 2.0, with more rich bitches.
I like how you can look at this picture and still not grasp just how fucked up this show actually is. You see it and you’re like ‘Oh okay, so they’re a bit messy and disorganised and then they’ll get better.’ But then you watch the show and you realise why they used this as the cover, because the reality of the show is too gross to put on a DVD cover.
No one’s going to buy a DVD with cat skeletons, long-lost dentures and a kitchen piled ceiling-high with bags of the owner’s shit. Not shit like ‘oh there’s a lot of shit on my desk I need to move my nail polishes to get to my keyboard’. Actual shit. Like, you sleep in a hospital chair, shit into a plastic bag and then throw the bag behind you to join the rest of your BAGS AND BAGS OF SHIT. I love this show but it’s certainly not one to watch during dinner or when you want to calm down, because it’s one of the most infuriating shows that I continue to watch.
This bitch, Augustine, for example. I *hate* her. I watched this episode probably two years ago, and I still think about her and get irrationally angry at her sometimes because she is a horrible, ungrateful, unbearable cunt.
Also, here’s a video that I just stumbled across on YouTube, where this poor guy who was renting a house to a hoarder comes to check it out after she moves out, and, well… you can see for yourself how that turns out. I’d probably save this for later if you’re currently eating anything.
10 The Rachel Zoe Project.
I *DIE* this show is so entertaining. It’s *bananas*.
So from watching however many seasons of this show, here’s what I know about it. Rachel is an actual crazy person who speaks as though she recently suffered from a severe head trauma, but she has fierce taste and she works hard. Taylor is a cunt. Everything else is whatever.
09 Kathy Griffin’s My Life on the D-List.
I just love Kathy Griffin. I think she’s hilarious and although I haven’t kept up with the last few seasons, I think this show is great. They do a good job of balancing the funny with the serious side of the show and I hate Kathy’s ex Matt for what he did to her.
Firstly, can we just address the fact that Nev is hot and that TV shows are instantly made better when the cast is full of attractive people? Now, let’s ignore the intense hipster alarm that goes off in my head when I look at the photo and move right along to the next sentence. Catfish is on the receiving end of a lot of ‘this show is so fake!!11!!’ accusations, but honestly, I don’t even give a fuck because it is such good TV.
Here’s every episode, in a nutshell:
A person sends Nev an email like ‘blah blah blah I’m in a relationship online with such and such, we’re totes in love and we talk about getting married and everything is perfect except we’ve never met because of some flimsy reason but we are soul mates and you need to help us meet!’
Nev and his brother are all like ‘let’s go!’ and they go meet this sucker to hear their side of the story.
Next, Nev does some basic Internet detective work using Google, which generally involves putting the photos of the love interest into Google images and searching for any matches. There’s always a match, and it’s never the same person. It’s unsettling, and then they find out some other details that poke holes in the love interest’s story.
They go back to the sucker and tell them about their discoveries, and they’re like ‘I DON’T CARE I NEED TO MEET THEM BECAUSE WE ARE SOUL MATES AND I’M SURE THERE’S A REASONABLE EXPLANATION FOR ALL OF THIS.’
The whole crew and the sucker leg it to where ever the love interest is, they finally meet, and it is NEVER WHO THEY’RE EXPECTING, and it’s really
funny sad. Nah… it’s pretty funny.
It’s a great show, you should watch it.
07 Beyond Scared Straight.
Honestly, I could watch A&E reality shows all-day, everyday, and not get bored. This is the third A&E show (along with Storage Wars and Hoarders) to make the list and there’s still one to come next week (and I think we all know what that will be.).
This is my new favourite reality show, and a huge shout-out to Kathy Griffin for getting me on to this, sorry it overtook your own reality show in my favourites list. Here she is, perfectly summing up basically every episode of this show ever.
06 The Simple Life.
I’ve been re-watching this recently and I’d forgotten how much I loved it. Nicole Richie is awesome and hilarious and I love her. That time she gets angry at that douchebag in season 2 remains one of the most iconic verbal beatdowns ever, at least in my mind. I couldn’t find a proper video but here’s the audio, at least:
And, because I can’t talk about The Simple Life and not post this video:
Tune in next week for the top five!