Spoiler alert, Boyfriend is number one. Good morning, my dears. Can you believe there’s only 23 days left of 2012? This year has flown by, and now’s as good a time as any to take a look back on the year in (pop) music. The following is a list of my favourite songs of the year. What were your jams this year? Leave me a comment and let me know! Oh, and next week we’ll be looking back on the year in television, both scripted and reality. Get excited, 2013 is almost upon us.
25 National Anthem, Lana Del Rey.
24 Good Time, Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen.
23 Promises, Nero and Skrillex.
22 Earthquake, Labrinth ft Tinie Tempah.
21 Scream, Usher.
20 Call Me Maybe, Carly Rae Jepsen.
19 Sorry For Party Rocking, LMFAO.
18 Pound the Alarm, Nicki Minaj.
17 I Knew You Were Trouble, Taylor Swift.
16 Rack City, Tyga.
15. As Long As You Love Me, Justin Bieber ft Big Sean.
14 Starships, Nicki Minaj.
13 Throw Your Hands Up (Dancar Kuduro), Qwote ft Pitbull & Lucenzo.
12 Your Body, Christina Aguilera.
11 What Makes You Beautiful, One Direction.
10 Moves Like Jagger, Maroon 5 ft Christina Aguilera.
09 Bangarang, Skrillex ft Sirah.
08 Payphone, Maroon 5 ft Wiz Khalifa.
07 Scream & Shout, Will.i.am ft Britney Spears.
06 We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, Taylor Swift.
Before we start, go make yourself a coffee or a snack or something, because you know how these recap posts tend to go on. I’ll wait. Maybe take a quick toilet break, too. I’m just looking out for you, my lovely readers.
Okay, you’re all settled and comfy? Excellent. Let’s get started. Russell Brand hosted the 2012 MTV Movie Awards, and gave an opening speech that ripped into Hollywood with lines like:
And if after recent events you think it’s hypocritical of me to joke about [Justin Bieber] beating up a paparazzi, wait til you hear what I’ve got to say about short-lived celebrity marriages!
Kim took a lot of pressure off me with her world record quick marriage. Cheers, Kim.
I think of Kim Kardashian as the Stanley Kubrick of sex tapes; they’re always brilliant but she only does one a decade.
[On Kim making a new sex tape with Kanye] Don’t drink before the sex tape, Kanye! Learn the lessons of the VMAs; when you’re drunk you do have the propensity to pounce on unsuspecting girls, from the rear, with a bottle in your hand. Very good in an MTV show but could really ruin a sex tape.
Continuing my hypocritical attack of people for doing things that I’ve done much worse, Michael Fassbender, star of Shame… should be condemned for profiting from sex addiction. I did literally go to school with Michael Fassbender and I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t notice his huge, engorged talent, as I was too busy staring at his massive cock. I deliberately removed all erotic content from this monologue ‘coz he’s only there in the second row, look, and if I get him too aroused, I could lose an eye.
Do stay tuned for the new season of Teen Mom after the show, where pregnant women are laughed at. For money.
I know some of you are thinking this. The last time I did an MTV show I did end up marrying someone that was there. So tonight, I’m gonna keep my eyes peeled for my next wife.
Christian Bale choked back tears while remembering Heath Ledger, which you can watch over here. He, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Gary Oldham were there to promote The Dark Knight Rises, and they showed new footage of the film, which you can see over here. Sorry there’s not more I can embed for this post, I know it’s a bummer.
An audience member heckled Mila Kunis while she was presenting with Mark Wahlberg, and although you can’t hear what they said, you can see her get distracted and get her sass on a little before a displeased Mark Wahlberg says ‘And here I thought I was gonna have to slap Russell.’ Click here for the video.
And finally, here’s the list of all the winners of MTV Movie Awards for 2012:
BEST ONSCREEN DIRTBAG
Jennifer Aniston, Horrible Bosses
BEST BREAKTHROUGH PERFORMANCE
Shailene Woodley, The Descendants
BEST MALE PERFORMANCE
Josh Hutcherson, The Hunger Games
BEST FEMALE PERFORMANCE
Jennifer Lawrence, The Hunger Games
INSTANT CULT CLASSIC
LMFAO – “Party Rock Anthem,” 21 Jump Street
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, Breaking Dawn Pt. 1
MTV GENERATION AWARD
Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson vs. Alexander Ludwig, The Hunger Games
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Pt. 2– Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Tom Felton
Harry Potter, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Pt. 2
So the Billboard Awards were on the other day, and this is the recap. Let’s start at the beginning, on the red carpet.
Far East Movement.
There’s so much going on in this photo that I feel like I might go blind just to deal with it. You know how you can go to dollar stores like The Reject Shop or Cheap as Chips and find generic knock offs of things that are popular? One time my friend Nik and I were at the markets and found an action figure called ‘Spaderman.’ I’m not kidding, we laughed about it for approximately two hours after. Anyway, anecdote aside, that’s what these guys are to LMFAO. The Spaderman.
Cute dress. Shit shoes.
I’ve never heard of this basic bitch, but we’ve got enough wacky dressing pop stars in the biz at the moment.
Dee and Tommy Hilfiger.
Considering I saw NKOTBSB last night, these guys will never rate with me. You actually have no idea how many amazing, mind-blowing boy band moves I saw last night. I’d say that it was like being in a time capsule, but then you’d see their faces and be like ‘Maybe not. They’re definitely in their 40’s’. Point is, I’ve never seen so many fully grown, straight men wearing sparkles and diamantes in my life. Have you seen Saw 2? You know Donnie Wahlberg, the cop (and Mark Wahlberg’s older brother?)? Picture him in Saw 2, now picture him ripping his wifebeater off while wearing a sparkly fedora. It was actually the most fantastic, hilarious night of my life. My point is, if you’re in a boy band you should be dressed accordingly.
There should be a rule like ‘if you haven’t released an album in 5 fucking years you can’t come to any awards shows anymore because you’re officially irrelevant.’
Reminds me of this:
It’s like she borrowed the tux, managed to get the jacket on the right way round, but got confused and forgot the pants.
This has got to be as close to a real life Disney Princess dress that you can get, right? It looks like she’s wearing a cloud. I don’t know whether I mean that in a good way or not.
Hahahaha. I just love them, you guys.
I’m not a huge fan of her hair, but I love love love the dress.
Post-divorce Katy is an interesting creature, isn’t she? Does she think she’s a goth now? Is this her ‘dark’ period? I don’t know what’s going on with her.
I kind of love everything about this. Usher’s fierce.
The pose is making me laugh. It’s heaps better than Jolie’s leg at the Oscars.
Oh, my other favourite thing that boy bands do is pretend like they’re bad boys by wearing ‘urban’ ‘street’ clothes. JB does it well. Good on him, he knows what the ladies like.
Well, let’s just say it. That dress is too small to hold your titties in, Amber… I bet she can barely breathe.
I don’t even…
I’m always surprised when I see him around the place (and when I say that, what I mean is ‘here and that time he was on The Voice). Is he still famous and no one told me? What’s going on? The last (and only) song of his that I know is the ‘baby guuuurl, you da shit, that makes you mah equivalent’ song that’s set to that disco version of Beethoven that’s on the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack. If that doesn’t make sense to you, here’s the video:
See what I mean?
Chrissy Teigen and John Legend.
I’m mad at John Legend right now because of this:
You know what’s interesting? When basic bitches like John Legend hate on superstars because they’re upset that Britney rejected the songs he produced for her.
Lisa Marie Presley.
Looks like there might be a nice dress under the jacket. What a shame.
Moving on to the performances. Linkin Park performed Burn It Down, the lead single from their upcoming album:
The Wanted performed a medley of Chasing the Sun and Glad You Came, and I’ve finally realised I know the song Glad You Came.
Apparently Nelly Furtado performed, which probably means I should change that part up there about her being irrelevant, but *sigh* it’s alllll the way up there, so I’m just going to leave it.
After watching the performance, I’m definitely going to leave it the way it is. This performance is a hot mess. I’m actually sitting here wondering where to begin. The ridiculous LMFAO glasses? The fact that she’s decided to try her hand at Nicki Minaj’s career? The fact that it’s a really shit song? I don’t even know, but she should probably call Timbaland up and ask him to help her out if she wants to make an actual comeback.
John Legend and Jordin Sparks performed a tribute to Whitney Houston:
Carrie Underwood performed Blown Away:
I don’t think I’ve ever seen her perform before, but she’s actually got a really good voice. Good on her.
Kelly Clarkson performed Dark Side:
I’m not the hugest fan of the song but the performance is pretty.
Carly Rae Jepsen performed Call Me Maybe:
My first thoughts were ‘oh, this is cute,’ and ‘she looks like a brunette Taylor Swift.’ But as the performance went on, I started wondering when it became acceptable to wear sneakers onstage and not do choreography. If you’re dancing, fine, wear whatever footwear makes you dance so I don’t look at your feet. But if you’re just bopping around on the stage, I’ve got time to take in your outfit, and if that’s the case, your whole ensemble should be the fiercest shit I’ve ever seen. It’s okay, though, because there’s plenty of choreo coming up.
Usher performed Scream and did a pretty fantastic job:
Chris Brown performed Turn Up the Music:
My hatred for him aside, I think Breezy’s a really good dancer, but I think Usher does a far better job of balancing singing to playback with dancing.
LMFAO were probably my favourite performance of the night, performing a medley of Party Rock Anthem, Sorry for Party Rocking and Sexy and I Know It, if only because when they brought out the people in the Zebra suit I lost my shit for a good minute:
Katy Perry performed Wide Awake, and showed everyone the benefits of playback, because let’s be real, she sounds like she’s terrified of heights, and her voice basically breaks through the whole thing. It’s a shame, because it’s a pretty show that’s ruined by the fact that I can’t even understand what she’s saying half the time.
And finally, Justin Bieber performed my favourite song of the moment, Boyfriend.
This, to me, is a pretty perfect pop performance. Playback when it’s needed, live when it’s needed, a dance break, plenty of crowd interaction and heaps of choreography. Katy Perry should take notes and stop playing the ‘it doesn’t matter if I sound bad, at least I’m singing live’ card, because it sucks.
And finally, here’s the list of winners from the night:
TOP NEW ARTIST
WOMAN OF THE YEAR
HOT 100 SONG OF THE YEAR
“Party Rock Anthem” (LMFAO)
TOP MALE ARTIST
R&B ARTIST OF THE YEAR
Whitney Houston (accepted by Bobbi Kristina Brown)
That photo up there is from TMZ, who were there to capture the moment that woman served RedFoo with a 7 million dollar lawsuit. The band’s former management company are suing LMFAO for breach of contract, basically being all ‘y’all are famous ‘coz of us, we did all this and then you ditched us WTF?!’
I love this photo. Partially because I think RedFoo is sexy, and partially because it’s always refreshing to see photos of celebrities who haven’t been beaten down by fame and are all pissy anytime there’s paparazzi around. The whole reason I like LMFAO is because they’re fun, and they crack me up, and this is just an extension of that, because I can tell you right now there wouldn’t be enough swear words in the world if there were paparazzi around when I just found out I was being sued for 7 million. I would legitimately have a Mel Gibson, cavewoman style, screamfest.
So there was a ton of backlash about them collaborating together, because, well, if someone tries to kill you and basically leaves you for dead in the middle of suburbia, you should probably just move the fuck on from them.
Seriously, I mean, how strange would the ending of Scream been if at the end Neve was like ‘oh hey Ghostface, you’re try’na kill me? Let’s record a song together.’
There’s a reason that didn’t happen, being that Kevin Williamson is not batshit insane.
Anyway, she called into Ryan Seacrest, and regurgitated the words her publicist shoved in her mouth:
I reached out to him about doing Birthday Cake because [he was] the only person that really made sense to do the record, just as a musician despite everything else [he] was going to be the person.
You know, I thought about rappers, and I’ve done that so many times, [but] the hottest R&B artist out right now is Chris Brown. So I wanted him on the track.
We did two records. One for my fans. One for his fans. And that way, our fans can come together. There shouldn’t be a divide.
Let’s run through this. Now, I think we’ve already established that it does not ‘make sense’ to collaborate with the guy who smashed your face into a window repeatedly, tried to push you out of a moving vehicle, bit your ears and fingers and split your lip almost to the bone, so hey, let’s just breeze (no pun intended) right past that.
He’s the hottest R&B artist? Bleh. Who cares? Here’s a bunch of dudes I would’ve preferred that would’ve made the song sexy, as opposed to sickening:
I get that she’s already worked with three of them (Drake, JT and Adam Levine) but there’s no reason why she can’t work with them again. It’s not like they beat her up while they were working together.
I swear, you guys, every time I complain that none of my faves are doing anything interesting, it’s like they hear me and do something especially so I can blog about them. Except spoiler alert, at the end of this blog post, Paris Hilton won’t make me feel a little bit sick like Rihanna did. Well, no more than usual, at any rate.
SO! Paris Hilton’s new song/video/single, I guess, hit the web yesterday, and let me be the first/second, thousandth to tell you that it is not good. Not at all. That being said, it’s fucking hilaaaaaarious, and therefore, it’ll probably be my favourite song tomorrow, because entertainment comes way before actual talent in my list of priorities in life. That’s why I’m legitimately fucking excited to hear her collaboration with LMFAO, which you can read all about here.
It’s called Drunk Text, and I’m just going to let you watch as much of it as you can handle before we move on. Of course, all the YouTube links have been taken down, so you probably need to do yourself a favour and
Okay, so first up, let’s address the fact that it’s a cover. A cover of a song that was released last October, by the same dudes, Manufactured Superstars, which may make this the most appropriate collaboration of all time. Or at least since Eminem and Rihanna.
Here’s the original song; it’s pretty much the exact same thing:
Okay, so here’s the thing. I actually think Paris did a fantastic job of making it sound exactly like Paris Hilton. That sounds retarded, but what I mean is, if you’ve ever seen a fantastic little reality show called The World According to Paris, which was supposed to be the show where you see the side of Paris that she keeps private, but it turns out there isn’t one, and she’s exactly how you expect her to be/perhaps even more so. But this is exactly how she talks, and this ‘story’ that she’s telling me in the beautiful narrative of this song, I’m not even kidding, is exactly the type of dumbass situation she’s constantly getting herself into throughout the show’s run, which kind of makes it great, if you really think about it.
Also, as a side note to this, you should absolutely watch The World According to Paris, if only for Kathy Hilton (who I’m obsessed with to a point where it’s weird) and Brooke Mueller, who asks in all seriousness whether Paris thinks it’s weird that her sponsor sleeps on the floor next to her bed. All the links look like they’ve disappeared from YouTube, so I can’t show it to you right now, but have a search, because it’s amazing.
Let’s get back on track. Okay, so this is the first thing that I thought of when I heard it:
‘Are you as hot in the bedroom as you are on the dancefloor? Oh, really?’
And in turn, Wayne G made me think of Party Monster:
Basically what I’m saying is that Paris, intentionally or not, has released a song that only reminds me of club kid drug anthems from the 90’s. I get that Party Monster was released in ’03, but it’s set in the 90’s, so you know where I’m at.
That’s all I really have to say about it. Good on her. No matter what Paris does I’ll still like her more than all the Kardashians combined. I don’t know why, I just do. It’s Kathy, Kathy Hilton’s a big part of it.
And to celebrate her new single, let’s take a look back at her last musical outings, shall we?
Okay, so unless you’ve been rocking it Amish style lately, you know that a) The Superbowl was on today and B) Madonna performed at the half-time show. If you haven’t already seen the video, consider it required viewing, and get it sorted.
I’m basically going to run through it play by play for you:
Okay, so she starts out with Vogue, everything is gold, and she basically walks like an Egyptian through it. It’s amazing. Before you ask, I don’t give a fuck that the whole thing is pre-recorded (and obviously so). It looks fantastic and it blew my mind. Besides, I’m a Britney fan, what do I care about miming? Speaking of Britney (and I often am), did the whole Vogue part remind anyone else of this, but with, um, actual choreography:
Props to my girl for singing live for basically the first time ever during this tour though. Bless her heart.
Now, before you Madonna fans put your pissypants on, I’m not saying anything about anyone copying anyone. That’s just what came to mind when I saw all the gold, and the harps.
Anyway, the choreography for Vogue was nothing short of incredible, and Madge nailed it.
Vogue fades into Music, at which point the choreography kind of gives way to a whole bunch of slut drops, fist pumps and titty shakes, and she also comes close to falling off the bleachers. God, I wish Ali G had been there to say ‘Is you Madonna?!’ but we can’t have everything. Instead, we have a couple of cartwheels that are… odd. Cool, but definitely odd.
After that, we have this strange angel, I guess, who jumps around on a tightrope for a bit while Madonna slut drops some more. If for some reason you’re unfamiliar with the term ‘slut drop’, here are the girls from Geordie Shore to explain it to you:
Next up is Madonna’s first guest, my boys LMFAO, who look truly spectacular, as always. I literally got so excited to see them on stage with Madonna, I’m not kidding, and my excitement shot to near ‘Kristen Bell with a sloth’ levels when I saw Madonna do the Party Rock Anthem shuffle with them. I basically just grinned at my computer like a lunatic the entire time.
And then it gets weird. Party Rock Anthem segues into Sexy and I Know It, and Madonna gets down on the floor, Red Foo grabs one of her legs, and she dry humps the air. To say that it’s totally awkward is a huge understatement. It went from being amazing and fun to bizarre in like 5 seconds.
It doesn’t last long, and next up is Give Me All Your Luvin’. It’s the first time I’ve heard it, to be honest, but I did read that Avril’s having a hissy fit because she thinks she’s the first person ever to write a song with a cheerleader beat, and thinks Madonna is ripping off Girlfriend. Apparently she’s never heard Hey Mickey. Whatever.
Anyway, M.I.A and Nicki Minaj are both there to do their raps, they look fierce, M.I.A flips off the audience for literally one second and NBC has to apologise. M.I.A also uses the word ‘bionic’ in her rap, which makes me laugh because she worked with Xtina on Bionic and basically hated it because Christina refused to use the amazing voice she has, and well, look how well that turned out for her.
Cee Lo Green brings out a giant marching band, which is cool (and OMG I only found out the other day that he’s Gnarls Barkley. I can’t even with that.) but they give way almost instantaneously to an even bigger choir for the finale, which is Like A Prayer. It’s spectacular. I got really excited and perhaps a little too emotionally invested looking at the choir. How mindblowing would it be to be on stage at the Superbowl, singing with Madonna? Mental.
Cee Lo basically just hums along and does harmonies, probably out of fear that if he does any more than that Madonna fans will crucify him the way John Lennon’s fans did for changing the religion line in Imagine from ‘and no religion too,’ to ‘and all religion’s true’, while wearing a massive fur coat, dripping in bling.
Madonna seems to have changed, and I don’t know when or how, since I’ve been staring at the screen. She gets down on the ground to show how into it she is, and looks like she’s worshipping Cee Lo, who, by the way, looks like a giant disco ball. A blind disco ball, at that, since he’s wearing sunglasses when there’s no need for them.
The stage opens her up and swallows her whole, leaving behind her message of world peace, which, let’s be honest, doesn’t mean a goddamn thing in the post-Miss Congeniality age that we live in.
It’s everybody’s favourite second favourite (to LiLo, who totally stole her thunder even though she did way less time) jailbird, the one, the only, Misssssssssss Paaaaaaaaaariiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssss Hilton!
Are you excited because fuck knows I am.
The good news keeps coming. (As a disclaimer, this post is irony and sarcasm free, for your enjoyment. I’m entirely excited for the world to have more over-produced pop music.) For her first single, which should be out within the next few months, she’s collaborating with the sexy-and-they-know-it duo LMFAO. Wigglewigglewigglewiggle, yeah, yeah.
Paris, who said this about her first album:
I, like, cry, when I listen to it, it’s so good
had this to say about her new album:
It’s completely different from my last album. I’m going with a whole new genre. I have Afrojack executive-producing the entire album. So we’ve just been coming up with the most incredible tracks. I’m so excited. The music’s turning out so great and I can’t wait to release it this summer.
Two nights ago [I recorded the song with LMFAO]. I’ve known them since I was a little girl. We grew up together ’cause our parents are friends, so I’m just so proud of them and all their success and what they’ve done ’cause they’ve just created this whole ‘Party Rock’ brand and it’s just so awesome.
I think a lot of people don’t know that music is my passion since I was a little girl, I’m very musically talented. This is more my thing [musically on this album], more of a club scene, more dance.
Now, onto LMFAO. I love them. I love that they’re the son and nephew (or some shit, I don’t know. They’re related, anyway) to Barry Gordy, one of the dudes responsible for Motown, and instead of doing anything remotely resembling music with a soul, they chose to party rock. It makes me laugh, and I love it. I love their stupid ass songs, I think their beats are sick, and it’s just fun. Anyone who’s ever met me knows that I can go from hating a song to loving it in about 3.5 minutes if I decide that I think it’s funny, and that’s what happened here. One minute I was all ‘what the fuck is this shit?’ and the next I was all ‘animal print pants, man, outta controoool.’ But enough about them.
To celebrate Paris Hilton’s sure-to-be-triumphant return to the music scene, let’s take a little walk down memory lane, to one of my favourite celebrity quotes of aaaaaaaaaaaaall. Time.
Do you guys remember when Paris forgot to pay the fee for her storage unit, and some dudes bought the contents for like 200 bucks and charged people to watch it? Fuck, those were the days. Anyway, this is the definitive celebrity quote for all celebrities to avoid/aspire to:
I like, cry, when I watch this, it’s so good.
If you’d like to see Paris’ tits after she says something like ‘We’re gonna get so coked up we’ll have no idea… ‘ then this is the long, narcissistic video for you:
I’m also pretty sure she says something like ‘hooker fucker’ to one of her friends.
And to show you that rich people have real problems, here’s the beginnings of a catfight:
But remember, you guys, even though she’s naked in like 90% of the videos that were found in that storage unit, with a bunch of different guys, she’s “only had sex with two people,” being Rick, co-star of One Night In Paris and ex-hubby to Shannen Doherty, and that guy she was engaged to. Paris Latsis? Yeah. Him.
I actually can’t wait until Paris makes her comeback, maybe she’ll bring some celebrity drama with her so I’ll have something to rant about.
Oh, and one last thing. If you’d like to read the ridiculous love notes between Paris and Nick Carter, before they broke up (because he beat the shit out of her) click here.