My loves, it’s been a slowish week, hasn’t it? Well, actually, it’s been a slowish week for things that I actually give a shit about, that’s probably a more accurate way of describing it. I’m sure Kimye are up to something. Also, when I first heard ‘Kimye’ I actually thought that they were talking about Gotye and Kimbra, because a) that makes sense, kinda, and b) Kim Kardashian and I have as little to do with each other as possible.
I meant to have this post up forever ago, too, but then I woke up late and went to get my hair done instead. This is the part where I shamelessly self-promote my instagram. Go on, follow me.
That’s enough of an intro, so let’s get to it. Here’s the trailer for Taken 2:
Soooo, I kind of love Taken. Like, a lot. Generally speaking, I really don’t like action films, so here’s how I’ve come to enjoy Taken: It’s not one of those action movies that tries to be something it’s not. If I’m going to watch an action film, I don’t want to be thinking or feeling much of anything. Just blow shit up and I’m cool. Iron Man 2 sucked for me because I was there for mindless action and got a two hour film about Bobby Downey Jr crying over his daddy issues. Taken’s got all the intelligence of a JCVD/Seagal film, but with a real life actor. I’m cool with that. Add to that the fact that I’ll basically watch anything about sex crimes or sex trafficking/slavery, and you can see why I enjoyed it. ‘Coz I’m a huge weirdo.
This is the part of the blog where I’m going to list my favourite films/shows about sex trafficking. If you’re young and reading this, maybe don’t watch these because I don’t want to be responsible for fucking you up. That’s why I don’t have kids, you know? On the other hand, maybe your parents should be better at supervising your net usage. Whatevs. Do what you want. I’m just saying, this list isn’t for the easily upset.
Also, on the list, it’s a short one, because there aren’t a ton of productions about Eastern European sex trafficking, that I’m aware of, at least. If you’ve seen more, let me know.
03 Sex Traffic.
Now, that’s not the trailer, that’s just the start of a mini-series. But it’s a great miniseries. I actually haven’t seen it in awhile so I don’t have a lot more to say about it, but you should watch it.
02 Lilya 4-Ever.
This film made me seriously depressed for about a fortnight after I saw it. It’s a fantastic film, but holy shit.
Or, watch the whole film with English subtitles below if you’ve got nearly two hours to hang out and watch a film. It’s worth your time.
This fucked with my shit. Also, I tend to watch tv while I’m doing other things and just kind of listen to the show and glance back and forth, and I had to learn the hard way more than once that I don’t speak Danish or any of the other multitude of languages in this show. Seriously, it’d be like 3 minutes before I’d realise that I didn’t understand a single thing that was going on in the show because I wasn’t reading the subtitles. But the show is incredible and you should watch it:
Also, I’m going to throw it out there that I’ve been looking for a charity that works to stop sex trafficking for awhile but I’m really bad at picking good charities, so if you know of any let me know. Oh! One time at work I said that I was ‘looking for a charity to help sex slaves’ and this girl I was working with at the time was like ‘wait, for sex slaves?!’ as though I was looking for a charity for the promotion of sex slavery. She was dead serious and the whole situation was totally bizarre. Apparently she wasn’t sure because ‘I’m always so sarcastic.’ What even? I never considered sarcasm and modern day slavery to be on the same level… but okay. Just so you guys are aware, if you’re sarcastic, you may also have to be explicitly clear on your views about sex trafficking.
Anyway, let’s get back to Taken 2. When I head they were doing a sequel I was a bit like ‘what else could possibly happen to provide a plot for a sequel?’ It seriously never occurred to me that all those Armenians would probably want revenge. Or maybe it just didn’t occur to me that there’d be any left after the first one.
My favourite thing about it is that it’s called Taken 2, and they take two people in this one. You see what they did there? Heaps good. Apart from that it just looks like it’s going to ‘Hangover’, as in, be the exact same film as the first one with one minor difference. In Hangover 2 it was the location, in Taken, they’ll take two. Cool. Whatever, though. I’m still going to watch it, what about you?
So, I only watched this trailer because my buddy Benji is in love with Anna Kendrick, so I thought I could tell him about it. Turns out, I reeeeeeeeeeaally want to see this.
I’m loving everything that’s going on here. It’s like Bring It On, but with a side of Smash (because I don’t watch Glee unless my girl Britters is on it.). It’s like Raise Your Voice, but without all the weird flashbacks to her dead brother.
It’s got Rebel Wilson in it. I love her. She stole every scene she has in Bridesmaids, and that’s saying a lot when you consider that I also love Kristen Wiig and think Matt Lucas is great too.
That photo is probably the fiercest shit I’ve ever seen, just saying. I definitely thought it was the coolest thing when I first saw it in Dolly magazine about a million years ago.
Okay, so this turned out to be a tricky list to compile. I wanted to do a list of my favourite horror films, but then there were too many and I didn’t want to sit here for the rest of the day. I promised myself I’d limit it to 10 this time. So I thought ‘what about just slashers?’ but then I realised that with all the sequels it’d still be a really long list, especially if I counted all the classics. So basically, this is how I worked it out. This is a list of my favourite teen horror films, and when I say ‘teen horror films’, I mostly mean slashers, and when I say ‘teen horror’ I mean, I was a teenager when I saw them. Hey, it’s my blog, right? I’ll make whatever rules I want. Oh, and because I didn’t want to have the list clogged up by sequels, each movie is just representing it’s entire franchise… unless I say otherwise.
Longest introduction ever, let’s get to it and you’ll see what I mean as we go along.
10 The Rage – Carrie 2.
You’re probably thinking ‘what the fuck, what a shit way to start the list’, but hear me out. This film has massive sentimental value for me. The original Carrie film was the first R rated film my parents let me watch (although my dad watched it with me and fast forwarded through the scene where the girl goes down on John Travolta) and I loved the shit out of it. This sequel was the first MA rated film I saw at the cinema. I was 14 and because you had to be 15 to get in, my dad had to come with me and my friend (and then not sit with us because I was a snotty little bitch who would not be mortified by her parents sitting with her in a dark room). I loved it, and after watching it again recently, I still really like it. I love how 90’s it is. 90’s goth girls and their freaky black nail polish and tattoos. Jason London and that guy off Home Improvement. The girl off Jawbreaker and Rachel Blanchard (or as I think of her, ‘TV Cher’). The line ‘I kleptoed it for you.’ The fact that Amy Irving is in it and looks like she’s barely aged since the first one. I love everything about it.
09 Wrong Turn.
This one makes the cut mostly because I love Eliza Dushku and Jeremy Sisto. Also anything that has a remote town/woods/inbred hicks, they’re all good for scares. It’s been ages since I last watched this so that’s pretty much all I have to say about it, but I have fond memories of it so it makes the list.
08 The Blair Witch Project.
I almost didn’t put this in the list because it’s not technically a slasher, and that’s the only reason it’s so low on my list. This movie scared the absolute shit out of me when I saw it. Aside from the fact that it spawned an entire new genre of found-footage horror films that’s still going strong today (Paranormal Activity I’m looking at you and your boring shit about people sleeping.), it’s also considered one of the most successful social media campaigns of all time. It’s also one of the most profitable films of all time. Basically, what I’m saying is that this film was a game changer for the horror industry and even thought it’s been spoofed to death since then, it was truly remarkable at the time.
First things first, I like that despite all the horror surrounding them, the cast shows solidarity by all wearing the same shade of lipstick on the cover. That’s legitimately all I see when I look at the poster for this film.
The original film is cool and has some good scares in it, and looking at the cast now makes me feel all nostalgic, much like the cast of Carrie 2.
I haven’t seen the fifth one yet, but honestly, this is one of those series’ that just gets more ridiculous with every instalment. Not necessarily a bad thing, but after four films I’m a bit like ‘okay, cool. I get the point.’ But they’re fun if you want to watch mindless death scenes one after the other and not give a shit about any of the characters because you know they’re all just going to end up dead anyway.
Nonetheless, the death scenes in the FD series are nothing short of spectacular in terms of violence and blood splatter. My favourite is the opening car crash scene from the second film:
Seriously, it just keeps going, doesn’t it? Also, A.J Cook is my girl and I’m just going to take this moment to rep my love for Virgin Suicides and Criminal Minds.
06 House of Wax.
Hellooooooooo, Chad Michael Murray. You know what that is? Good script writing. A-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah take your shirt off, CMM. But really, though. I love the shit out of this movie, and no, not because I wanted to see Paris Hilton die, which is the reason most people give for watching this film. Rather, because I went into it thinking ‘how scary can a film with Paris Hilton in it be?’ and it turns out the answer is ‘really fucking scary.’ You might be laughing at me, but I don’t give a shit, this film traumatised me a little (even though I went back and saw it again at the cinema after the first time.).
The cast is sexy, which is important in a teen slasher. It’s got the remote town/woods/creepy motherfuckers who aren’t normal people thing going on, which is great. It’s not torture porn like all the shit that gets released now, but the violence in the film is (for me) terrifying:
Of course, if you just want to see Paris Hilton die, here you go:
05 Halloween H20.
Obviously I love the whole series; it’s iconic, and has one of those scores that when you hear the music, you know what’s up. Shit’s about to go down. But if this one was to represent the whole series I wouldn’t be sure where to place it on this list because the original is so good and the sequels… aren’t. Halloween H20 is an exception to the bad Halloween sequels, though. Oh, and Rob Zombie can fuck RIGHT off with his abomination of a remake. But we’re not here to talk about that.
Oh, I just love this movie. I love that Janet Leigh is in it, I love Joseph Gordon-Levitt, I love Michelle Williams, and if you like horror movies and don’t show respect to the SCREAM QUEEN herself, Miss Jamie Lee Curtis, you’re fucked.
Here’s the theme song, clearly the best horror theme of all time, and I’ll fight you if you disagree with me.
04 Urban Legend.
This is one of those films that shamelessly rode Scream’s self-aware teen slasher coattails, but I don’t even give a fuck because I love this film and it’s got some scary ass scenes in it. I’m not going to lie to you, I watched this when I was 13, maybe? Anyway, I’m 26 now and I still check the backseat before getting into a car. That’s how much this movie fucked me up. Urban Legends are terrifying. Oh! And college-set horror films? Love them. Oh, and this entry absolutely doesn’t represent the shitty straight to video franchise that followed it (although I do have a soft spot for the atrocity that is Urban Legend – Final Cut).
Speaking of things that are fucked up, can we just talk about this cast for a second? Because okay, this might be the most trainwrecky cast on the list. We have Tara Reid, enough said (although I kind of love her in this movie, she’s all sassy and fierce) but she’s just the tip of the fucking iceberg, because we also have Jared ‘I used to break into people’s homes and sit in their living rooms‘ Leto and Rebecca ‘remember that time I killed a kid‘ Gayheart. Seriously. That’s a whole lot of fucked shit for one cast. But regardless, I love this movie.
I love that Robert Englund (if you don’t know why he’s important then I’m not going to tell you.) is in it. I love that Danielle Harris (she’s Halloween alum) is in it, again, with the 90’s depiction of goth girls. I think that Jared Leto is a babe in it (although I wouldn’t now, because he’s a huge freak in real life.).
03 The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
I love this remake a whole lot. Don’t get me wrong, because I also love the original, but for this post, I’m just talking about this film, and not The Beginning or any of that other bullshit. This film rules. First up, let me just say that I haven’t seen this in forever, so my thoughts are based off the trailer and my memory.
In no particular order, this is why this is number 3 on my list:
I have a soft spot for Eric Balfour, or, as I like to think of him, Jesse from Buffy. Third Buffy reference of the day. Don’t hate.
I don’t really like Jessica Biel but she’s hella fierce in this movie.
The whole hick-town thing. Inbreds again and whatnot.
Everything about how thoroughly fucked that hitchhiker is, with particular reference to that gun. You know what I’m on about.
That little fucker from The Ring being just as creepy in this:
The hilariously gratuitous shots of Jessica Biel’s ass, and creepiest ass grab ever:
I got my ass grabbed by a customer in a wheelchair earlier this year and I’m not going to lie, that scene was the very first thing that came into my mind.
Now, I know this is Michael Bay, so the flashiness of this film is kind of built in, but I think it does a pretty good job of maintaining the creepy, grimy feel of the original, even if it’s not quite as unsettling. Maybe that’s just me, but I love it.
02 I Know What You Did Last Summer.
I’m pretty sure this was the first horror movie I watched. I was 12 and I fiiiiiiinally convinced my dad to let me watch it (strict parents, my mum hates horror films and doesn’t understand why anyone would want to watch them, but my dad liked horror films and was way easier to crack, so I’d make him take me to the video store and then talk him into it away from mum, and then she’d get pissed when I’d come home with horror movies. Again, I was a nasty, manipulative little thing.). Anyway, I looooooooved this movie. I loved the whole cast. I had a crush on Ryan, although when I found a bunch of posters from my tween years the evidence states that I had a big, LEEESSSSSSSSBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAANNNNN crush on SMG, although really that was more because of Buffy.
That’s a great gif.
Anyway. I was obsessed with this film, but after watching it like eight times, it hit me how profoundly fucked it is when SMG gets all her hair cut off. The first few times I was like ‘big whoop, it’s just hair.’ But something happened when I was watching it for the eighth time. I realised that it’s not so creepy that he cuts off her hair, but that he hides in her fucking closet all night.
That is some scary shit, and upon realising just how scary it was, and combining that with the fact that I had big ass cupboards in my bedroom at the time, well, let’s just say that maybe I should rename this post PCP’s Favourite – Traumatising film experiences, because I definitely checked my cupboards for murderers every night before bed for like three years afterwards. I’m not kidding. And no, I don’t know what my game plan was if I happened to find a murderer in the closet, but it didn’t stop me checking.
Aside from that, though this one’s got a lot of other great shit going on in it. The small fishing town is a great setting, Ryan’s such a douchebag in it, but goddamn, he looks fine:
It’s got this great song in it, which if you’re a huge nerd like I am, you’ll also remember from Daria as ‘that song that’s playing on the bus when Daria and Jane go to that shark museum in the paintball episode.’ Yeah. My memory for inane, useless trivia is something to be reckoned with:
And I can’t talk about this film without mentioning the best line in the film, which is obviously this one:
‘What are you waiting for, huh?! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!’
The most depressing thing about this film, for me, though, is that Johnny Galecki is more successful than all the main players in this movie now, because of Big Bang Theory:
I’m not okay with that, and you shouldn’t be either.
Touching on the sequel/s, this post represents the first and second film, but not the third. I want no part of that one, but I Still Know… is great. Brandy’s great, Jennifer Esposito is great. I learnt that Brasilia is the capital of Brazil, not Rio. Freddie Prinze Jr. can’t act but it’s okay. I’d forgotten that Jack Black was in it until I read this hilarious recap of the film. Oh! And it’s got JL Hewitt’s song How Do I Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeal in it, which I love a whole lot, especially when I pretend that her character Julie James is singing it to Ben Willis:
OMG, that velvet and fake fur coat. I can’t even. Actually, pretty much every aspect of this video makes me incredibly nostalgic. Hair, make up, clothes, setting. It’s all working for me, and I definitely have the single:
Ah, where do I even start? I seriously have so much love for this entire quadrilogy that I don’t really know how to put it into words.
You guys know about my love for Courteney and David, so I can just skip right over that. Here’s a list of everything else that I love about it:
Rose McGowan. Fiercest bitch alive. Love, love, love her.
Jamie Kennedy. Randy is the bomb.
Matthew Lillard. ‘My mom and dad are going to be so mad at me!’ and ‘Peer pressure, I’m far too sensitive.’ Stu probably has the two best lines in the film.
Oh, no. Wait. The best line in the film is obviously ‘Because I wanna know who I’m looking at.’ Fuck. That. I think I almost had a heart attack when I was watching it for the first time.
Other great lines, off the top of my head:
‘Corn syrup. Same thing they used for pig’s blood in Carrie.’
‘We all go a little mad sometimes. Anthony Perkins, ‘Psycho”
‘You hang up on me again and I’ll gut you like a fish, you understand?’
‘As if. Oh, really, Alicia?’
I could go on, but you should really just watch the movie again.
Scream is one of those films that I love so much that I hope that I get Alzheimer’s when I’m old because I want to watch it for the first time again. I’m not even kidding, I think about that all the time. I’d also like someone to show me Titanic for the first time again. Obviouslyyyyyyy.
Oh! Tatum’s pyjamas. I wanted them so bad:
‘Bam! Sid! Super bitch!’
Every single film reference that’s in this film. Kevin Williamson, you’re my boy. Also Wes Craven. Oh! Wes Craven dressed as Freddy Krueger. Fantastic.
I really can’t speak highly enough of this franchise. I’m not exaggerating when I say that it was a huge, huge part of my teenage years and I give it most of the credit for the 90’s horror industry reboot.
Red Right Hand:
When people talk about Nick Cave, I tune out because I’m busy watching Scream in my head.
As for the other three films, let’s just run through best scene and best line, because otherwise we’ll be here all day.
The best scene has gotta Gale’s chase scene:
And the best line is probably Gale’s as well:
‘Look, local woman! I know you hold me up as your career template and that it gives you some sort of charge to challenge me, but give it a rest.’
I live for bitchy Gale.
The best scene for me is Randy’s video, because I’m pretty sure I was so excited to see him in the third one that I may have teared up a little. I know, emotional involvement with fictional characters like this can’t be healthy, but it’s whatever.
Okay, I’m cheating for best line, because I have two that I love.
The first is Jennifer’s explosion of ‘You’re obsessed with her, and you’re obsessed, WITH HER DAUGHTER!’ because Parker Posey slays me with anything she does. The second is the ‘threat’ exchange that’s in the trailer.
And, finally, Scream 4:
The best scene has gotta be Kirby’s phone call, especially because of the two major throwbacks to the original film, being the horror movie quiz and the ‘there’s always some stupid bullshit reason to kill your girlfriend’ or, in this case, your crush.
Best line? Obviously ‘I’m gonna slit your eyelids in half so that you can’t blink when I stab you in the face,’ because Holy. Fuck. Ghostface version 4.0 is a brutal motherfucker.
And that about wraps things up. One last question, though…
Is it just me, or does this film have all the same basic elements of the Paranormal Activity series?
- Home movies
- The dad getting all ‘oooooh’ about the house and the paranormal shit that’s going down in the house.
- The kid befriending evil in the house.
The things that I’m liking about it? Well, I like that Detective Goren’s (Vincent D’Onofrio) in it, basically being Goren and knowing all the shit. Maybe his character will be less annoying without that useless blonde bitch standing next to him being like ‘wait, what’s going on? Are we at a crime scene because I’m too stupid to figure anything out for myself’.
Also, is it just me or does the evil dude in this kind of look like Samara from The Ring mixed with the first slayer from Buffy?
‘Death is my gift?!’
Anyway, I can’t say I’m too excited to go see this. I’m not the hugest fan of the PA films though, so watching them rip off their own idea doesn’t sound like a great time to me, but what about you? Do you love the Paranormal Activity trilogy? Does this look like something you want to go see? Have you seen Insidious because I haven’t and now I’m wondering if that’s a carbon copy of Paranormal Activity, too.
Soooooooooooo, awhile back I posted a blog about the Teen Choice Award nominees, and who my picks were. Apparently there are two rounds of nominations, because a whole bunch of other nominations were released today. Does that make sense to you, because I totally don’t get it. It’s not like they release two different lots of Oscar nominations. Okay, well, I guess they do the technical ones… but they’re a whole different night that no one cares about. These are just more nominations for the same night. Ugh, whatever. Anyway, same deal, I’m going to list the nominations any second now, and the ones in bold will be the ones that I’d like to win. Let’s go.
Choice Movie: Romance
“The Lucky One”
“Think Like A Man”
“This Means War”
“The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1″
I haven’t seen any of these and I’m not planning to…
Choice Movie Actor: Romance
Michael Ealy, “Think Like A Man”
Zac Efron, “The Lucky One”
Robert Pattinson, “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1″ Chris Pine, “This Means War”
Channing Tatum, “The Vow”
I’m going with Chris Pine because I thought he was hot in What’s Your Number?
Choice Movie Actress: Romance
Miley Cyrus, “LOL”
Meagan Good, “Think Like A Man”
Rachel McAdams, “The Vow”
Taylor Schilling, “The Lucky One”
Kristen Stewart, “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1″
KRISTEN STEWART! Lol, joking. I don’t care. Anyone that’s not Kristen Stewart is fine with me.
Choice Movie Voice
Zac Efron as Ted, “Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax”
Seth MacFarlane as Ted, “Ted” Jesse McCartney as Theodore, “Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked”
Chris Rock as Marty, “Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted”
Taylor Swift as Audrey, “Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax”
I fucking love those Chipmunk movies. A lot. I’m not kidding.
Choice Movie Chemistry Ryan Gosling and Steve Carell, “Crazy, Stupid, Love.”
Jennifer Lawrence and Amandla Stenberg, “The Hunger Games”
Will Smith and Josh Brolin, “Men In Black 3″
Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill, “21 Jump Street”
Mark Wahlberg and Ted (voice of Seth MacFarlane), “Ted”
I haven’t seen any of these so I picked those two because I like them both.
Choice Movie Liplock
Zac Efron and Taylor Schilling, “The Lucky One”
Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson, “The Hunger Games”
Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1″ Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling, “Crazy, Stupid, Love.”
Channing Tatum and Rachel McAdams, “The Vow”
Same reason as above.
Choice Movie Hissy Fit Steve Carell, “Crazy, Stupid, Love.”
Kevin Hart, “Think Like A Man”
Mark Ruffalo, “The Avengers”
Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill, “21 Jump Street”
Charlize Theron, “Snow White & The Huntsman”
Choice Movie Villain
Jemaine Clement, “Men In Black 3″
Tom Hiddleston, “The Avengers” Rhys Ifans, “The Amazing Spider-Man”
Alexander Ludwig, “The Hunger Games”
Charlize Theron, “Snow White & The Huntsman”
Is it weird that I’d vote for him because I thought he was fantastic in Notting Hill all those years ago?
Choice Movie Scene Stealer: Male Chace Crawford, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”
Chris Evans, “The Avengers”
Kevin Hart, “Think Like A Man”
Liam Hemsworth, “The Hunger Games”
Kellan Lutz, “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1″
‘Coz he’s a babe.
Choice Movie Scene Stealer: Female Elizabeth Banks, “The Hunger Games”
Ashley Greene, “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1″
Lea Michele, “New Year’s Eve”
Nikki Reed, “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1″
Nicole Scherzinger, “Men In Black 3″
This would be going better if I’d seen any of these films. Erg. I like Elizabeth Banks though. I would’ve voted for Nikki Reed because she’s my girl from thirteen, but I can’t bring myself to support a Twilight film.
Choice Movie Breakout
Sam Claflin, “Snow White & The Huntsman”
Julianne Hough, “Rock of Ages”
Joe Manganiello, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”
Noomi Rapace, “Prometheus” Rihanna, “Battleship”
Hahahaha. I haven’t seen it but I’d be willing to bet she’s rubbish in it.
Choice Summer Movie: Action
“The Amazing Spider-Man” “The Avengers”
“Men In Black 3″
“Snow White & The Huntsman”
Choice Summer Movie: Comedy/Music
“Katy Perry: Part of Me”
“Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most Wanted” “Rock of Ages”
“That’s My Boy”
Choice Summer Movie Star: Male
Robert Downey Jr., “The Avengers”
Andrew Garfield, “The Amazing Spider-Man” Chris Hemsworth, “Snow White & The Huntsman” and “The Avengers”
Adam Sandler, “That’s My Boy”
Will Smith, “Men In Black 3″
Choice Summer Movie Star: Female
Scarlett Johansson, “The Avengers”
Leighton Meester, “That’s My Boy”
Kristen Stewart, “Snow White & The Huntsman” Emma Stone, “The Amazing Spider-Man”
Charlize Theron, “Snow White & The Huntsman” and “Prometheus”
Choice Summer TV Show
“America’s Got Talent”
“The Secret Life of the American Teenager”
SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE
Where’s all the good shows?
Choice Summer TV Star: Female Troian Bellisario, “Pretty Little Liars”
Chelsea Kane, “Baby Daddy”
Crystal Reed, “Teen Wolf”
Ashley Rickards, “Awkward”
Shailene Woodley, “The Secret Life of the American Teenager”
Spencerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love her.
Choice Summer TV Star: Male
Ken Baumann, “The Secret Life of the American Teenager”
Jean-Luc Bilodeau, “Baby Daddy”
Michael Ealy, “Common Law”
Daren Kagasoff, “The Secret Life of the American Teenager”
Tyler Posey, “Teen Wolf”
I don’t even know who these basic bitches are.
Choice TV Villain
Joseph Morgan, “The Vampire Diaries”
Lana Parrilla, “Once Upon a Time”
Janel Parrish, “Pretty Little Liars” Krysten Ritter, “Don’t Trust the B— in Apt. 23″ Michelle Trachtenberg, “Gossip Girl”
I can’t choose. They’re both fierce bitches.
Choice TV Female Scene Stealer
Candice Accola, “The Vampire Dairies”
Dianna Agron, “Glee” Sarah Hyland, “Modern Family”
Francia Raisa, “The Secret Life of the American Teenager”
Casey Wilson, “Happy Endings”
Choice TV Male Scene Stealer Max Greenfield, “New Girl”
Gabriel Mann, “Revenge”
Michael Trevino, “The Vampire Diaries” James Van Der Beek, “Don’t Trust the B— in Apt. 23″
Damon Wayans Jr., “Happy Endings”
Schmidt and the guys are the reason I keep watching New Girl. Buuuut, JVDB playing himself and making DC references… ugh. Tough one.
Choice TV Breakout Show “Don’t Trust the B— in Apt. 23″
“The X Factor”
I actually like all these shows (except X Factor but that will change in a few weeks, you know. The Brit Factor). I love Smash but none of the characters are particularly great. Revenge is good but my God it can drag on sometimes. It had a great finale, though. New Girl I watch because the guys are really funny, but I really love DTTBIA23. Krysten Ritter is so good.
Choice TV Breakout Star: Female
Beth Behrs, “2 Broke Girls”
Sutton Foster, “Bunheads”
Katharine McPhee, “Smash” Hannah Simone, NEW GIRL
Dreama Walker, “Don’t Trust the B— in Apt. 23″
Choice TV Breakout Star: Male
Josh Bowman, “Revenge”
Josh Dallas, “Once Upon a Time” Jake Johnson, NEW GIRL
Beau Mirchoff, “Awkward”
Lamorne Morris, NEW GIRL
Mostly because I think Nick’s cute.
Choice Summer Song
“All Around the World,” Justin Bieber featuring Ludacris
“Call Me Maybe,” Carly Rae Jepsen
“Give Your Heart a Break,” Demi Lovato
“Glad You Came,” The Wanted “Scream,” Usher
“Die In Your Arms,” Justin Bieber
“Give Your Heart a Break,” Demi Lovato
“Home,” Phillip Phillips
“I Won’t Give Up,” Jason Mraz “What Makes You Beautiful,” One Direction
Boy bands are BACK, baby.
Choice Break-Up Song
“Climax,” Usher “Payphone,” Maroon 5 featuring Wiz Khalifa
“Somebody That I Used to Know,” Gotye featuring Kimbra
“Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You),” Kelly Clarkson
“Wide Awake,” Katy Perry
Choice Summer Music Star: Female
Carly Rae Jepsen
Katy Perry Rihanna
Choice Summer Music Star: Male
David Guetta Pitbull
Two girls, one night. English! Spanish!
Choice Summer Music Star: Group
Gym Class Heroes Maroon 5
Despite my newfound love for Adam Levine, I’ve been loving their new stuff and I want their new album to come out like right now.
Choice Music: Breakout Artist
Ellie Goulding Gotye
Carly Rae Jepsen
Eh, why not?
Choice Music: Breakout Group
Eli Young Band
Karmin One Direction
Choice Web Star
Cimorelli Elle and Blair Fowler
Sophia Grace and Rosie
If there was a way I could just vote for Elle that’d be great, but oh well. Elle’s a beauty guru on YouTube with her sister Blair, and I love her. The only thing that would make me happier would be if my girl Amarixe was nominated, because she’s my absolute favourite. I spend too much of my spare time watching beauty tutorials YouTube. If you’re into make up, watch them, they’re the best.
Choice Video Game
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3
Just Dance 3
Mass Effect 3
NBA 2K12 The Sims 3: Showtime – Katy Perry
If EA wasn’t so shit and could actually provide a patch that would fix my Sims, then I’d be playing the shit out of this right now instead of writing this blog.
Basically, this movie looks like another predictable schlock-comedy from Happy Madison productions:
The only redeeming thing about it, for me, would be that Leighton Meester is in it, and you can tell that they just saw an episode of Gossip Girl and went ‘she’ll do’, because her character in this is basically Blair.
Now,this type of comedy is always predictable, so I’m going to guess the plot of the film and if anyone actually goes to see this paint-by-numbers comedy, let me know how accurate I am:
Adam Sandler’s got money troubles because he’s basically a big, alcoholic manchild. If you’re Australian, think Corey Delaney as an adult:
He finds out his son is rich, and he’s getting married soon! He hatches a plan to go and form a relationship with his son so that he can get the $43 000 in back taxes in order to avoid jail.
He meets with Andy, Blair (I can’t be bothered looking up her name in the film) and Blair’s family, and it goes horribly. Andy and his fiancee are uptight, conservative types who are both shocked and appalled at everything about Adam Sandler.
The son points out that the reason he’s so uptight is because he grew up wanting to be nothing like his father. He just wants a normal life and not not shirk his responsibilities the way Sandler did.
He tells Sandler that he was the worst father ever, Sandler asks for another chance. He’s still in it for the money and doesn’t realise the emotional journey that he’s about to embark on.
Blair’s a wasp, she probably planned the bachelor party for Andy because she’s obviously a huge control freak.
Sandler convinces the bachelor party to become a real party, they end up at a strip club. Andy learns that loosening up every once in awhile can be fun. They start to form a real bond as father and son that goes beyond the physical reaction of spitting when they’re shocked by something. Gross out boy jokes are abundant in these scenes.
As Sandler and Andy become closer, Sandler realises what he’s been missing all these years by not being in his son’s life. The money becomes less important to him, but he definitely still needs it to avoid jail.
Blair’s getting all stressed out because Sandler’s sudden appearance is ruining all her wedding plans and she’s starting to show her evil side.
Sandler teaches Andy to stand up for himself when Blair gets all psycho, and there’s probably some subplot about her wanting to know more about the dad. She’s probably the one who’ll end up revealing that Sandler’s only there for Andy’s money, in the third act. Since it looks like she’s from money already, it’s doubtful that she’s a gold digger too, but that’s always an option.
Andy’ll be all like ‘OMG is that true, are you only here for my money?!’
Sandler’ll be all like ‘Well that’s why I came, but now I realise what I’ve been missing out on!!! Forgive me!’
Andy’ll be all like ‘No, gtfo.’
Sandler will leave and go to prison, but Andy’ll probably bail him out in time for the wedding. Either that or Blair will show that she’s an evil bitch and they’ll get in a fight that will break them up, and Andy will realise he’s better off with his dad in his life than he is with controlling Blair telling him what to do.
The movie will end with Sandler and Andy doing something stupid together as father and son, with or without Blair’s family (who, if they’re there, will have learned to accept Andy and his family, flaws and all, and to relax a little).
I know most of that is in the trailer already, but tell me if I’m right about the end of it. Or if you think it’s going to take a different turn, let me know how you think it’ll play out. Are you going to see it?
Before we get started, let me say that if you like Kristen Stewart, or feel anything at all for her, this probably isn’t the blog post for you. I’m about to say some nasty, exaggerated things about her, so if you’re a fan, now’s your chance to get out before I make your head explode with my undiluted hatred. Last chaaaaaaaance, and here we go.
I fucking hate Kristen Stewart. A lot. Like, you guys don’t even know. I see her stupid ‘awkward’ face and it causes a physical reaction in me that I assume is what hate-based adrenaline feels like. If we were put in a room together I’m fairly certain that adrenaline would allow me to kill her with the ease that Liam Neeson’s character in Taken had.
Now, this post was always inevitable, but I was initially going to wait until Breaking Dawn pt 2 was out in order to celebrate the end of Twilight, but then this new Vanity Fair interview came along, and I decided I couldn’t let this diva fit simmer for all those months.
If you’re wondering why I hate her, around 90% of it is based on the fact that I’ve never seen a nice photo of her. Seriously, if you have a photo where she doesn’t have that ungrateful, annoyed by life snarl all over her face, I’d like to see it. I have yet to see a smile that I believe to be real. This whole ‘oh, I’m so shy and awkward, isn’t it endearing?’ makes me want to punch her face in while vomiting, because it’s bullshit. This is what she has to say about it:
I have been criticized a lot for not looking perfect in every photograph. I get some serious shit about it. I’m not embarrassed about it. I’m proud of it.
If I took perfect pictures all the time, the people standing in the room with me, or on the carpet, would think, ‘What an actress! What a faker!’ That thought embarrasses me so much that I look like shit in half my photos, and I don’t give a fuck.
What the fuuuuuuuck. What person would think that? She’s a huge fucking egomaniac. If she took nice photos all the time, people wouldn’t think about her. If I saw nice photos of her, instead of the ones I do see where she looks like a snarly, angst-ridden gremlin, I wouldn’t think about her. She’d just be ‘that girl off Twilight’, as opposed to ‘fucking Kristen Stewart with her fucking snarly, arrogant face.’
Now, you probably think I’m being unreasonable. ‘Stephanie, no one takes nice photos all the time. You’re a Britney fan, you know that.’ And I know, but I’m not asking for her to look perfect in every single photo. I’m just asking that when she’s in public, you know, for work, or for her fans, that she try to wipe that ‘I’m disgusted by each and every one of you and far too good to be here can I go home and hit the pipe yet’ look off her face. That’s all. And you can tell the difference between someone who’s just taken a bad photo and someone who has nothing but contempt for everyone in front of them. Kristen Stewart is the latter.
On this photo:
You can Google my name and one of the first things that comes up is images of me sitting on my front porch smoking a pipe with my ex-boyfriend and my dog. It was [taken] the day the movie came out. I was no one. I was a kid. I had just turned 18.
In [the tabloids] the next day it was like I was a delinquent slimy idiot, whereas I’m kind of a weirdo, creative Valley Girl who smokes pot. Big deal. But that changed my daily life instantly. I didn’t go out in my underwear anymore.
Firstly, no, it’s not one of the first images that comes up, it’s like five pages deep. Secondly, I hate everything about the phrase ‘weirdo, creative Valley Girl.’ Fuck. Think highly of yourself much?
Moving on from that interview, have you guys ever noticed that if you look at all the Twilight covers together, it looks like a Faces of Meth compilation? That’s an exaggeration, but seriously:
Seriously. Look at the Breaking Dawn pt 1 poster. Look at her fucking face. What the fuck. In the age of digital cameras and expensive photoshoots, how is it even possible to look that fucking bad?
Anyway, my biggest fear right now is going to see the film adaptation of On the Road. I love the book, a lot. And I like Kirsten Dunst so much, but I can’t even with Kristen Stewart’s face if these photos are going to be any indication of what watching her for 2 hours is going to be like. Goddamn.
So last week, I wrote a status update about how I needed to get out of retail before Django Unchained gets released on Blu-Ray/DVD, because I can’t handle people’s mispronunciations. If you’ve never worked at a cinema, video store, or sold DVD’s to people, let me run you through a little experience called ‘that time Burlesque got released.’ You would not believe how many people don’t know how to pronounce that word.
Firstly, I generally assume that when people are purchasing new release DVD’s that they’ve already seen the film at the cinema. So I don’t actually understand how they missed the fact that they say the word ‘burlesque’ all the goddamn time throughout the film, and it’s mentioned in pretty much every song. Here are just some of the mispronunciations:
Bass (like the fish)-a-lisk
I don’t know what letters these people were looking at, but they sure as fuck weren’t the ones on the cover. You know what I like to do? Replace the word ‘burlesque’ with those mispronunciations in the songs on the soundtrack:
Get your hands up, show me how you burr-sah-leek!
Welcome to bass-a-lisk!
Anyway, basically what I’m saying is that while I’m glad that Tarantino put in the part in the trailer where he goes ‘Django. The J is silent,’ I’d still be willing to bet that when it gets released there’ll be a whole lot of ‘Hi, do youse have Duh-Jango/Dee-jango/Djungo/any other combination of letters anywhere nearby.’ That’s the end of my rant for the day. Tell your friends about this blog so I can make money off it and you can save my sanity.
About the trailer, though. I’m pretty excited about it, although I’m probably more excited about the Great Gatsby trailer, which surprises me. I was expecting it to be the other way round, but the heart wants what it wants, and it really wants to see that 20’s party scene that looks like the party scene from Romeo + Juliet.
That being said, I’m interested to see Leo be the villain, because I feel like that never happens.
What do you think? Are you excited about Django Unchained? Are you more excited for this or Gatsby? Both? Neither? Let me know!
Unless you’ve been stuck living in some kind of pop culturally oblivious corner of the world, you’re aware that Lindsay Lohan is going to make her big acting comeback later this year with the Elizabeth Taylor Lifetime biopic.
As of yesterday, photos of LiLo in costume have been popping up all over the place. The photo above is the first official photo of Lindsay and Grant Bowler (who’s playing Richard Burton, obviously) to be released, but there are also a bunch of photos of her on the set that I’ll post below.
What do you think? Does she look the part? How are we feeling about this project, is it going to be a success or are people just going to tune in because they want to see how much of a trainwreck it is? Do you think think this will earn Lindsay credibility? Has anyone ever gained credibility from doing Lifetime films? Shannen Doherty’s career says ‘not really,’ but I love Shannen, and I’d like to see Lindsay be successful and get her shit together, so I’m hoping for the best.
Before we start, go make yourself a coffee or a snack or something, because you know how these recap posts tend to go on. I’ll wait. Maybe take a quick toilet break, too. I’m just looking out for you, my lovely readers.
Okay, you’re all settled and comfy? Excellent. Let’s get started. Russell Brand hosted the 2012 MTV Movie Awards, and gave an opening speech that ripped into Hollywood with lines like:
And if after recent events you think it’s hypocritical of me to joke about [Justin Bieber] beating up a paparazzi, wait til you hear what I’ve got to say about short-lived celebrity marriages!
Kim took a lot of pressure off me with her world record quick marriage. Cheers, Kim.
I think of Kim Kardashian as the Stanley Kubrick of sex tapes; they’re always brilliant but she only does one a decade.
[On Kim making a new sex tape with Kanye] Don’t drink before the sex tape, Kanye! Learn the lessons of the VMAs; when you’re drunk you do have the propensity to pounce on unsuspecting girls, from the rear, with a bottle in your hand. Very good in an MTV show but could really ruin a sex tape.
Continuing my hypocritical attack of people for doing things that I’ve done much worse, Michael Fassbender, star of Shame… should be condemned for profiting from sex addiction. I did literally go to school with Michael Fassbender and I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t notice his huge, engorged talent, as I was too busy staring at his massive cock. I deliberately removed all erotic content from this monologue ‘coz he’s only there in the second row, look, and if I get him too aroused, I could lose an eye.
Do stay tuned for the new season of Teen Mom after the show, where pregnant women are laughed at. For money.
I know some of you are thinking this. The last time I did an MTV show I did end up marrying someone that was there. So tonight, I’m gonna keep my eyes peeled for my next wife.
Christian Bale choked back tears while remembering Heath Ledger, which you can watch over here. He, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Gary Oldham were there to promote The Dark Knight Rises, and they showed new footage of the film, which you can see over here. Sorry there’s not more I can embed for this post, I know it’s a bummer.
An audience member heckled Mila Kunis while she was presenting with Mark Wahlberg, and although you can’t hear what they said, you can see her get distracted and get her sass on a little before a displeased Mark Wahlberg says ‘And here I thought I was gonna have to slap Russell.’ Click here for the video.
And finally, here’s the list of all the winners of MTV Movie Awards for 2012:
BEST ONSCREEN DIRTBAG
Jennifer Aniston, Horrible Bosses
BEST BREAKTHROUGH PERFORMANCE
Shailene Woodley, The Descendants
BEST MALE PERFORMANCE
Josh Hutcherson, The Hunger Games
BEST FEMALE PERFORMANCE
Jennifer Lawrence, The Hunger Games
INSTANT CULT CLASSIC
LMFAO – “Party Rock Anthem,” 21 Jump Street
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, Breaking Dawn Pt. 1
MTV GENERATION AWARD
Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson vs. Alexander Ludwig, The Hunger Games
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Pt. 2- Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, Tom Felton
Harry Potter, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Pt. 2