‘It’s been awhile, I know I shouldn’ta kept you waiting… but I’m here now.’
Forgive me, loved ones. I meant to have this post up on Sunday like normal, but since last Friday I’ve traveled to Sydney and then halfway across the world to sunny Los Angeles. It took me far longer than anticipated to get together a phone and, more importantly, a decent internet connection. My friends are laughing at me because I’m currently ignoring them because I’m reuniting with my version of crack cocaine; gossip blogs. And you know what? I don’t even give a tiny fuck because it feels sooooo good. Anyway, here’s the post that was supposed to go up on Sunday:
Why is that the first image of a post that’s going to be all about my favourite older bitches, you wonder? Well, here’s the deal. Fictional bitches are AAAAAAAALWAYS my favourite characters in basically everything, but none of them come close to my girl Lila Fowler. She’s the ultimate, so she gets to rule supreme over each and every one of these posts for the next six weeks. Because I said so (no Mandy Moore reference intended).
Oh, if you’re wondering where my last post on Famous kids went, here’s the deal. It was supposed to be my favourite kids from reality series’, but then I only had three, and they were only from two shows, and it just wasn’t going to work for me, so I scrapped it and added more fictional bitches to my list because it’s just more fun. If you’re interested, my favourite reality tv kids are Sophia and Bentley from Teen Mom (more Bentley, but Sophia’s pretty cute and her mother is fierce) and Chloe from Dance Moms, who I just think is the sweetest thing. That being said, I like all the rest of the girls from Dance Moms, but Chloe is absolutely my favourite.
Anyway, blah, long intro, let’s get to the good stuff.
05 Julie Cooper, The O.C. (played by Melinda Clarke).
Julie Cooper (Cooper-Nichol). The fiercest bitch in all of Orange County. She grew up in a trailer park, ditched her family and gold-dug her way to Newport Beach, only to ditch her husband when he lost the family’s money. ‘Eighteen years, eighteen years, she got one of yo’ kids, got you for 18 years!’
Bitchiest moment: Fucking her daughter’s ex.
There’s really not much to add to that, it takes a special kind of bitch to try to have your suicidal daughter committed against her will and then fuck her ex. She’s evil and I love it.
04 Ellie Torres, Cougar Town (played by Christa Miller).
First up, let me say that I think Cougar Town is underrated. It’s not nearly as horrible as I was expecting it to be given the god-awful title, and Ellie is a big part of that. She’s basically a huge bitch to anyone that’s not Jules (Courteney Cox’s character), and even then she’s pretty mean. Oh, and she’s got a toddler who we the audience never have to see because she’s never with him and it’s great.
Basically any part of this clip will work.
03 Patsy Stone, Absolutely Fabulous (played by Joanna Lumley).
Patsy may be one of the greatest characters to ever grace a television screen. She spends her life drinking and banging dudes and being a cunt to everyone around her, and they all just deal with it. She has a job, but she never works. Basically what I’m saying is that she’s living the dream.
02 Karen Walker, Will & Grace (played by Megan Mullally).
The modern-day equivalent to any/all of the characters from Valley of the Dolls, Karen Walker is ‘a spoiled, shrill, gold-digging socialite who would sooner chew off her own foot than do an honest day’s work,’ as described by Grace. She’s a pill-popping drunk with no morals, and is basically the New York sitcom version of Julie Cooper.
I can’t even pick one but basically it’s every time she speaks to Grace… and/or most other people:
01 Lucille Bluth, Arrested Development (played by Jessica Walter).
Words can’t even begin to explain my love for Lucille Bluth. She’s filthy rich (even if it’s stolen money), always drunk and is awful to everyone around her. She’s never made eye contact with a waiter. I want her life, and you know you do, too.
Who’s your favourite fierce fictional older bitch?
… Except we all know that most of us just sit in front of our computers to watch TV these days, don’t we?
Anyway, I love television. I always have a series that I’m working my way through (currently I’m re-watching The O.C, and I finished the first season of American Horror Story yesterday, also.) and I’m always looking for new shows to get attached to. Hence, this time of year is exciting for me, because it’s when all the networks start announcing their new shows and new line-ups for the Fall (Autumn, which of course is actually Spring if you’re on my side of the globe) season, and I get to start working out which new shows I’m going to be getting into. Now, if you haven’t already heard, you can check out which of your faves got renewed and which got cancelled by clicking this link here (RIP, Ringer, you weren’t great but I loved you.). Right now, though, I’m going to run through all the new shows I’ve read about so far, and I’ll keep you posted in the coming weeks when more news is released on them. Let’s get started.
666 Park Avenue.
Starring Terry O’Quinn, Vanessa Williams, Dave Annable, Mercedes Masohn, Robert Buckley, and Rachael Taylor. It sounds like ABC’s answer to American Horror Story’s success. Based on the books by Gabriella Pierce, 666 Park Avenue focuses on a haunted NYC apartment building, owned by O’Quinn and Williams. Those two in the picture, Dave Annable and Rachael Taylor, become the managers and shit starts to go down.
Bill Pullman, Jenna Elfman, Josh Gad, Amara Miller, Andre Holland and Martha MacIsaac star in this family sitcom where they’ve put a wacky kid who’s going to fuck up the lives of his family, and, wait for it, they live in the White House! Here’s a clip from the show:
Justin Kirk plays a vet who love animals but hates their owners. Tyler Labine and Bobby Lee are also in this ‘It’s like House but with Pets’ single-cam office comedy. I love Justin Kirk, but I think I’ll stick to Weeds.
Stephen Amell, Katie Cassidy, Susanna Thompson, Willa Holland, Paul Blackthorne, Colin Donnell. A modern retelling of the story of DC Comics character Green Arrow, Stephen (from Hung) in the lead role, with Katie Cassidy (from Gossip Girl/Monte Carlo) playing love interest Laurel Lance. I hope Evanescence is on the soundtrack.
Beauty and the Beast.
Kristen Kreuk, or as I refer to her in my head ‘Fiiiiiiooooooooooooonaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!’ from Eurotrip (and Smallville) and Jay Ryan, with Austin Basis star in this loose adaptation of the 1980′s series that starred Linda Hamilton:
Ben & Kate.
Dakota Johnson plays an uptight single mother whose aimless brother, played by Oscar Winner Nat Faxon (he co-wrote the screenplay for The Descendants/used to be Kevin the P.A. on Grosse Pointe) moves in to help her raise her kid. I’ll probably give this one a shot because the trailer’s decent and I like Nat Faxon.
The Carrie Diaries.
The Sex and the City prequel starring AnnaSophia Robb. I feel like I’ve already said everything I need to say about this one here, and here. I’ll be watching, even if it’s a bit shit.
If you can’t tell exactly what this show will be like from the picture above then there’s something very, very wrong with you. It’s Law & Order, but with fire. Taylor Kinney, Jesse Spencer, Eamonn Walker, Monica Raymund, Lauren German, David Eigenberg, Merle Dandridge, Teri Reeves, and Charlie Barnett star.
Matt Davis plays a journalist who is paired with a young production assistant (played by Jessica Lucas) working on a popular TV drama about an enigmatic cult leader to investigate the show’s rabid fans, who may be re-creating crimes from the program.
Do No Harm.
Steven Pasquale is a neurosurgeon who has a dangerous (which probably means batshit insane) alter ego who’s tryin’a ruin his life. The supporting cast includes Alana de la Garza, Phylicia Rashad and Mousa Kraish. Also, that’s basically the poster for Ringer but with dudes:
Also, just quickly, while we’re on the topic of Ringer, I totally couldn’t place where I knew Ioan Gruffudd (Andrew Martin) and couldn’t be assed looking it up, but finally figured it out a few weeks ago. He totally pulls my girl Rose out of the North Atlantic in Titanic:
‘Come abouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut!’ I’m sorry, you guys, eventually I’ll stop relating everything back to Titanic. Also, that’s probably a lie. Moving on…
It’s a modern day, New York City version of Sherlock Holmes (played by Jonny Lee Miller), and the ‘twist’ is that Watson is played by Lucy Liu (wit’ my girl Drew… not really, that’s just what I think when I hear her name now thanks to Destiny’s Child.). This would be interesting if I didn’t think that they’d already done exactly that with the now cancelled Law & Order: Criminal Intent. Cancelled because it sucked. I watched four seasons of it, and I like whatshisface off Full Metal Jacket, but it didn’t get better. But hey, you know they’re just trying to cash in on the success of the films, so why not?
The American remake of the UK’s White Van Man, this single-camera comedy follows Kyle Bornheimer’s character, a blue collar guy who puts his dreams on hold in order to take over the family handyman business from his dad, played by JK Simmons. Leah Remini plays Simmons’ younger sister, Jonny Pemberton plays her son.
That chick (Mamie Gummer) plays a new doctor who used to be a dork and is looking forward to creating a new life, when she realises that all life is just like high school. She wants to bang that dude (Justin Hartley), who she went to med school with.
Kevin Bacon’s career has taken some interesting turns; I saw his boner in Friday the 13th, I saw his dick in Wild Things, and I saw Hollow Man. Now he’s playing a retired FBI profiler who’s trying to hunt down a deranged serial killer who’s using the net to build a cult of murderers. It also stars James Purefoy as the serial killer, Shawn Ashmore, Valorie Curry, Adam Canto, Natalie Zea , Jeananne Goossen and Maggie Grace.
It’s got McLovin’ (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) in it, with Nicholas Braun playing his buddy. They play Evan and Rob, who move to LA to start “exciting new” jobs at Groupon.
I really liked Becki Newton on Ugly Betty, and Scott Foley gets a pass from me because sometimes I think about this scene in Scream 3 and laugh:
‘You think *this* wasn’t a message?!’
Anyway, the other guy is Jake Lacy, and together, the show is about three siblings who have to reconnect in order to inherit their dad’s fortune. This one actually looks like it could be genuinely funny:
Matthew Perry’s returning to TV (again, but who’s keeping track?). He plays a sportscaster who makes friends at his mandatory group therapy sessions. Good on him. It also stars Laura Benanti, Allison Miller, and Julie White. Oh, and John Cho is in the trailer, so hopefully he’s in the show frequently, because I find him funny. I’ll be watching because I’m a Friends junkie.
Guys With Kids.
Jesse Bradford got old, hey? And haha, look how excited Jamie-Lynn Sigler is to be back on television. Anyway, this show is about three 30-something guys struggling to raise their kids because they’re manchildren themselves. The rest of the cast is Anthony Anderson, Zach Cregger, and Tempestt Bledsoe.
Laugh tracks aren’t my favourite thing, but this looks… like it has potential, maybe.
This one probably won’t be out for awhile because they haven’t even cast Hannibal Lector yet, but Hugh Dancy is set to play FBI agent Will Graham and it be a contemporary take on the characters from Thomas Harris’ Red Dragon, and focus on the relationship between him and Hannibal.
How to Live With Your Parents (For the Rest of Your Life).
Multi-cam (read: it’ll probably have a laugh track) sitcom about a recent divorcee (Sarah Chalke) who moves back in with her wacky parents who know no boundaries. Brad Garrett and Elizabeth Perkins are apparently old enough to play the parents to Sarah Chalke, even though when I’m looking at those three photos she doesn’t look too much younger than them… When I look it up, they’re both 16 years older than her in real life. Maybe them being young parents will be a part of the plot…
My boy Thomas Andrews Victor Garber is in it, so I might check this out solely to keep the reasons I have to bring up Titanic in everyday conversation alive. Meaghan Good plays a detective who was the daughter of a maid to a wealthy family who goes back undercover to solve the mystery of who killed her childhood friend, the heiress of the wealthy family. This kind of looks like Dirty Sexy Money meets Ringer maybe, so I’ll also be checking it out for the soapy-drama thing that I’m hoping it has going on.
A thriller set in the near future, when the US is very fractured, and revolving around the crew of a U.S. nuclear submarine who become hunted fugitives after ignoring an order to fire nuclear missiles. Andre Braugher plays the commander of the AWOL sub, Scott Speedman his second-in-command. It also stars Dichen Lachman (the Aussie off Dollhouse/Neighbours), Autumn Reeser (from The OC, Daisy Betts, Camille de Pazzis, Jessy Schram, Bruce Davison and Max Adler.
Made in Jersey.
Janet Montgomery plays a working-class woman who uses her street smarts to compete with her more polished colleagues at a Manhattan law firm. I like Kyle MacLaughlan so I’ll probably check it out, and it’s also got Erin Cummings, Felix Solis and Toni Trucks in it.
So this one kind of sounds like the basic plot of the already-cancelled Good Christian Bitches (GCB), but without the bitches. Reba McEntire plays a recent divorcee who moves her kids and mom (played by Lily Tomlin) from Nashville to Malibu, where she tries to reignite her singing career while keeping herself and her family kids from being corrupted by their materialistic new environs.
The Mindy Project.
Let me just run through some things real quick, yeah?
1) I love Mindy Kaling.
2) I love The Office.
3) I love Kelly Kapoor.
4) I love that she writes for The Office.
5) I just ordered her book, and I’m expecting to love it, because
Basically, I’m absolutely going to watch this, even if it just a ‘Bridget Jones is a OB/GYN’ plot.
The Mob Doctor.
Not much to say, really. She’s a doctor… to the MOB! The trailer’s got that guy who played the cop that Phoebe dated for a few episodes in Friends until they moved in together and he shot a bird in front of her, but he’s not in that picture up there, so my guess would be that he dies pretty early on in the show.
Connie Britton is a country star at her peak (in Nashville, did you guess?!) while Hayden Panettiere is a rising star. Apparently it’s a family soap set amongst the Nashville music scene. Sounds like Taylor Swift just found herself a new favourite show, but I think I’ll give this one a miss. It also stars Eric Close, Powers Boothe, Robert Wisdom, Jonathan Jackson, Sam Palladio and Clare Bowen.
Not to be confused with Neighbours, the long-running Australian soap. Jami Gertz’s character and her family move to a fancy New Jersey suburb (is that an oxymoron? My only encounters of Jersey are Jay and Silent Bob films and Jersey Shore.), oh and then it turns out that their neighbours are aliens. Okay. Simon Templeman, Lenny Venito, Toks Olagundoye and Tim Jo also star.
The New Normal.
That’s fucking NeNe from Real Housewives of Atlanta. Even if this is the absolute worst show of all time, I’ll be watching it. Also, Ellen Barkin’s in it and she’s always fantastic. Oh, it’s about that preggers chick in the middle there being a surrogate for the gay couple, if that was unclear in the picture. It also stars Andrew Rannells, Georgia King, and Justin Bartha.
They have a radio show, he (Dane Cook) is an alpha male, and she’s the plucky new feminist co-host. Jeffrey Tambor’s in it, that’s pretty great.
Well, good on Sophia Bush for finding work to jump right into after One Tree Hill ends. Partners is about architects Charlie and Louis’ (David Krumholtz and Michael Urie) friendship, who have one of those ‘marriage’ friendships. When Charlie decides to propose to his girlfriend (Sophia Bush), Louis’ neurotic attempts to be supportive nearly result in the breakup of his own relationship. Brandon Routh plays Louis’ boyfriend, and Elizabeth Regen and Lucy Davis also star.
Radha Mitchell plays the red widow in the American adaptation of the Dutch series. She’s the widow of an assassinated criminal, forced to adopt her husband’s role in a crime syndicate in order to protect her family. Lee Tergesen plays a foot soldier for a drug kingpin.
All forms of energy have ceased to exist for no real reason, apparently, and Revolution follows characters played by David Lyon, Billy Burke, Giancarlo Esposito, Tim Guinee, Tracy Spiradakos, Zak Orth, Andrea Roth and JD Pardo as they try to survive and/or find their loved ones.
Anyway, the show’s also got that hot slut from American Horror Story (Alexandra Breckenridge), Michael Landes, Heather Burns, Lamon Rucher and Madison Davenport. I will absolutely be watching this, and I’ll probably also be purchasing Anne Heche’s auto-biography.
Because there’s already a show called Las Vegas. What makes this any different, you ask? Well, it’s set in the 60′s, to begin with, and it’s based on the true story of Ralph Lamb – rodeo cowboy turned longtime Sheriff of Las Vegas. We’ll see how this one does; neither of the period dramas (Pan Am/The Playboy Club) survived last year, so hopefully this is going to be better.
A thriller about a magazine editor, played by Anthony Edwards, who becomes involved in one the most compelling conspiracies in human history when his wife is kidnapped. It also stars Michael Nyqvist, Scott Michael Foster (Cappy from Greek), Carmen Ejogo, and Jacinda Barrett.
And, finally, that’s all I have for you right now. I’m not sure what the cable stations (HBO, Showtime, FX) are bringing to the table just yet, but hopefully they’ve got some good shit. Also, while we’re chatting like this I should probably give some credit to TVLine.com for most, if not all, of the actual information in this post, as well as some of the pictures and synopses. So what’s the deal? Are you looking forward to anything in particular? There’s a lot of shows I’ll be checking out, but in general I feel like I was more excited for last year’s pilot season. Who knows, though? You know what TV needs is a new teen show, because there isn’t one that’s dominating right now.
Unless you live under a rock, you know about The Voice. The original airs on NBC in the US and has Adam Levine (who, as it turns out, I may be a teensy bit in love with.), Cee Lo Green, Blake Shelton and THE diva herself, Miss Christina Aguilera. FOX has decided to do the same thing, but as a dating show instead of a singing competition. Sound ridiculous? It is. Here’s the trailer:
Let’s just address the fact that ‘blind auditions’ for dating shows are nothing new. Here’s clip from Mallrats, just ‘coz:
Oh, and if you read my last post, yes, that’s ACTUALLY SHANNEN DOHERTY in Mallrats. It’s not Faye Dunaway.
Back to The Choice, though, the four celebrities haven’t been announced yet, they’re also going to do a special ‘bachelorette’ version with four female celebrities (Bet you anything Jennifer Love Hewitt is offered a spot.) and Cat Deely is set to host this atrocity. I can’t wait to see who they get to be their celebrities. I bet they’re like, no name ex-reality stars looking for a second shot at fame. It’s going to be so fucked-up shit. I can’t wait.
They’re giving Dwight his own spin-off series, about Dwight running his Bed & Breakfast at the beet farm.
Those are the money beets.
The way I see it, The Office is on its last legs already. Taking Dwight away will mean that Jim will just be looking at the camera with his ‘are you guys getting this,’ look for no reason. A show with Dwight just being Dwight in his element, with no one to bounce off of, sounds like a horrible idea, because Dwight’s insane ramblings and aggressive nature get tiresome when he’s only one part of the huge ensemble that is The Office.
Point is, this is a pretty shit idea. A shit idea that I will watch, but a shit idea nonetheless. It’s like they looked at Joey and went ‘well, yeah, but that won’t happen to us.’ But it will. And besides, Parks and Recreation is basically an Office spin-off already, do we really need another one?