Happy Sunday, my pop culture junkies! And, being that it’s Sunday, it means it’s time for another edition of PCP’s Favourite. We’re still looking at failed celebrity marriages, and this week we’re going to look at the awkward and ugly divorces. At the bottom of this post, you can check out the links to the past couple of weeks; the strangest, and the shortest failed celebrity marriages. Next week will be our final instalment of failed celebrity marriages, the most devastating divorces. But for now, let’s get to it!
05 Michael C Hall and Jennifer Carpenter.
‘Oh hey, I see you’ll be playing my brother, maybe we should hook up in real life.’
Okay, so I guess the weirdest part about these two is that they play siblings on Dexter, so there’s a certain ick factor in seeing them as a real life couple. That being said, their whole relationship is kind of awkward. They dated in secret for a year, announced that they’d eloped, and then less than two years later she filed for divorce. Even more awkward, they still work together, and who knows? They’re probably back together. Rumour has it they’re both fine with working closely together in the new season of Dexter, so we’ll see how this all plays out, I guess.
04 Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush.
Poor Sophia. What was she thinking? CMM is not marriage material! You have your way with him and then set him free for the rest of the ladies to enjoy.
These two were the perfect teen drama couple, like Joshua Jackson and Katie Holmes, or Adam Brody and Rachel Bilson before them. All the teen stars have fucked each other, is what I’m saying, but these two actually made it to the alter, which is what separates them from the rest.
So! Chad and Sophia dated for two years before tying the knot, but their marriage only lasted five months. What makes this so awkward that this failed marriage is here and not over in the shortest marriages list? Well, let me paint a picture of how Sophia’s life went:
She meets Chad Michael Murray and thinks ‘wow, what a babe.’ Understandable.
They date for two years, get engaged, tie the knot.
Chad runs off to Australia to film House of Wax.
Chad fucks Paris Hilton.
Sophia is humiliated, as this is a mere five months into their marriage. She files for an annulment, and is denied, but is granted a divorce.
Chad and Sophia still have to work together, and she releases the following statement:
I can’t say there are no hard feelings… I feel hurt, humiliated and broken-hearted.
She vows to continue playing Brooke on One Tree Hill, even if it means her character reunites romantically with CMM’s character:
My job is my job, and my personal life is my personal life, and I keep them separate. It’s not always easy, but it’s my work–it’s what I love and take pride in, and I won’t let that slack because of personal circumstances.
Chad starts fucking a 17 year old cheerleader-extra on One Tree Hill.
See what I’m saying? That shit is horrifying. Imagine seeing your ex-husband flirt with a 17 year old in front of you after he humiliates you by fucking Paris Hilton. Gross.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Paris, she’s my girl (and CMM? Who can blame her?), but everything about this situation is disgusting.
03 Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey.
Remember the time when these two were huge stars because they were married to each other, but all their music still sucked a whole lot? Yeah, me too. Basic bitches.
Basically Jess and Nick make the list because the DVDs of their marriage far outlasted their time as a couple. Also because if you’ve ever actually seen an episode of Newlyweds, you can see that Nick basically hates Jess and all the dumb shit that comes out of her mouth, which means that he either married her for his career (which, let’s call it, is dead) or to pop her well-publicised cherry. Or both.
Also awkward is that what I’m guessing is her most popular song (I actually can’t even be bothered looking that shit up right now) is about how her husband loves all the dumb shit she does, which, again, if you’ve ever seen an episode of Newlyweds, you’ll know is absolutely not the case:
He. Hates. Her.
02 Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.
Ahhhhahahahaha. I’d totally forgotten about Ashton’s wedding fedora. Nothing says ‘forever’ like a hat that’s only in style for twenty minutes every few decades. Also I have no idea what’s going on around Demi’s neck. Also that wedding cake looks like the fictional character Kitty Foreman from That 70’s Show made it for the occasion.
Moving on, Ashton and Demi are mostly on this list because of Demi’s uber breakdown earlier this year. Nothing says ‘I’m in the middle of an ugly divorce from a big man child’ like partying too hard with your daughter and then overdosing on something called ‘whip-its.’ Let’s face it, the last time it would’ve been acceptable for Demi to party like that would’ve been around the time that Devo’s hit Whip It was in the charts. FYI, that was in 1980, and Demi was 18 at the time, so it’s actually kind of a perfect reference and you should all be impressed with the world for aligning like that. That’s all I have to say about this failed marriage.
01 Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills.
Um, you guys, can we just talk about age appropriate clothing for a second? Because that monstrosity is sure as fuck not it.
Basically, I’m a huge Beatles fan, so these two make the list because I think Heather Mills is a mad, money-hungry famewhore.
Apparently Heather thought that life as a Beatle’s wife would be an endless string of excitement and parties, and was disappointed to discover that Paul’s basically just a regular old guy who likes to pop down to the pub for a quiet drink.
Once she decided to divorce him, shit got real ugly. Mostly, it became crystal clear that she was on the hunt for his money; she asked for £125 million. McCartney offered £15.8 million. Lolz. And then there were all the documents that leaked where she claimed that he was always drunk or smoking pot, and that he stabbed her with a broken wine glass, pushed a table on her, and pushed her into a bathtub when she was pregnant. Which would have been shocking, if it hadn’t been for the book she’d already released where she talked about how wonderful being married to Paul was:
[He brings] me breakfast in bed every morning, no matter how he feels, and I do the dinner, so we’ve got that agreement. It’s thoughtfulness.
Kind of a far cry from ‘and then after dinner he smashes wine glasses and tries to stab me with them.’
The judge who presided over their divorce described her as inconsistent, inaccurate, and a less then impressive witness. She ended up with £24 million in the divorce in money and land, as well as child support, saying
I will never get over it. I will always love Paul. He is the father of my child, but I just have to move on and deal with it and there is nothing I can do … I have never spoken badly about my husband. I never will, he is the father of my child.
That was right before she threatened to release tapes of Paul in therapy talking about the late Linda McCartney, which allegedly paint him as a drug and alcohol abuser. Heather’s like a goddamn horror movie killer, you think she’s done, but then she comes back.
This time, the bullet to the head to kill the killer was a high court injunction that prevented Heather from talking about Paul’s family life anymore.
There’ll be no more nagging, no more chaos, no more Heather … bliss. I have peace at last.
And then he released an album called Kisses on the Bottom, which has nothing to do with anything except that I think it’s a hilarious name for an album.
PCP’s Favourite – Failed celebrity marriages, part two.
PCP’s Favourite – Failed celebrity marriages, part one.
A post that begins with the trailer for Taken 2 and segues weirdly into a PCP Favourite films/series about sex trafficking.
PCP’s Favourite – Teen slashers.
PCP’s Favourite – Backstreet Boys songs.