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Christina Aguilera says her new album will be boring as hell.

Oh, Xtina. She just can’t win anymore, can she? Now, before I start, let’s just go over my basic disclaimer for Christina. As a person, she’s so full of herself that it makes my skin crawl. She’s one of those people you can tell thinks she’s a whole shit-ton smarter than she actually is, and it’s heaps awkward for the rest of us watching like ‘Um, no.’ That being said, she has an incredible, undeniable voice. I’m a huge fan of her Back to Basics album, it’s one of my favourite albums. Yes, more than Stripped. Deal with that shit, and let’s move on.


Bionic is basically the worst thing ever. Its like she looked at all the success she’d had with her last two albums and went ‘fuck that, let’s do the opposite.’ This was the album she was working on for four years, apparently, and was “inspired” by a lot of electronica, and cited the Prodigy, even though it was basically an album full of ‘The Fame’ rejected tracks… even if she wrote them herself. Creepier still, she’s like ‘Oh, my son inspires me, he makes me want to write fun music, he loves it,’ when all that makes me think is ‘holy shit there’s a whole song devoted to how much you love having guys eat your “woo hoo”, please tell me you’re not playing this to your son.’ And her kid is on the album, ugh, I’m cringing just thinking about it. But if you need a sample of just how fucking horrendous this album is, look no further than Vanity:

I dare you to make it the whole way through this atrocity, because her kid’s at the end of it.

So anywaaaaay, Xtina’s had a bunch of setbacks that we’re all aware of if we’ve seen like, anything to do with pop culture in the past year or so. Fucking up the anthem, almost falling off the Grammy stage, weight gain, divorce, getting arrested, and being sentenced to reality TV.

But for 2012, she’s planning a big ass (no pun intended) return to the pop scene, with her lead single being called Fuck Your Body (or Love Your Body, for radio), which is allegedly ‘raunchy.’ Cool. Sounds like the last lead single, because that went so well. Whatever.

Point is, she described the new album as ‘honest and raw’ and said:

I’ve learned so much, have experienced so much, in leaps and bounds. It’s a journey of growth for me, continuously throughout my career. I’m excited to put it all down on paper through my lyrics and my voice.

Read between the lines, and this is basically the translation:

All these setbacks are bumming me out, so I’ma just go right back to what I did the last time I was considered relevant in the pop world, and release a ton of ballads about loving yourself and all the shit I’ve been through these past few years, and people will have to feel sorry for me, and buy my new album. I’ll pretend to be humble for awhile and then I’ll try to release something fierce if they’re buying my act. Oh, and I’m gonna pray that Gaga, Britney and Beyonce all hang back this year and let me have my moment.


Whether it’s fantastic or truly awful, at least we know it won’t be boring. But chances are, the songs will be.




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