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Um, Rihanna, Chris Brown already ‘gave it to you in the worst way,’ remember?

Ughhh. I should be careful what I wish for. Just in my last post, I was all ‘none of mah faves are doin’ anything worth writing about! Fucking Kardashians, why are they the only ones who are being interesting?!’ This is not what I was expecting.

Truth be told, I’ve been reading all this ‘RIHANNA’S GETTING BACK WITH CHRIS BROWN OMG OMG OMFG’ rumours for weeks and ignoring them because I straight up don’t want them to be true. Get comfy, because we have a LOT of ground to cover here. Like, a lot.

So let’s just go back to the Grammy’s last week so we can all remind ourselves of why Chris Brown is still the same angry little fuck he’s always been, yeah? Actually, even better, let’s first all remind ourselves of all that time he spent being all ‘Hey guys, I’m heaps sorry, I’ve changed, I ain’t that person no more, I don’t even know how this all happened!’ I’m totally paraphrasing, but you can watch the fakest apology in the history of the world below:

This went on for awhile and he pretty much lay low, until it was time for him to release a new album. He went on Good Morning America to promote it and basically  lost his shit when they asked him questions about Rihanna, when he knew that they were going to, and then threw a chair through a window. I can’t embed it, but if you need a refresher, check it out here.

Oh, and during the interview, he also says that the restraining order is ‘not a big deal to [him].’ Goooooood.

Meanwhile, Rihanna was busy releasing my favourite of all her albums, Rated R. See, the thing that I love about this album, aside from the fact that it’s filthy slut pop with a ‘fuck you I’ma do what I want’ attitude, is the fact that it’s her most personal album. And while she was promoting it, she went on 20/20 and finally talked about that night when Chris Brown beat the living shit out of her.

Now, in case you’re all ‘all of this is so old, surely Chris Brown has grown up by now,’ let’s keep in mind that this was only 3 years ago. It’s really not that long, and Chris Brown is constantly having diva fits all over Twitter because his ‘haters’ won’t forgive him. Every. Single. Time. he does, not once that I’ve heard about has he actually taken responsibility, like he’s incapable of comprehending the fact that the world has a truly valid reason to think that he’s a shitcunt. Seriously. Look at those fucking photos. You can see just by glancing at them that he basically tried to kill her that night, and would have. Just last week, when he won a Grammy, this was his tweet to the people who thought it was horrifying that just three years later, it appears that all is forgiven:


The reactions to Chris’ Grammy performance were mixed, to say the least. On the one hand, HelloGiggles wrote this amazing blog, that you should absolutely read right now. On the other hand, however, there are a bunch of dumb sluts who want Chris Brown to beat them up. Guess which side I’m on? Oh, and this is what the morons from the Grammys had to say about Chris Brown being back this year:

We’re glad to have him back. I think people deserve a second chance, you know. If you’ll note, he has not been on the Grammys for the past few years and it may have taken us a while to kind of get over the fact that we were the victim of what happened.

I’m sorry, WHAT’S THAT NOW? You know how sometimes you say stuff in conversations without thinking and then you realise how retarded it sounds and you feel embarrassed and all gross inside every time you think about it, but then you get over it because it’s not like you were publicly speaking and it’s not like it’s on any kind of record? Well, this is. This is the statement that the Grammys went with, about Chris Brown’s return. They were the victims. Don’t you hate it when one of your performers tries to beat another one to death and then you end up losing two of your performers? It’s such a pesky inconvenience. For the Grammys. Not Rihanna.

Ughhh. Give me a minute, I need to calm the fuck down before I keep writing. Don’t worry, we’re getting to the point soon enough. As a side note to that last quote, it’s not like they were at the Brit Awards where it’s kind of inevitable that threats and punches will be thrown. (Robbie Williams and Liam Gallagher, I’m looking at you. Naughty boys.)

Okay. I’m good. Where were we? Okay, so Jason Lipshutz, from, wrote an open letter to Rihanna, which can be read in full here. The highlights are below:

But the news about CB dropping by your “Birthday Cake” remix… damn. Three years and nine days later, it is officially implied that, no matter if you two are “single” or “in a relationship” or “it’s complicated,” a token of forgiveness has been earned by Brown.

And that’s not cool, to a whole lot of people. Look, you could do this one song with Brown and never work with him again, or go record “Watch The Pop Throne” with him. You two could become a couple again and get married in Vegas next week. Maybe you want none of those things, or all of those things; you certainly have the right to do any of those things. In your words, “there’s only one you, so just be that.” Do you, Rihanna!

But, in all honesty… you can’t do you, Rihanna. Not here. Not with Chris Brown. Because like it or not, millions of people are paying attention to you, trying to be as cool as you, attempting to find love in a hopeless place and wondering if it’s okay to walk down the same dark alleyway twice. Young girls look up to people like you to guide them through circumstances too complex for them to tackle on their own, and by granting Chris Brown an iota of tolerance, you implicitly encourage others to consider doing the same. “With great power comes great responsibility” is a schmaltzy sentiment, but it’s fitting here — like it or not, you have a different level of power than most of us schmoes because of your pop superstardom, and a different level of responsibility in your personal life than in your music because of the tabloid-infected culture we live in. It’s a burden that is not fair to you, or anyone in pop culture, but it’s one you have to accept.

Rihanna then tweeted the following:

Chiefin’ while ppl spend hrs on letters…*kanye shrug* #phuckit

And I’m pretty sure I read something about Chris Brown tweeting some other shit about these remix rumours, but honestly, this shit is getting so long that let’s just skip it, yeah? We don’t owe the dude any favours.

So! That brings us to today, when the remixes of Rihanna’s Birthday Cake ft Chris Brown, and Breezy’s Turn Up the Music ft Rihanna were released. This is the part of the blog post where I get kind of lost for words. Okay, so the Turn Up the Music is kind of whatever, her part could’ve been done by whoever and is basically unnecessary.

Click here to download Turn Up the Music ft Rihanna.

The reaction that I had to Rihanna’s Birthday Cake remix was very, very different though.

Let me start out by saying that the album version of Birthday Cake is one of the highlights of Talk That Talk for me, although if you’ve ever seen this blog before you probably could’ve guess that because I harp on and on about my love for filthy slut pop.

This remix, on the other hand, makes me feel a little sick.

I went into it jamming along as usual.

Cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake cake

And then Chris Brown’s part started with ‘Girl, I wanna fuck you right now,’ and I’m pretty sure I threw up in my mouth a little, and for once it wasn’t because of horrendous stomach problems.

He continues ‘Been a long time, I been missing yo’ body.’

Oh, is this the one, is this the one right here that you’ve been ‘missing’?

So then he goes ‘Ooh, it’s not even her birthday, but I wanna lick the icing off. Give it to her in the worst way.’ And by that time, the whole song was about something very, very different to the slut anthem I was excited about hearing the full version about before I knew it was going to feature Chris Brown.

And then Rihanna comes back in for the ‘I’ma make you my bitch,’ part, to which I’m now all ‘well, it’s probably going to be the other way round, though, isn’t it? He’s going to give it to you in the worst way, it’s going to be just like that other time he did. He’s probably the one who’s going to make you his bitch. Again.’

Then RiRi starts rapping, asking him ‘Remember how you did it?’ and I’m thinking about how he bit her ear and smashed her head into the window, over and over again. Anyway, it goes on and on for more than three times (no Breezy reference intended) the length of the original track, and by the end of it I’m pretty sure I felt a teensy bit traumatised.

I actually don’t even know what to say. I love Rihanna but personally, I think this is fucked.

Anyway, you can download Rihanna’s Birthday Cake remix here.

I can’t even with this.

5 Comments Post a comment
  1. I honestly don’t know how people can agree with them getting back together. I mean, you can like the remix, but the attitude they just had was wrong. It seems that all that happened before was just self-promotion, because Oprah and Diane Sawyer both commented on the assault.

    February 22, 2012

Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Brangelina bother me. Keep reading and I’ll tell you one of the reasons. « popcultureperversion
  2. Here’s some stuff on RiRi’s dad that will give you a mad Oprah ‘Aha!’ moment about Rihanna. « popcultureperversion
  3. Rihanna’s publicist forces her to try to justify her collaborations with the guy who tried to kill her that time. « popcultureperversion
  4. Brandy has a new song. It’s got Breezy on it. «

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