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Apparently Katy Perry is interesting enough to warrant a 3D film about her life. Who knew?


Is she? I had no idea.

Okay, before the Katycats get on me about hating her, stop it. I don’t hate her, I’m just not in love with this Teenage Dream re-release era. As soon as she starts releasing fun pop songs I’ll be back on the stanwagon, but for now, she’s just… meh.

This is the problem I have with this: does her life and career warrant a movie more than any other pop star? It’s doubtful, because more interesting things have happened to pretty much every other pop sensation. Britney? Breakdown. RiRi? Almost beaten to death by Breezy. Lady Gaga? Well, she’ll have you believe that any stereotype that’s ever happened to a misfit in high school happened to her, but more. You get what I’m saying, right?

The most interesting thing to happen in Katy’s private life is her divorce, and fuck, Britney’s already been there. Twice. As for her career, it’s essentially a scandal-free rise to the top. What’s interesting about that?

I mean, I can see why there’s a Justin Bieber movie. Am I a ‘Belieber’? Not even, but I can see why people want to watch a movie about his life, because he was a tween who became an overnight superstar from a few YouTube videos. That’s an unbelievable story. What’s Katy’s story again? Oh, she wanted to be a pop star, sang in church, worked really hard and made it? That’s everyone’s story. That’s Britney’s story, legitimately, except that Brit Brit was younger:


I just don’t get it. Here’s the trailer:


Even the trailer’s not that interesting. Ooh, she got signed and then dropped. What a climax.

The only reason I’d watch this is to see if she talks shit about Russell Brand, who let her keep the $20 million dollars (from the massive world tour that she embarked on the second she was done reciting her vows) as well as their house that he was entitled to because she wasn’t smart enough to think that she might need a pre-nup. Yes, I’m a massive Russell Brand fan, but seriously. If I was in his position, and I’d married someone, only to have them not spend any time with me through the first year of our marriage, and then we got divorced, I’d be like ‘fuck you, I’m taking everything you have. See you in court, motherfucker.’ It would take a ridiculous amount of strength to turn down twenty million dollars, and if she talks shit on him, I’m going to have issues with it.


So what do you have to say about that, then?

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