PCP’s Favourite – Teen slashers.
That photo is probably the fiercest shit I’ve ever seen, just saying. I definitely thought it was the coolest thing when I first saw it in Dolly magazine about a million years ago.
Okay, so this turned out to be a tricky list to compile. I wanted to do a list of my favourite horror films, but then there were too many and I didn’t want to sit here for the rest of the day. I promised myself I’d limit it to 10 this time. So I thought ‘what about just slashers?’ but then I realised that with all the sequels it’d still be a really long list, especially if I counted all the classics. So basically, this is how I worked it out. This is a list of my favourite teen horror films, and when I say ‘teen horror films’, I mostly mean slashers, and when I say ‘teen horror’ I mean, I was a teenager when I saw them. Hey, it’s my blog, right? I’ll make whatever rules I want. Oh, and because I didn’t want to have the list clogged up by sequels, each movie is just representing it’s entire franchise… unless I say otherwise.
Longest introduction ever, let’s get to it and you’ll see what I mean as we go along.
10 The Rage – Carrie 2.
You’re probably thinking ‘what the fuck, what a shit way to start the list’, but hear me out. This film has massive sentimental value for me. The original Carrie film was the first R rated film my parents let me watch (although my dad watched it with me and fast forwarded through the scene where the girl goes down on John Travolta) and I loved the shit out of it. This sequel was the first MA rated film I saw at the cinema. I was 14 and because you had to be 15 to get in, my dad had to come with me and my friend (and then not sit with us because I was a snotty little bitch who would not be mortified by her parents sitting with her in a dark room). I loved it, and after watching it again recently, I still really like it. I love how 90’s it is. 90’s goth girls and their freaky black nail polish and tattoos. Jason London and that guy off Home Improvement. The girl off Jawbreaker and Rachel Blanchard (or as I think of her, ‘TV Cher’). The line ‘I kleptoed it for you.’ The fact that Amy Irving is in it and looks like she’s barely aged since the first one. I love everything about it.
09 Wrong Turn.
This one makes the cut mostly because I love Eliza Dushku and Jeremy Sisto. Also anything that has a remote town/woods/inbred hicks, they’re all good for scares. It’s been ages since I last watched this so that’s pretty much all I have to say about it, but I have fond memories of it so it makes the list.
08 The Blair Witch Project.
I almost didn’t put this in the list because it’s not technically a slasher, and that’s the only reason it’s so low on my list. This movie scared the absolute shit out of me when I saw it. Aside from the fact that it spawned an entire new genre of found-footage horror films that’s still going strong today (Paranormal Activity I’m looking at you and your boring shit about people sleeping.), it’s also considered one of the most successful social media campaigns of all time. It’s also one of the most profitable films of all time. Basically, what I’m saying is that this film was a game changer for the horror industry and even thought it’s been spoofed to death since then, it was truly remarkable at the time.
None of the proper trailers were embeddable but you can click here to watch the full trailer.
07 The Final Destination series.
First things first, I like that despite all the horror surrounding them, the cast shows solidarity by all wearing the same shade of lipstick on the cover. That’s legitimately all I see when I look at the poster for this film.
The original film is cool and has some good scares in it, and looking at the cast now makes me feel all nostalgic, much like the cast of Carrie 2.
I haven’t seen the fifth one yet, but honestly, this is one of those series’ that just gets more ridiculous with every instalment. Not necessarily a bad thing, but after four films I’m a bit like ‘okay, cool. I get the point.’ But they’re fun if you want to watch mindless death scenes one after the other and not give a shit about any of the characters because you know they’re all just going to end up dead anyway.
Nonetheless, the death scenes in the FD series are nothing short of spectacular in terms of violence and blood splatter. My favourite is the opening car crash scene from the second film:
Seriously, it just keeps going, doesn’t it? Also, A.J Cook is my girl and I’m just going to take this moment to rep my love for Virgin Suicides and Criminal Minds.
06 House of Wax.
Hellooooooooo, Chad Michael Murray. You know what that is? Good script writing. A-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah take your shirt off, CMM. But really, though. I love the shit out of this movie, and no, not because I wanted to see Paris Hilton die, which is the reason most people give for watching this film. Rather, because I went into it thinking ‘how scary can a film with Paris Hilton in it be?’ and it turns out the answer is ‘really fucking scary.’ You might be laughing at me, but I don’t give a shit, this film traumatised me a little (even though I went back and saw it again at the cinema after the first time.).
The cast is sexy, which is important in a teen slasher. It’s got the remote town/woods/creepy motherfuckers who aren’t normal people thing going on, which is great. It’s not torture porn like all the shit that gets released now, but the violence in the film is (for me) terrifying:
Of course, if you just want to see Paris Hilton die, here you go:
05 Halloween H20.
Obviously I love the whole series; it’s iconic, and has one of those scores that when you hear the music, you know what’s up. Shit’s about to go down. But if this one was to represent the whole series I wouldn’t be sure where to place it on this list because the original is so good and the sequels… aren’t. Halloween H20 is an exception to the bad Halloween sequels, though. Oh, and Rob Zombie can fuck RIGHT off with his abomination of a remake. But we’re not here to talk about that.
Oh, I just love this movie. I love that Janet Leigh is in it, I love Joseph Gordon-Levitt, I love Michelle Williams, and if you like horror movies and don’t show respect to the SCREAM QUEEN herself, Miss Jamie Lee Curtis, you’re fucked.
Here’s the theme song, clearly the best horror theme of all time, and I’ll fight you if you disagree with me.
04 Urban Legend.
This is one of those films that shamelessly rode Scream’s self-aware teen slasher coattails, but I don’t even give a fuck because I love this film and it’s got some scary ass scenes in it. I’m not going to lie to you, I watched this when I was 13, maybe? Anyway, I’m 26 now and I still check the backseat before getting into a car. That’s how much this movie fucked me up. Urban Legends are terrifying. Oh! And college-set horror films? Love them. Oh, and this entry absolutely doesn’t represent the shitty straight to video franchise that followed it (although I do have a soft spot for the atrocity that is Urban Legend – Final Cut).
Speaking of things that are fucked up, can we just talk about this cast for a second? Because okay, this might be the most trainwrecky cast on the list. We have Tara Reid, enough said (although I kind of love her in this movie, she’s all sassy and fierce) but she’s just the tip of the fucking iceberg, because we also have Jared ‘I used to break into people’s homes and sit in their living rooms‘ Leto and Rebecca ‘remember that time I killed a kid‘ Gayheart. Seriously. That’s a whole lot of fucked shit for one cast. But regardless, I love this movie.
I love that Robert Englund (if you don’t know why he’s important then I’m not going to tell you.) is in it. I love that Danielle Harris (she’s Halloween alum) is in it, again, with the 90’s depiction of goth girls. I think that Jared Leto is a babe in it (although I wouldn’t now, because he’s a huge freak in real life.).
03 The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
I love this remake a whole lot. Don’t get me wrong, because I also love the original, but for this post, I’m just talking about this film, and not The Beginning or any of that other bullshit. This film rules. First up, let me just say that I haven’t seen this in forever, so my thoughts are based off the trailer and my memory.
In no particular order, this is why this is number 3 on my list:
I have a soft spot for Eric Balfour, or, as I like to think of him, Jesse from Buffy. Third Buffy reference of the day. Don’t hate.
I don’t really like Jessica Biel but she’s hella fierce in this movie.
The whole hick-town thing. Inbreds again and whatnot.
Everything about how thoroughly fucked that hitchhiker is, with particular reference to that gun. You know what I’m on about.
That little fucker from The Ring being just as creepy in this:
The hilariously gratuitous shots of Jessica Biel’s ass, and creepiest ass grab ever:
I got my ass grabbed by a customer in a wheelchair earlier this year and I’m not going to lie, that scene was the very first thing that came into my mind.
Now, I know this is Michael Bay, so the flashiness of this film is kind of built in, but I think it does a pretty good job of maintaining the creepy, grimy feel of the original, even if it’s not quite as unsettling. Maybe that’s just me, but I love it.
02 I Know What You Did Last Summer.
I’m pretty sure this was the first horror movie I watched. I was 12 and I fiiiiiiinally convinced my dad to let me watch it (strict parents, my mum hates horror films and doesn’t understand why anyone would want to watch them, but my dad liked horror films and was way easier to crack, so I’d make him take me to the video store and then talk him into it away from mum, and then she’d get pissed when I’d come home with horror movies. Again, I was a nasty, manipulative little thing.). Anyway, I looooooooved this movie. I loved the whole cast. I had a crush on Ryan, although when I found a bunch of posters from my tween years the evidence states that I had a big, LEEESSSSSSSSBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAANNNNN crush on SMG, although really that was more because of Buffy.
That’s a great gif.
Anyway. I was obsessed with this film, but after watching it like eight times, it hit me how profoundly fucked it is when SMG gets all her hair cut off. The first few times I was like ‘big whoop, it’s just hair.’ But something happened when I was watching it for the eighth time. I realised that it’s not so creepy that he cuts off her hair, but that he hides in her fucking closet all night.
That is some scary shit, and upon realising just how scary it was, and combining that with the fact that I had big ass cupboards in my bedroom at the time, well, let’s just say that maybe I should rename this post PCP’s Favourite – Traumatising film experiences, because I definitely checked my cupboards for murderers every night before bed for like three years afterwards. I’m not kidding. And no, I don’t know what my game plan was if I happened to find a murderer in the closet, but it didn’t stop me checking.
Aside from that, though this one’s got a lot of other great shit going on in it. The small fishing town is a great setting, Ryan’s such a douchebag in it, but goddamn, he looks fine:
It’s got this great song in it, which if you’re a huge nerd like I am, you’ll also remember from Daria as ‘that song that’s playing on the bus when Daria and Jane go to that shark museum in the paintball episode.’ Yeah. My memory for inane, useless trivia is something to be reckoned with:
Oh! And Anne Heche! OMG, you guys, can we talk about Anne Heche for a minute?! I know I’ve mentioned this before, but Anne Heche is batshit insane, and you absolutely must read her imdb biography. I will never give up an opportunity to link to it, it’s too good. But really, though, she’s pretty great in this.
And I can’t talk about this film without mentioning the best line in the film, which is obviously this one:
‘What are you waiting for, huh?! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!’
The most depressing thing about this film, for me, though, is that Johnny Galecki is more successful than all the main players in this movie now, because of Big Bang Theory:
I’m not okay with that, and you shouldn’t be either.
Touching on the sequel/s, this post represents the first and second film, but not the third. I want no part of that one, but I Still Know… is great. Brandy’s great, Jennifer Esposito is great. I learnt that Brasilia is the capital of Brazil, not Rio. Freddie Prinze Jr. can’t act but it’s okay. I’d forgotten that Jack Black was in it until I read this hilarious recap of the film. Oh! And it’s got JL Hewitt’s song How Do I Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeal in it, which I love a whole lot, especially when I pretend that her character Julie James is singing it to Ben Willis:
OMG, that velvet and fake fur coat. I can’t even. Actually, pretty much every aspect of this video makes me incredibly nostalgic. Hair, make up, clothes, setting. It’s all working for me, and I definitely have the single:
Ah, where do I even start? I seriously have so much love for this entire quadrilogy that I don’t really know how to put it into words.
You guys know about my love for Courteney and David, so I can just skip right over that. Here’s a list of everything else that I love about it:
Rose McGowan. Fiercest bitch alive. Love, love, love her.
Jamie Kennedy. Randy is the bomb.
Matthew Lillard. ‘My mom and dad are going to be so mad at me!’ and ‘Peer pressure, I’m far too sensitive.’ Stu probably has the two best lines in the film.
Oh, no. Wait. The best line in the film is obviously ‘Because I wanna know who I’m looking at.’ Fuck. That. I think I almost had a heart attack when I was watching it for the first time.
Other great lines, off the top of my head:
‘Corn syrup. Same thing they used for pig’s blood in Carrie.’
‘We all go a little mad sometimes. Anthony Perkins, ‘Psycho”
‘You hang up on me again and I’ll gut you like a fish, you understand?’
‘As if. Oh, really, Alicia?’
I could go on, but you should really just watch the movie again.
Scream is one of those films that I love so much that I hope that I get Alzheimer’s when I’m old because I want to watch it for the first time again. I’m not even kidding, I think about that all the time. I’d also like someone to show me Titanic for the first time again. Obviouslyyyyyyy.
Oh! Tatum’s pyjamas. I wanted them so bad:
‘Bam! Sid! Super bitch!’
Every single film reference that’s in this film. Kevin Williamson, you’re my boy. Also Wes Craven. Oh! Wes Craven dressed as Freddy Krueger. Fantastic.
I really can’t speak highly enough of this franchise. I’m not exaggerating when I say that it was a huge, huge part of my teenage years and I give it most of the credit for the 90’s horror industry reboot.
Red Right Hand:
When people talk about Nick Cave, I tune out because I’m busy watching Scream in my head.
As for the other three films, let’s just run through best scene and best line, because otherwise we’ll be here all day.
The best scene has gotta Gale’s chase scene:
And the best line is probably Gale’s as well:
‘Look, local woman! I know you hold me up as your career template and that it gives you some sort of charge to challenge me, but give it a rest.’
I live for bitchy Gale.
The best scene for me is Randy’s video, because I’m pretty sure I was so excited to see him in the third one that I may have teared up a little. I know, emotional involvement with fictional characters like this can’t be healthy, but it’s whatever.
Okay, I’m cheating for best line, because I have two that I love.
The first is Jennifer’s explosion of ‘You’re obsessed with her, and you’re obsessed, WITH HER DAUGHTER!’ because Parker Posey slays me with anything she does. The second is the ‘threat’ exchange that’s in the trailer.
And, finally, Scream 4:
The best scene has gotta be Kirby’s phone call, especially because of the two major throwbacks to the original film, being the horror movie quiz and the ‘there’s always some stupid bullshit reason to kill your girlfriend’ or, in this case, your crush.
Best line? Obviously ‘I’m gonna slit your eyelids in half so that you can’t blink when I stab you in the face,’ because Holy. Fuck. Ghostface version 4.0 is a brutal motherfucker.
And that about wraps things up. One last question, though…